(Closed) Cold Feet to the Extreme

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I felt like that, I was engaged to the best-hearted man I’d ever met, but I still felt like that.  Pre-marital couseling was what flipped the “on” switch for me.  After we started going to that I felt better and better each time.  Todd couldn’t believe how I trasformed.  I guess it just helps to know that what you’re doing and feeling is normal for some of us.  I tend to be destructive sometimes, and I’m glad we got couseling before I could mess up what turned out to be the happiest day of my life.  At the reception I made a speech thanking Todd for never giving up on me, and I meant it.  There wasn’t a dry eye at the head-table because everyone there knew how I struggled to get to that point.  If your guy is still supporting you when you feel like this, instead of giving up, hang onto him and go to couseling together.

Post # 4
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

The longer you are with someone lust does fade… But love shouldn’t! If you are feeling uneasy – get out of the relationship. If you love him but aren’t excited to see him everyday – that is normal! I suggest you read the book “The Five Love Languages” such a good book… Me and Nathan are reading it now. At first I didn’t want to read it becuase I didn’t want to believe one day I wouldn’t feel the excitment I do now and always have… But it tells you how to keep it exciting. It is a great book – that is all I can say. Keep your chin up! 🙂

Post # 5
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I second the suggestion to do counseling. The fact that the both of you show up and are willing to consciously work on the relationship says a lot, and counseling can help work out some of your anxiety.

It is the hands down, best thing we ever did for our relationship.

Post # 6
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Remember that you are almost always seeing the best of other couples. Everyone’s got problems, they may not be evident. So try not to compare your relationship to other peoples. Think about your happiness and your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I just look back at my relationship with my Ex (we were never engaged) and it sounds so similar. He was a great guy and the relationship was great, but I just wasn’t ever excited to see him and I totally nit-picked everything he did. I realized that after I got over the initial lust, I didn’t really love him and he wasn’t ‘the one’. I’m not saying this is your issue, but obviously there’s something going on you should really explore further.

Post # 8
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I have. You may be scared of my story, though.

It was a few years ago. My then-boyfriend and I had been together for years, and things were great. Then, we started to become very busy with school and careers, and stopped communicating to one another, mostly because we were hardly home at the same time. Nitpick nitpick and nitpick on both ends! We didn’t make time to talk, so we began to basically live two separate lives under one roof. We didn’t express the little concerns, things that bothered us, etc. and the tiniest things would lead me to be so frustrated and outraged and angry (him too) such as – leaving a sock beside the laundry basket instead of inside it, pushing the mustard to the back of the fridge, coming home 5 minutes late, etc. We broke up for months. When we got back together, things were better, and we were able to communicate again, but we went through hell and back to get there because we kept pushing it aside so far, the little issues were lying in the heart of the giant aftermath, and we forgot what we were even fighting about. We got engaged, and married… but the side effects of the breakup have stayed with me. Being apart from him was absolute hell, likely because our breakup was filled with so much confusion and regret and guilt. To this day, I will break down when I think about it. I have actually been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.

I know my example is an extreme, and most people are not as hyper emotional as I am, however my point is – do not regret later what you can sort out now. I believe that sometimes, separation can be for the best, but sometimes it can backfire. I do believe that our breakup is what allowed us to eventually be the best versions of ourselves, however I also believe, we could have talked it through, and it wouldn’t have led to such extreme side effects (at least on my end)

As hard as it is, the best thing to do is step back from the situation you are nitpicking and ask yourself: is this truly a big deal? How would I feel if I were doing this, and he nitpicked me? This may help you be more objective regarding the things you become upset about. If it is certain habits that is driving you crazy, discuss them with him, don’t yell at him – discuss. If something really bothers you, you shouldn’t have to tiptoe around it and keep it inside – you should be able to talk about it, but don’t be ANGRY about it – this just causes him to be defensive, and nothing will get solved. Take a personal escape to calm your feelings down (like a long drive or a walk or an uninterrupted bath) It sounds like you are acknowledging that you are being “irrational” (over analyzing, etc) Counselling will likely be more helpful to you, because your counselor will come to know you one on one, and offer more personalized suggestions.

Just know that it’s normal, it’s solve-able, and don’t ever compare yourself to your friends or peers – they have probably gone through it too, and just don’t admit it. 

Post # 9
Member
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Well, one thing you should realize is a lot of brides get cold feet and it’s normal. Marriage and coupledom is not going to be cloud 9 happy happy all the time–it’s just not. Instead of comparing yourself to “other couples”–who I’m guessing are all younger couples–why not ask your parents or some people who’ve been together for 20+ years and have them tell you the cold hard truth. Most couples I know will say, “Yes, I love my spouse, but no, it’s not all sunshine and roses.” So make sure that you’re not comparing your relationship unfairly.

But no one here is going to be able to tell you exactly what to do. It’s your heart, your feelings, and your relationship. So YOU are the only one who can decide what to do.

Post # 10
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think your on the right track here. And no your not alone & your not going crazy. You are getting married. It is totally normal for you to be having doubts and considering what could go wrong and what might actually go wrong. I think the problem with a lot of young couples (or any couple at that) is that they have this fairytale vision of Love and Life. They think everything will be perfect forever. They think the way that their relationship is during the first year is how it will be forever. They forget that every relationship looses that spark sometimes and that every relationship changes. We all fall into a routine and get caught up in things that don’t matter. The real thing that matters is how you handle those situations as a couple. I think you need to try and focus on more positive things. You need to try and remember why you’re with this person to begin with (You Said: “Truth is, he’s a kind, caring, smart, hard working but also laid back guy, who would make a great husband and father”) this sounds pretty good to me. It’s good that you can remember his positives even while focusing on the negatives. In a relationship you have to decide weather those negatives can be dealt with and looked past or if they are too much to bear everyday. Every person is different and every relationship is different. you can not compare yourself to other people. Because you are not seeing their whole picture. You never know what happens behind closed doors. You have to decide in your heart weather this is the person for you or not. Weather you can deal with his annoyances or not. Once you decide you have to stand by it and stick to it. Nothing worth having comes easy. You have to work at it. But I think it’s worth it. My grandparents have always told me the key to marriage is to “Take everything with a Grain of Salt.” in other words “don’t sweat the small stuff.”

Post # 12
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You described my situation even better than I did in my own post. I know my FH is a great person, and that he’ll be a great husband/father, and that I love him, but I can’t stop nitpicking on every little annoying habit of his! I really sincerely wish I could; he notices when things bug me and we’re discussed it before. He has basically said he’s trying to stop them, but that he notices my being annoyed and it makes him so angry. I want to stop feeling reactions to his little annoying things, but I haven’t been able to! Especially when I know they’ll be forever.

Luckily, we’re probably just focusing on all this now because of the gravity of the committment that’s coming up. It’s probably our mind’s way over overanalyzing the situation. That being said, I wish it’d stop! I know the last post was 3 months ago, I was wondering if the counseling helped you with the situation? Did you both start going?

Post # 13
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh you took the words right out of my mouth. I started crying reading your post. Can I reccommend a book that I bought and calmed me the heck down! Emotionally Engaged, it’s like $5 on Amazon. It’s amazing.. it calmed me down and helped me realize alot of girls feel this way before their wedding day and how to work through it. I have been debating going to counseling for a while. I’m just the kind of person that doesn’t like to ask for help. Maybe I’ll look into it. Good luck with everything. I too will be marrying a wonderful man who has sat there and listened to me nit pick every part of him to death and has stuck by me. I hope you can find some assurance.

Post # 15
Member
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@SnugglesKD: Don’t self sabotage!!!! I’ve done it before in relationships. I liked to call it my “grass is always greener” complex. Like so and so have this in common and we don’t, so and so are doing this or that, so and so look SO happy in all their pictures, etc, etc.

Sometimes you have to take a step back, calm your mind and look at the big picture. Odds are very good that if you’ve been together for 5 years you must have something in common, and even though the Jones’ are taking their annual beach trip and you guys are at home it doesn’t matter. It’s not about the quality of the place, but of the company you keep. And I had to tell myself this one: OF COURSE so and so look happy in their pics… They. Are. Pictures.  No relationship is perfect, and every relationship is different. You can’t make comparisons.

I believe 110 percent that communication and trust play MONUMENTAL roles in every relationship. Lust fades, the butterflies go away, but your love should grow! Have you talked to Fiance about feeling this way? Or are you distancing yourself from him because of your above stated feelings/reasons? The distance thing will only make you feel worse, and I urge you to either speak to him, go to couples counseling, or try to talk to a proffesional yourself before you make any rash decisions.

I wish the best of luck to you, and hope you find happiness in whatever path you take. Hugs to you.

 

ETA: didn’t see your last post until AFTER I wrote all this out. Sorry!

Post # 16
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2016

thx!

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