(Closed) cold feet.

posted 13 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I’ve felt nervous a few times throughout my engagement. I’ve heard its completely normal b/c its such a huge commitment.

Have you guys gone through premarital counseling? My fianace and I have started reading "Saving your marriage before it starts" and its really reassured me countless times. I’m guessing you’re just getting nervous since its so close to the wedding. 

Post # 4
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I went through these types of feelings right at the beginning of my engagement and it lasted for three months.  I also won’t be terribly surprised if these feeling bubble up again closer to my wedding date when it’s getting really down to the wire.  I think it’s very normal and even healthy to question your decision when you’re making such a major commitment, even though it is hard and painful to go through.  What you need to remember is that you are not only gaining a new husband which is a great thing that you should be happy about, you are also losing one aspect of your identity as a single woman and you may at first feel a loss of freedom, even though you are still a free person.  Just make sure to still do things on your own and with your girlfriends once you’re married and you’ll see that you still have your freedom.  But it’s okay to grieve a bit for the loss you are experiencing simultaneously with the happiness of getting married.

A book I picked up when I was going through these feelings that I found extraordinarily validating and helpful was The Conscious Bride.  You might want to pick it up and give it a read.  It can be a little bit preachy and overly analytical about the process of becoming a bride, but it shares a lot of other women’s experiences and made me feel normal again.  Once I realized my feelings were normal and okay, I was able to move past them instead of getting hung up on what they meant and thinking I should break up with my fiance.

Post # 6
39 posts
  • Wedding: November 2007

I know this is not going to be very popular, but have you considered you are not experienced enough to know that your fiancee is "definitely my other half, my missing piece, the man that I should be with?" If you have to assert that in speaking about how you are wondering if the grass is greener it really sounds to me that he isn’t definitely those things.  He might be, but you’re unsure. 

Now, that doesn’t mean don’t get married. But, I would really ask yourself if you are sure.  I am divorced and I got married on my 24th birthday the first time and I can tell you I wasn’t experienced enough to know what a good husband was.  I didn’t know that then.  I hoped I picked the right one, but it turns out I was wrong.  Now I am getting married the second time in less than two weeks and I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever.  It’s night and day. The difference is that I know myself and what I want out of life now at 32.  I did not know that at 23, 24, 25, etc.  About 27 or so, I started to get a better sense of what kind of life I wanted and what my values are.  I realized at age 29 that my then husband did not share that vision or those values and that neither of us could find happiness together because of that.  Not everone is the same.  That’s the age I feel like I matured enough to really know what I wanted in a mate and I absolutely agree everyone’s different, although I do worry about you youngsters in your early 20’s getting married, I just do 🙂

Back when I was your age (man, I sound old!) nobody could have said anything to me before the first wedding to convince me I was wrong–I needed to learn that myself. And I did and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but at the same time if I could get what I learned without marrying the wrong person and then subsequently divorcing that person, I certainly would!!  

I only share this to get you thinking. I don’t want the same thing to happen to someone else and at the same time I don’t want to piss on anyone’s parade. I believe strongly it’s always worth reflecting on whether getting married to this person is the right thing to do in a realistic way.  I don’t want other people to have to realize after the wedding that they’d rather be happy alone than miserable and frustrated with the person they married.  I do believe though, that if you’re having those grass is greener thoughts at this point that it would serve you well to really really think about whether you know what you want in life and what your values are and whether your fiancee knows what he wants in life and what his values are and of course whether those things match up. 

It’s always ok to delay a wedding ($$ now is nothing compared to the massive problems you could run into down the road if you marry the wrong person!) and it’s better than making a big mistake.  At the same time if you do go ahead I wish you a lifetime of happiness to you both!!

Post # 7
21 posts
  • Wedding: October 2007

I couldn’t agree more with maverika. I was lucky enough in my life to have the time to experience all sorts of situations…in love, work, home, etc, etc…before I finally met my husband 2 years ago. I was 31 at the time. And I had been through the ringer when it came to men, so finally finding this one person that I knew I could definitely be with and love unconditionally for the rest of my life was a fabulous feeling to experience!

But I cannot imagine being able to decide that marriage is the thing for me when I was only 22 or 23 or even when I was 26. So many things were changing…I didn’t have control yet. Not that I do now, but I have a better way of dealing with things when they get a bit wonky.

What you’re going through is normal in lots of ways, and you definitely shouldn’t ignore it. You’re still waiting yet to graduate from school, and Lord knows the things you will experience in the next 3 or 4 years as you attempt to work out your life and see where things are going to take you! In the 5 years after I graduated from college, I moved to the midwest from California, I started my administrative career, I somehow managed to earn 3 times the amount I’d set as a goal for myself for the year after I graduated from college and then I invested it poorly and lost it all within the next few years, I lost a boyfriend in a fire, my mother died of cancer, and I moved 6 times finally finding my way back to the midwest which is where I’ve lived for the last 8 years.

So much happens in that time…so many changes come into play. And its not that anyone should question your maturity level and whether you’re ready to handle it, but I can honestly say that those years for me were definitively maturing ones. Had someone else been along for the ride all that time? We would have BOTH been crazy after a short time!

Again, like maverika says, if you need to delay the wedding, it can be a considerably cheaper alternative (both emotionally and monetarily) than dealing with a marriage that maybe shouldn’t have been. But if you do go forward with things, best of luck to you…take care of yourself!

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