(Closed) College and marriage? Is it ok to not go away?

posted 9 years ago in College
Post # 46
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think only you can make this decision, because at 17 if someone were to tell me that at 25 I could be a completely different person I would not have believed them.

 

-> I was originally going to bore you with my story that was similar to yours (long term relationship, how mature I was at 17 etc. etc. but that’s my story, my bias and I won’t bore you with it Tongue Out.) Instead I will just say this:

 

OP – you can only make judgements based on the information you have NOW and the experiences you have NOW. If you make a mistake, or make the “wrong” decision, big deal! It’s all part of the wonderful experience of life Smile

As long as you take responsibility for your decisions and choices then you just go and do what you feel in your heart and HEAD what is right. I wish you all the best.

 

Post # 47
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

This is going to sound worse than I intend it too (I was a young bride too, but not nearly that young), but anywho you know how when your 13-14 and you think you’re “so old”, and then looking back you laugh and think “yeah…right!”.  Well, in all honesty, that’s exactly how you’ll feel when your 21 looking back to when you were 17.  Not to say you’ll think “what was I thinking?!” just that you’ll see the world differently, and probably be different yourself even if your not a whole new person. As much as I hate to reference movies because they tend to be incredibly unrealistic, think of The Vow – she clearly had no idea she’d end up being an artist instead of a Stepford wife.  I’m not saying don’t get married, that’s ultimately up to you, but I certainly would wait a few years (which you plan anyway) and experience college while not living with your mom or your fiance, and spending plenty of time with your friends.  Also, there’s no reason you both can’t go to college together while being engaged. He could probably use the experience too.  I know lots of high school swerthearts who are happily married, but none of them were married before some level of college or after high school life (meaning they didn’t go to college but still moved out and  pursued full time jobs).  No matter what anyone says, marriage is very different than dating.   

Post # 48
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

No one here can change your mind. We can only share our opinions and stories.

I grew up with friends who got married early, some married while juniors in high school. They visited me at college and the first thing I heard was, “Man, I wish I could do this.” It wasn’t because they didn’t love their husbands or SO. It was because they saw that I was doing it on my own. I didn’t depend on anyone and no one really depended on me (except for my awesome dorm beta fish). I got to travel, try new foods, stay out late, sleep in late, read awesome books, watch whatever tv I wanted… etc.

I’m one that truly loves my independence as much as I love my Fiance and past boyfriends. I was so blessed to have the opportunity to go to college away from home and to meet new people and try new things. I became a better me. I was great in high school- mature, responsible, smart, spirited. But college really shaped me in to a better version.

I really hope you decide to embrace the part of you that you do not already know. There is so much out there for you to find and explore both with your Fiance and by yourself. Give yourself the chance. And if you regret it, you can always transfer in a semester/quarter. 

Post # 49
Member
4601 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Just want to say at 17 I was with a guy who at the time I’d been with 5 years.  Things change. You’re young, and in no rush.  Enjoy college.

Post # 51
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@LovinChrist18:  At the two cakes thing:  If I had a strawberry cake and a chocolate cake on the table, and I liked chocolate cake more but the strawberry cake was only going to be around for a limited time and I would be able to eat the chocolate cake forever ever, I’d go with the strawberry!

And now I want cake :D. 

Post # 52
Member
7768 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@LovinChrist18:  Absolutely!  Go!  It sounds like you have support about your marriage and that your mum just wants the best for you.  Do not miss out on going to college!  IT IS SO WORTH IT!  My aunt got married and had (the first of) my awesome cousins at 19.  She has since divorced my uncle and remarried.  She and her new husband paid for all of their 6 (combined) kids to go to college because they never got to experience it.  I think, given the chance and choice and availability,  it is absolutely something worth doing.  DH did not have the chance and he is jealous that I did.

Post # 53
Member
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@LovinChrist18:   I had a roommate in college who said sometheing eerily similar – that life’s too short not to spend every night in the arms of the one you love. Anyway, her SO cheated on her and they broke up, but luckily she had her friends at college to be there for her. They were engaged, dating for 4 years, the whole 9. Just food for thought.

ETA – There is no way to say that you don’t like college if you have not gone. And all your future friends are strangers right now.

Post # 54
Hostess
11163 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I left a serious relationship behind when I went away to college. It was the best thing I ever did. College was the most amazing experience and I can honestly say I graduated a completely different, better, person. I had nothing tying me down and got to experience so much including constant travel and opportunities. I changed so that I realized all the flaws that were present in that old relationship and how much we were not meant to be.

I can only say that you have the rest of your life to be married and with this potential partner, however the opportunity for college is somewhat limited to younger years when you are free from most responsbilities. Go, try it out, and if you don’t change your mind well your SO will be there as you claim to marry you. As other PP have said it is really a win-win situation so to speak.

Post # 54
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Going away to school will be one of the most important, life changing, formative experiences of your life.

It isn’t something that anyone should give up, in my opinion, especially when you have the rest of your life to be married.

Post # 55
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

View original reply
@Dizbee:  Mmm cake. Thanks you’ve made me want some too!

And OP. I think you have already made up your mind. And I guess that’s ok. Though I don’t really understand why you asked if nothing we said would change your mind. But in case it does. I was in love with a guy at 17 and we knew we wanted to get married. I had a ring and everything. And then I went off to college. We dated long distance and it took me several years there but before I graduated I realized that I would have made the biggest mistake of my life if I married him. We had grown up and were just not right for each other. I would have never believed anyone if they told me that at 17, so I know you won’t believe it is a possibility either. But please just think about it. Going to college is a huge life changing experience where you learn how to take care of yourself and be your own person. Not the person everyone who already knows you expects you to be. It is a liberating feeling I hope everyone gets to experience.

Post # 56
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

“would rather be with him than away at a college where I would be alone”

You won’t be alone at college. College is basically  social festival of friends. You will have lots of friends – and they will be the friends you are close with for the rest of your life.

Post # 58
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

View original reply
@Dizbee:  I love this analogy, and now I want cake too! 😛

OP, I’m not sure what else to say to try to convince you that going away to college is the right choice for you. It seems like you want to go with what feels easiest, and what is in your comfort zone – staying with your Fiance and going to school near him. You see going away to college as unneccesary, and I’m getting the impression that you think it is not an experience you need. You said yourself that you think you are not going to learn much else about yourself.

It sounds like you have already made your decision. I get it; you are in love and are probably very mature and responsible, etc. etc. I guess all I can leave you with is that hindsight is 20/20, and I hope that 21 year old you doesn’t wish they could travel back in time and smack some sense into 17 year old you (but I know if I had not gone away to college and had my experiences, now-me would probably have a knock-down-drag-out fight with 18 yr old me).

Best of luck in whatever you choose.

Post # 59
Member
7768 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have something else to say.  Living on your own is one of the best things you can do for yourself.  Here is the thing- life is long, and having a foundation to look back on, in tough times, where you can think, “hey, I DID that, I can always be okay (on my own)” will help you have security in life.  You are more likely to treat yourself well, have more respect for yourself, and know you will be okay no matter what happens to you.

I have lived SO MANY lives and the one thing I feel good about is knowing, through all of my experience, that no matter what happens, I can move anywhere or stay anywhere, or do anything and always make more friends, or find the old!  I guess what I am trying to say is that I think it is important to have a backup for yourself where you know that you never NEED anyone else- sure, you love them, and need them in small ways, but the only person you ever really need is you.  THAT is what going will help you and strengthen you to realize which will only make you more secure in all of your relationships, first and foremost, the one you have with yourself.

No matter what, you will change throughout the stages of your life, but “going off to college” is not the same as “going to college” in my personal opinion.  Give yourself a chance, give yourself the best in life and get out there and experience it!  (Spoken from someone who went across the country for college, knowing no one.)

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