(Closed) College and marriage? Is it ok to not go away?

posted 9 years ago in College
Post # 89
Member
4800 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think Sunshinelovin was at all harsh, I think she is being very realistic though, which is something that you are having trouble doing. You sound like a pretty tyical 17 year old, and I’m sorry but the typical 17 year old is NOT ready for marriage. Like many of the pps, I was super in love at 17 and was dead set on moving in with my boyfriend, going to school nearby, and marrying him ASAP. And how I regret the college thing – I could of lived in a dorm, graduated in four years, had cool experiences! Instead I chilled out at home with him all the time and missed a bunch of classes, and now at 24 I am still trying to finish my degree and get really sad I missed out on the typical college experience. And thank god we didn’t marry, because if I didn’t believe in divorce I’d be a pretty miserable wife right now, because as I grew up he just wasn’t the right guy for me anymore.

I’m sure you think my post is harsh, just as many of the bees think yours are, well, pretty naive (especially the part about not “believing in” divorce – it’s not Santa Clause, it exists and is a much better option than staying married and miserable for your whole life), but still reminds us of oursevles at 17. I wish you could just go away to school and enjoy your relationship and see where it goes as the two of you mature into your adult selves. Because all of us bees telling you about our relationships at 17 that didn’t work out, and the staggering number of teen marriages that don’t work out…all of those couples thought the same thing as you about their relationship. And yet they are no longer together. 

It’s actually been proven that teens don’t even make these decisions with the same part of the brain as fully gown adults, your brain is still changing and does not use the logical part of it for this kind of decision making. Here’s an article I really hope you will read that talks about teen marriage and why the biological changes happening in you make it a very bad idea: http://marriage.about.com/od/teenmarriage/a/teenbrain.htm 

Also, http://marriage.about.com/od/teenmarriage/bb/teenbasics.htm 

Post # 90
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@Wonderstruck:  YES! Thank you for talking about the brain. Even an extremely self-aware, mature teen simply does not have the brain of an adult. It can’t weigh long-term consequences the same way a fully-formed brain can. That’s why making these kinds of decisions is so dangerous at 17.

OP, you sound mature. But you still sound 17. This is not said to offend, but you have been incredibly defensive to the opinions of other posters. I just hope you eventually take them into consideration. You only get one life…no need to rush it. Make sure you’re on the path you want to be on first. Good luck.

Post # 91
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@Wonderstruck:  

LOL @ “believing.”  It makes me crazy that people say that they don’t believe in divorce.  It definitely exists and it’s a far better alternative that staying in something that makes you miserable  It’s also a very real possibility when people pile the responsibilities and committments of a 30-year old onto their 18-year old shoulders. 

I hope OP listens to the advice and spends at least a year away somewhere.

Post # 92
Member
5842 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m joining the party late, but please go away for at least a year. College is SO MUCH FUN. Even if you don’t learn anything new about yourself the experience of being with tons of kids from diverse backgrounds is great.

Also, you keep saying you know exactly who you are and what you want and what will make you happy. No one KNOWS that no matter how old they are. Reminds me of the Oscar Wilde quote:

“Only the shallow know themselves”

I’m not calling you shallow, but if you think you know everything about yourself at 17 I think you are seriously underestimating your own depth.

Post # 93
Member
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@LGenz:   That’s a good quote. What I learned about myself is that I can live 4 hours away from my home, in NYC, without knowing a soul. That was such an amazing opportunity. And I graduated and got a job in NYC and now support myself, which is a great feeling. I have so much confidence in myself from going away to college, and there is absolutely no substitute.

Post # 94
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In a couple weeks I’m going to be 34, twice your age.  And probably one of the biggest differences between someone who’s 17 and someone who’s 34, is that I KNOW I’m going to change (and therefore chose a man I can change and grow with) and you THINK you won’t change at all. 

You can always get married down the line.  But I think you should take some time to go to college – there’s no time in your life like it.  You have the freedom of being adult, and yet the lack of responsibilities of being a kid.  And I’m sorry, but no matter how mature you are, you’re just too young to realize how young you are and how much life is ahead of you.

Post # 95
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You WILL change, he WILL change… and it’s a GOOD thing. You aren’t supposed to be the same person at 30 as you were at 17. You won’t even be the same person at 20. That is life- changing, growing, learning. What is the rush? If you are so sure it will last and this is ” it ” then it will still be it in a few years. Give yourself time to grow into the woman you will become before you tie yourself down. You will be a better person for getting experience under your belt and it will only enhance your partnership. You are not as wordly and mature as you think you are, how can you be? That requires experience of which you really have none. Growing up fast has nothing to do with it.

Listen to your Mother. There is no reason to get married at 17, 18 or even 20. Live your life and soak it all in before you make such a huge commitment. If he is really ” The One” he will stand besides you through the wait. 

Post # 97
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

That is sad that you don’t want to change. I haven’t read all the replies so maybe I am missing something, but my heart sank reading that. This is a huge world with so much to see, do and experience. I can’t fathom how anyone could not want to see anything outside of their own box. You are still a child and I suppose in a few years you will see what we are all trying to get at. 

Post # 98
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@mixtapehearts:  Agreed. This post honestly breaks my heart :/ But sadly it’s impossible to force someone to see what they do not want to. I would have said similar things at 17…I am so glad I did not do half the things I thought I was prepared to do then! 

Post # 99
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

Yes! College was HANDS DOWN the best 4 years of my life. I grew up so much and learned so much about myself. If someone were to tell me now that all those memories would be erased I would be DEVASTATED. Also, I think there is a big difference in the worldliness and maturity of people that went to college vs. people that didn’t. Not in a bad way…but there is for sure a difference. 

Post # 100
Member
439 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not trying to say that you aren’t mature, LovinChrist18, I understand thinking you’re mature when you’re 17. I was also very mature for 17. But some of the things you say just seems like something a 17 year old without life experience would say. Like how you don’t want to waste time away at college when you could be with your Fiance. Or that you don’t need to spend time apart and have indivdual inteterst because you have all the same interests. People in a mature relationship realise that is is important to have a life outside of the relationship, even if you are married or engaged. Not to be rude, but do you have many friends besides your Fiance that you spend time with, or do you only spend your free time with him? When I was younger so many of my friends would become almost obsessed with thier boyfriends and only spend time with them and just forget about thier friends.

When I first went to college I went because I felt like I had to. So I just picked something at the college closest to me. I had a boyfriend at the time that lived maybe half an hour away. It was exhausting to try and be a good girlfriend and a good student. He worked full time and expected me to call him constantly and would make me feel bad that I wanted to stay home instead of doing things with him. I’m not saying your Fiance will be like this, but really think hard about how you will divide your time between school and being a good partner to your Fiance.

The second time I went to college I moved away to a bigger city from the suburbs. My college didn’t have dorms but I lived on my own with a roomate. It was such a good experience to have to figure out things on my own. I didn’t even know how to use the transit system to get to school or where there was a grocery store to buy food. I paid all my own bills, worked part time and went to school. It was a great feeling to know I did live on my own and was totally fine at such a young age. Especailly when most of my friends still lived at home and thier parents paid for everything.

It really doesn’t sound like you want to go away for college. Like your mom just said please thing about it, so you’re “cosidering the pros and cons” without really thinking about it because you already have your mind made up that you’re going to go to a college near by so you can stay with your Fiance. Even if you did go away, you wouldn’t like it because its not something you truly want to do. It’s good that you’re going to college, because at least going you will gain more life experience than you would from not going. My sister and my roomate had BF’s with “well paying jobs” even tho they didn’t go to college and talked about doing it later. By the time they were done they had mature so much more and gained so much, even going to a college near by. They both ended up leaving thier BF’s because it bothered them that they worked so hard in college to make thier lives better than thier BF’s had no intention of doing so. There’s nothing wrong with having a job that doesn’t require a college education, but you both need to think about what you would do if your Fiance couldn’t do his job anymore. What if he got hurt on the job? Or even in a car accident and couldn’t work? I’m so glad I lived on my own and know that I can live on my own if I had to because even though divorce isn’t something I see in the future for my Fiance and I (let’s be honest, who gets married and thinks well if this doesn’t work I can always get divorced!) if God forbid my Fiance passed away or became so ill that I had to do everything myself, I know I could. Because I’ve done it before.

ANyways, this is so much longer than I wanted it to be, but really, you should take the oppertunity to go live on your own when you have the chance, because you probably never will again. And really, try to enjoy it. Don’t just be miserable because you’d rather be “in his arms”.

Post # 101
Member
1331 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Going to college

Pros: Getting an experience you can never replicate, and still getting to marry your Fiance when you get home. Don’t have to change your wedding date.

Cons: You spend less than a year in a (slightly) LDR.

Not going away to college

Pros: Getting to do something you are going to do anyway.

Cons: Losing the opportunity to go away to college, and possibly regretting it for the rest of your life.

Post # 103
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

I’m 23 (almost 24), and I do not regret waiting to get married. I have always been positive that I want to marry my Fiance, and we started dating when I was 18 and a half. I lived on my own for about six months, and it was utter heck. I had roommates that stole my stuff, lied to me, ate all my food, never paid their bills on time, and talked behind my back. I’m glad I lived on my own but I’m sad that those were the circumstances I lived under.

I went back to college last year, and Fiance was so supportive. “College life” has never appealed to me, especially after my roommate experiece. In the five, and a half years of our relationship we have both changed. It would be crazy if we stayed exactly the same. We have grown up a lot, got stronger, smarter, and there is nothing wrong with change. I thought I knew who I was at 18 but I will say I definitely know who I am now. While going away to college may not be necessary at the very least go to college. You will really grow when you’re in college.

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