(Closed) College engagements and parental pressures…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My dad made me promise that I wouldn’t get married until after I graduated and his parents asked the same thing.  I guess they think that it would be too hard to be married and be in college or maybe the planning in college.  Maybe you could tell your parents that you are going to wait a little while but you wanted to look at things so that you will be more educated when you decide to start planning.

Post # 4
Member
3226 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hey sapphirelady15.

I’m sorry your parents are giving you such a hard time about not getting married now, and that your Fiance are pressuring you to get married!

You did’t really mention it…when do YOU want to get married?

By the way, I graduated with a degree in fine arts too…and I agree, getting your masters is important in this field (at least what I hear). I only have a BA in fine arts, and since graduating have not gotten a job in the art field.  The reason is probably that I don’t know specifically what I want to do…if I would have specialized in something more specific, that probably would have happened. But I’m too indecisive for that. Right now, I would not be ready to get a Masters…so you have to do what’s right for you.

But yes, let us know more about what exactly you want. What do you see as your wedding/school timeline?

Post # 5
Member
604 posts
Busy bee

For this reason, my bf wants to wait til after I graduate. I’m a year away from graduating and my bf and I know my parents would be upset if I didnt atleast finish my degree before getting engaged. I think it’s a bit antiquated, but we’re in no rush either so it all works out to our favor plus he just started his Masters.

Post # 7
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Are there two of these threads? I definitely feel like I replied, but it’s not on here. 

Post # 9
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Haha, well… my answer’s there!

Post # 10
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

lilyfaith, there are two, but I think this is the one with more posts.

sapphirelady15, I’m really sorry you are going through this. I know you must feel pulled in different directions, but in the end, marriage is an adult decision, and therefore your decision to make with your Fiance. I think 2011 is realistic — waiting until after grad school seems like a really long time, and it sounds like you are ready! I would suggest gently talking with your parents about your plans in terms of what you WILL be doing, rather than asking what they think. Set a tentative date, like June 2011 or whenever you think would be the best time for you, and hopefully your parents will catch on — a lot do. I think they probably are just having a hard time with the fact that you are growing up and making choices that they don’t have a lot of say in.

Post # 11
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Okay, well this was my post:

I’m in a similar situation to you – I’m in my second year of a B.A. in Psych, plan to get my master’s after, we’ve been dating since we were 14, and have lived together for awhile now. We just got engaged, although I’m still waiting on the ring as he’s making payments and he plans to do a “real” proposal. We’ve both agreed that we want to finish undergrad before getting married, so we set our date for the summer between undergrad and grad. 

Our parents were a bit wary our senior year of high school when they caught us talking about marriage once. They were really afraid that we’d bury ourselves and end up giving up our careers because the other wasn’t supportive enough. 

We’ve showed them that we can succeed together, though, and let them know that our careers are very important to us. Other than sitting down and explaining to your parents that you know it will be tough, but you don’t plan to sacrifice your education or future because of the wedding, I’d hope they’d come around. If not, I think you’ll just have to show them with your actions and wait for them to realize that you have your head on straight. (For lack of a better term.)

Post # 12
Member
2718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I had that problem too-I’m 21 & got engaged in February (was 20 when we got engaged) & my parents kept saying…you’ll wait to get married until after school right? & Iwould just say we’ll see.

We eventually were talking about the date & we wanted February & his parents weren’t crazy about it, and my parents really didn’t want it. We ended up going to august 14th, 6 months after we wanted to. We’re not the most happy, but honestly, as soon as I said we’re getting married in August, things started to come together & work out more than it did when we were planning the feb wedding.

I definitely understand how you feel!

Post # 13
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

A couple of thoughts for you on this post:

It seems like the parents are not worried about the wedding so much as they are worried about marriage after. I know in my family that once we say I Do that all financial support will cease. Right now my parents are paying part of my living expenses (not tuition) while I am on my way to getting my doctorate and Fiance family is paying for his Masters program as well. Fiance and I got engaged when we were both 22. And we will not be getting married until we are both 24 and have completed all of our education. Your family is right – you need that further education.

I really disaggree with you calling finishing your education antiquated. It is hugely progressive and forward thinking to make sure that both you and your Fiance are well educated and have the possibility of great careers. Not so long ago the reason many women (not all!) went to college was to get a MRS. degree.

I don’t know about a masters in fine arts but when I sat for my interview the lady openly asked me about an significant others in my life and I told her that yes I was in a long term relationship and looking towards marriage. She flat out told me that most relationships cannot endure the strain of school. I thought that she was crazy. I got here and in the first year there were about 12 of us who were engaged or in a long term relationship. There are only 4 of us left now. (However 2 of the original 12 left the program because of their relationship drama) And we had 6 married couples and only 2 of those are still intact. So while I am hugely thankful for my Fiance – I realize that we are the exception. There are soooooo many out there that don’t make it.

Best of luck!

Post # 14
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I just don’t get it.  Why would you marry someone who would cause you to drop out of school? 

 

Laural, that is what is antiquated.  Not finishing school but thinking marriage and school are mutually exclusive in some way.  It used to be that men would not support a woman’s school and career but I hope that is no longer true.  I don’t think it’s easier to go to school single so I don’t get this “finish school first” mentality. 

I know my mom was also worried about something like this which blew me away when I found out.  School and career was really important to me so I was going to finish no matter what.  I still don’t know what the hell she was thinking thinking I’d drop out for a guy.

Post # 15
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It is not that these guys caused these very intelligent women to drop out. These women made that choice. For some it was a combination of our school schedule being so strenuous that there was little or no time for a relationship and things that were not a problem before became problems. It was also for some a money thing. In our program it is impossible to work even part time. So the strains of little money, no time and a rocky relationship all put inside of a high pressure academic schedule caused real problems.

I don’t think anyone goes into marriage thinking things are not going to work out and that you won’t finish school but the reality is that it happens to some people.

I can tell you that there is NO way that Fiance and I could get married right now without one of us having to drop out of school at least temporarily. Because of my program I cannot work (same as just about any other med program out there) and he cannot work either. Our parents believe that if I am old enough and mature enough to tie the knot that I am also old enough to support myself.

If you want some good statistics on what med/dental/vet/law/etc programs do to marriages and relationships go sit with their interviewing committee because those people are flat out rude and pretty much tell you that you it won’t work out. I cannot really speak for careers outside of the medical world but I would like to think that getting a masters in any discipline would require a great deal time and money and hard work.

I don’t believe that every relationship that has one or both parteners in school will fail. But I KNOW (i am living it) that it is hard. Harder than I ever imagined. In this case I just think that this girls parents want her not to have to go through that type of hardship. Maybe they want her to have an easier time than they did. Whatever their reasoning is – I agree with it. Finish school first because things don’t go the way that they are planned most of the time but no one can ever take that education away from you.

 

Post # 16
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Your parents are just encouraging you to finish school first, or just not to lose sight of your education. It’s easy to let your studies/grades go to the wayside when you’re planning a wedding. It can be overwhelming. I don’t know how heavy your courseload is, but I know for me, it would not have been doable.

Just let your parents know that you plan on finishing school but you’re going to plan a little, also.

It’s such a parental thing to do–my parents didn’t encourage my relationship until i was just a little bit away from graduating. That was the #1 thing at the time. It’s not that I would have dropped out, but it would have been a LOT more stress that easily could’ve waited a little bit. I was an engineering student though, and your load may be more manageable.

 

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