(Closed) College engagements and parental pressures…

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@laural

Totally. I would be embarassed to ask for money from my parents for living expenses once married. I know they will be there if there is a crisis, but that is just a family thing. Getting married and not being able to support ourselves are totally inconsistent in my book.

@sapphire

One thing your parents may be worried about is that you will get married and then give your career up or put it in the back seat. Plenty of women do it. And though few men say it before marriage, there are still a decent number of guys who don’t value women’s careers (not impugning your fiance, these are possibly just your parents’ fears).

The best remedy for everything is open and honest dialogue. Don’t just go on their comments, go and talk to them, best of all with your fi by your side. AND go armed with a plan: when you want to get married, how you will support yourselves (if that’s an issue), and what your education plan will be.

Post # 34
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009 - Ceremony: The Kraine Theatre, Reception: Midtown Loft & Terrace

Hey Sapphirelady–

I just had to chime in here because our situations sound so similar πŸ™‚

I got engaged 6 months before finishing my B.F.A. and while I wasn’t planning on getting my M.F.A. (or at least not in the next ten years), my parents put a lot of pressure on us to have a long engagement and were not supportive of us wedding planning at all. It was really hard on me because I wanted to be able to take my mom dress shopping and be all happy and she just kept putting me off and making snarky comments until I finally decided to go with friends instead.

If your parents are anything like mine, they will come around a few months before the wedding. Does that make this time any easier? No. But maybe it will lift your spirits to know that they will be happy for you when the important time comes.

Get married when you and your guy want to. Listen to the advice they give and see if anything they say appeals to you, but if it doesn’t, don’t let them decide how your life will go for you. Do what you want and be strong and they will probably eventually see that you are put together and serious enough to know what you’re doing and will start believing that you’re doing the right thing.

Big hugs and PM me if you need anything!

Post # 35
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Thanks sapphire! I see your point of view better now. 

Post # 36
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I definitely see financial independence as a must before marriage. I will have student loans to pay off, but we can deal with that. R is lucky enough not to have any. 

Post # 38
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I kind of know how you feel. My parents wanted to make sure I would be graduated first too before I was married, not really for finincial reasons, but just to calm them a bit I guess. I will be graduating in May (FI already graduated), and my wedding is not until July, thankfully, but I hope things start to look up to for you soon, and plus you can always look at wedding stuff if you wish. Are they really behind you staring over your shoulder 24/7? and hey even if you wanted to buy something for the wedding, even if it was something small, like stuff for a DIY project you could always do that too.

Post # 39
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think that it is just your parents being protective.  They want to make sure you make good decisions and have a good life for yourself.  Also, remember that you are their little girl.  I think my dad went through that a bit.  We planned our wedding to be 13 months after we got engaged and my dad thought that it was too soon.  At first I felt like he didn’t support us but I figured out he was just being a parent and I was his little girl all grown up.

Post # 40
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

Laural, because I don’t understand what marriage has to do with it.

Marriage is not a life style choice.

Marriage is the decision to commit to a romantic life partner.  Where do the finances come in to it?  Some people talk about marriage as if it’s a graduate class. 

As someone else said, I would be embarassed to ask for money from my parents once married but I would be just as emabrassed to ask them after I was a certain age, out of school, whatever.

I actually think the idea of marriage as a certain type of life is very prevelant in our society and a cause for unhappiness and divorce.  I think people frequently want to get married not because they found a person they want to be with always but because they want that lifestyle that they associate with marriage.  They are a lot of different ways to have a marriage!  I don’t think living with your parents as a married couple is any less valid than living on your own.  In other countries that’s the norm.

I don’t understand refusing to support your child because they made decisions you don’t agree with.  I would be sad if my child was incapable of making decisions about their own life at 21.  I would think I had failed in raising them right.  Financial support that comes from love shouldn’t come with strings, imo. 

 

Post # 41
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Saphire:

If I’m interpreting things right this is more about the fact that your parents are dismissive of your relationship and desire to plan for the future in terms of your personal life rather than their desire for you to get your MFA? That is completely understandable. You’ve been with your guy for years and they seem (from what I understand) to be sending the message to you that that’s not very important. I would talk to them and let them know that you want to and are going to pursue a master’s degree, but that it hurts when they respond to your relationship, engagement, ect like its not an important part of your life as well (that it should take the back burner).

To add: I am often bothered when people think that you can’t get married or plan a wedding while going to school or what not. You are the most qualified person to decide this. Not your parents. Not us.

Post # 42
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am kind of dealing with the same thing. The boy and I aren’t engaged yet, but live together. We have a year until school ends and the pressure for us to get engaged and married is coming from everywhere. I can’t wait until the day he proposes but we have NO money to afford any sort of ring that I would want nor anything other than a court house wedding. You only get married once (well idealy) so that is just not happening.

 

In the end you have to do what is right in your relationship. You can plan your wedding and still persue your education-and shouldn’t feel guilty about it…I am not technically engaged yet (no ring or proposal but we’re starting to plan everything) but planning is something that takes time. It is YOUR big day, don’t let them ruin it! πŸ˜€

 

 

What does your Fiance say when you talk about it? Does he want to start plannning/is he excited?

 

 

Post # 43
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020

@lilyfaith: Perfectly stated. I agree whole heartedly

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