College proposals and musician life?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

The fact that youre seeking reassurance from strangers tells me youre uncertain – so slow down. No reason to rush if youre not 100% sure.

You guys do sound pretty mature and compatible right now… but you will grow and change SO MUCH in the next 5 years so that compatibility could easily change. This is possible in any relationship, but its particularly likely in early-mid-late 20s when youre still figuring out who you are and what you want — and then constantly adjusting those plans based on real life challenges and unexpected twists.

Post # 17
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

A lot of girls in my master’s program got engaged our first year and I can’t imagine how they had time to enjoy their engagement or plan anything while in our intense program. For my boyfriend and I the biggest thing was waiting until I finished my program even though I was older than most others in my program and it was hard with so many of them getting engaged back to back. We’ve been together for 5 years, both turned 30 this year and I just finished my program in August. We just bought the ring this month. Ultimately it’s up to you to figure out what you really want and what’s best for your relationship. Are you ok with being away from him while engaged? Getting engaged at the right time will feel right for both of you, others opinions on timing are just opinions.

Post # 18
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Girl, I hope you like jazz! I am a musician, also, and used to do the night gigs when I played bass for a rockabilly band. I was single while in the band. Our drummer was/is married and his wife was at most of the gigs, often helping him set up and take down his drumset, and she seemed pretty happy with that. Her nightlife was pretty cut out for her because of this so that may be how it is for you, as well. Not that you would need to attend EVERY gig, just kind of sharing anectdotal information here. One of the reasons I stopped gigging when I did is because I had a full-time job as it was (I’m a physical therapist as well) and it really did take up a lot of my time. His gigging is probably the least worrisome issue here, especially if you enjoy music the way he does. We could go on and on about the unstable income musicians tend to make but that really wasn’t your question, so on to the next:

I would say to just wait until one of you, at least, is out of school to do the engagement and marriage thing. You’re very young and are both working on your careers and, quite frankly, have time to settle things down before taking next steps. That said, this advice is coming from a 40-year-old who is in the waiting phase herself, so make of that what you will.  

Post # 19
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I recommend you take everyone’s advice with a grain of salt, and do what you both feel is best. Have you both discussed timelines in depth and various details? Finances, kids, if anyone will want to be a stay at home parent, what kind of lifestyle you both want, etc? It is important to be on the same page and have the same kind of values. Keeping all that in mind, my honest opinion is you are not ready.

1. You are still young, you were young when you met and you are still so, so young. I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was at that age, but I changed so much in my twenties! And I have been called mature my whole life. I also think it’s a bit of an issue that your family members married young and that is causing you some pressure to do the same. Wrong reasons and all that.

2. I think that living together for a month is not enough of an indicator yet. It doesn’t sound like you really mixed finances (which is fine, that was probably smart) and I get the feeling it was more like an extended sleepover kind of thing rather than living together. My husband stayed over at my place (that I had with roommates) probably 80% of the time that I lived there, for an entire year, before I got my own place. It was honestly night and day different. So not that that should count against you, I just don’t think you can say you’ve really experienced living together as a supporting argument for why you should get engaged in the next two years. And on the same note, it’s great that you didn’t really argue, but I also wouldn’t expect you to have many arguments in just a month. I think arguing more than a few times a year could be a bad sign (though I mean more like serious fights really, my husband and I bicker often but do not have serious fights too much- and it also depends how you guys work together to resolve those fights. Everyone disagrees on things like where to eat, I don’t think that tells you anything).

3. On the same note, I’m glad you guys both enjoy traveling and travel well together. That can be stressful, and it’s good to know you both enjoy that shared activity. But again, you can enjoy taking vacations with someone without that being a reason for you guys to get married. 

I don’t think you should break up, and maybe he is the one. I just don’t think this relationship has really been tested yet based on the information you provided. 

So tell us, why do you want to marry this guy? What is it about him that makes you think he will be a good life partner for the next 60+ years? And what makes you feel ready for a big step like marriage with him? If you broke up and started dating someone else, would the pressure from your family still be a factor? Would you be wanting to talk about engagement with the next guy too? Have you had a moment with your boyfriend now where you felt like THIS particular guy is absolutely it for you, or does engagement just feel like the next logical step? I encourage you to really, really dig deep with these questions and be as honest with yourself (and hopefully us) as possible. Again, given time, this might be the right guy, but if you provide more of this info it could help. 

Post # 20
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

My partner is a musician balancing a full time office job with running a recording studio and his own music career all at once. Music takes a lot of money and time to go anywhere in and even then there is no guarantee. My partner does understand we require two stable incomes to work properly. Be prepared for nights on your own when he’s gigging or touring. I recommend having your own personal hobby. I stream games and write both of which I have to enjoy on my own. 

As far as engagement goes just remember you have plenty of time. Wait until one of you has graduated at least. 

Post # 22
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

I typed up a whole thing about being married to a musician but WB seems to have eaten it.

TL;DR: I am married to a musician, but we met in our 30s when his career was already established. If I were you, I would NOT get engaged in college. Making it as a jazz musician in 2019 is not for the faint of heart. Your bf has a big fight ahead of him and you just don’t know what that’s going to look like or what type of partner he’s going to be during that. Studying to be a jazz musician is very different than actually trying to be one in the real world.

For a lot of artists (my husband definitely included), their self worth is so tightly connected to their artistic ability and achievements, and any setbacks in their careers can be really devastating and take a serious toll on the partner too. I just think you’d be better off holding off on the engagement until you see how he actually functions post college, as he tries to make this jazz musician thing happen, and see what your relationship looks like through all of that too. If you wait awhile to get engaged, after you’ve both gotten somewhat established in your careers and lived together for real, you’ll have so much more confidence in your relationship too and that will give you the best foundation for getting married.

Post # 23
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

He sounds like a great guy and it sounds like you have a really healthy and supportive relationship for the most part. No doubt you’ve been through some heavy things together, even if you haven’t been through actual adulthood much at all (by which I mean living and working in the real world, fully supporting yourselves through your careers). You’re still only 21, still both in college!

I think the relationship will be stronger if you hit the pause button on engagement for a few more years and see what things look like once you’re out of the familiar and relatively secure space of college. See what it feels like to work full time and pay all your own bills (I’m assuming you have some financial support from your parents right now – forgive me if I’m wrong). See how life is working a 9-5 while in a relationship with a career jazz musician (not student jazz musician). It might be everything you’re expecting and completely fulfilling, but it also might be hard in ways you hadn’t anticipated. You might be totally content, or you might hit bumps in the road that present a serious struggle, to the point that one or both of you isn’t sure this is what you want after all. You just don’t know yet!

The point is, you have nothing to lose by waiting awhile, and everything to gain. Wishing you lots of luck!

Post # 24
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Aww, very sweet! Thanks for sharing what makes you guys work, I really enjoyed reading about it. Though you guys are still young, it sounds like you are very happy together and very supportive of one another. So that’s great! 

I agree with the pp that still taking your time won’t hurt. It sounds like you decided to do that already, I think that is great. Not saying you have to wait forever, just no need to rush. Thank you for sharing! Wishing you guys all the best!!

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