(Closed) Combining (long)

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I feel like it takes a long time for a couple to get into a groove of being ONE. No matter how much a couple thought they were a unit before living together, living together brings a whole ‘nother dimension into it.I think generally maybe your husband needs to trust you a little more if you really feel he does not. And you maybe not be as sensitive to the little things he says or does.

The example you stated I did not feel was anything to feel offended about? Perhaps he just wanted you to chill and relax while he took care of everything? Now, if it were my husband and I, I would be doing the checking out while he puts the bags in the car. Because those are our strong points in that specific situation, I deal with finances and people and he is a GREAT packer. I think it’ll take time for you and your husband to get into that groove? But then on the other hand there ARE girls out there that would prefer to just sit the air conditioned car while the guy takes care of everything, not to say you are.

As for the credit card, IF you have completely combined everything why don’t you have access to that account and have a card as well?

I think overall, living together is a huge growing experience/pain for couples. It’s going to take time and even after living together for 7 years there are still little things here and there that will annoy us out of the blue for no particular reason. Some days it will and some days it won’t.

Just talk to him and it’ll get better, promise. πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - ceremony in our family's Catholic church in Watsonville; reception at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk

* HUGS * I don’t have any advice, but interested as I forsee this coming up for me and Fiance in the future. Just wanted you to know I read your post πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly this is the main reason that my mom and stepdad have separate finances. He is old fashioned about some things and it is definitely a his money kind of thing. If you two have decided that you want to share expenses then I think some ground rules need to be put in place. Since you are both responsible then sit down and say if either of us makes a purchase over X dollars then we need to discuss it first as a couple. Any large purchases are a joint and not a single decision. Perhaps something like that might help. Be honest. Money is the number 1 reason for divorce and if you can sit down and talke about it now then it will not become an issue later.

Post # 6
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

You could do separate finances.  Lots of couples do.  If you’re going to combine them, then I don’t think there’s anything nagging or controlling about asking him to tell you about purchases over a certain amount. 

As for the rest, I’m worried about this, too.  My fiance and I are getting ready to move in together and I’m worried about combining things, particularly our finances but other things as well.  I am good with money and he is not, so I will be handling all of that.  It already feels weird to discuss budgets with him, and I think it will be even stranger when I have to make sure I’m getting enough from him to pay the bills and what not.  From the other side, it will be weird to think of my money as our money, since I’ve been on my own for so long. 

I think it’s one of those things that just gets easier over time.  Being open to change and compromise are important.  As is communication.  But I’m sure you already know that.  Smile

Post # 7
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m also going back and forth over some aspects of combining – mainly financial. We’ve been together a long time, and lived together a long time, but it wasn’t until we started talking marriage that we really looked at our financial goals.

Right now, I just think it’ll be easier if he handles all of it (but I have access). He’s better about recording bills, projecting balances, etc. I’m responsible, but not as disciplined.

But then, today for example, I spent $50 on something I want but don’t necessarily need… and I feel awkward about the idea of having to explain that (or asking him to explain a similar purchase to me).

Post # 8
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

There is definitely a learning curve when being independent for so long.  Darling Husband and I are both in our 40s so its taken some adjustment to first learn to live w/ each other and then to be married.   I’m A type, can be quite controlling when it comes to finances and the household.  He’s a completely relaxed guy who just wants to eat, drink and be merry.  I noticed the most changes are due to our spending and saving as well as eating habits.  So, taking the advice of my married gf, we decided:  I’ll handle the finances and the household while he handles the cars, landry and dishes.   We’re still figuring out the min we can spend w/out a 2nd approval, how much we should save monthly to reach our goals, where to go on vacation(he has no desire to travel out of the country), how many sweets need to be in the cupboard, etc. 

It is weird having to answer to someone on issues that I easily handled before, but its worth it for me. 

I do know that now is the time to Discuss your differences.  All my gf who have been married for a decade or longer told me to speak now or forever hold your peace. If you expect certain things in your relationship, family life, etc, speak through it now.  Cause it ain’t pretty when the years of resentment build up.

Post # 9
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

My husband is like that too. He likes to do things his way, and I do things “wrong” in his world. I’m always telling him just b/c I do it different then you, doesn’t make it wrong! But for the most part I just let him do it, less work for me, and one less arguement for us.

Post # 10
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

The thing I’ve noticed lately is the word “we.”  For example, hubs will be on the phone describing something we did together, and he will say “I went to ___” when really it was both of us that went.  It’s small but it rubs me the wrong way and makes me feel invisible.

Post # 11
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee

My fiancé and I have been living together a year and a half, and we both know we won’t combine finances. We’ll probably have a joint account and saving account, but our paychecks will go into our own accounts and whatnot. We just like managing our own money, and that works for us. 

As for everything else, it takes time to learn how to work together. We’re definitely not perfect, but as time goes on we get better. And use the word “we.” Talk about your future together πŸ™‚ It helps to have unified goals to feel the “oneness.” We also have our own things we do in the house and when I need help, he’s always there to pick up the slack and vice versa.

Post # 12
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@kala_way:  It sound like he listened to you and felt bad about not realizing how he made you feel… that’s a good sign.  I think it takes time, patience, and just being aware.  It’s a learning process and honestly it sounds like you guys made progress already.  I think some guys just really enjoy taking care of their gf/ wife. 

For us, we finally decided to totally combine the finances and now we do have to call or messge each other for every purchase, just so the other doesn’t make a big purchase in the same day too.  For me it was about letting go of the “permission” label and for him it was harder… he didn’t want to feel like he was being told what to do with his money.  But, in the end, both those feelings had nothing to do with how we were actually treating each other and more to do with old ways of thinking that no longer had a place in the life we wanted together.

Try making him laugh about it… when he won’t let go of the reins on other things.  My favorite line is, “Really, babe, I’ve got this… trust me!”  With a smile.  It’s hard to convey that in type, but I ease him into at least giving me a shot with teasing him through it.  Once he sees that my way works or that I can do it his way too, he relaxes.  Some things I let go- it’s all a balancing act of what to stand your ground on, what to accept as “just how he is.”  I’m not suggesting that you have to make a joke out of everything.  Some things, like the credit card, need a mature conversation.  Other things don’t need to be made such a big deal and they work themselves out.

Great post and a really important topic!  I think we all go through this in one way or another. 

Post # 14
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am wondering if maybe (as for the bag thing and all that stuff) if maybe he was just trying to take care of you, because many men feel like that is their job, not necassarily him trying do things his way, but that he wanted to make sure you didn’t HAVE to do anything….

As for the money issue, my advise is how Fiance and I will be handling our finances after we wed….

We will have a shared account for bills, food, and together entertainment, and our own accounts for our personal things, games for him, hair for me, and if I shop on my credit card, I will pay it from account, and the same goes for him.

This doesn’t work for every couple, but it is a suggestion that way you don’t feel like you are paying for his credit card and you don’t feel like you have to ask what he bought with it.

We decided on this because I don’t want to spend OUR money on video games, and he didn’t want to spend OUR money on my hair ($80 every 6 weeks). We also decided that if we have our own accounts we could buy presents for each other for special occasions from our own accounts and that way they will always be a surprise…

I hope everything works out for you both, good luck 

p.s. I agree that it might take a while for two to become one, it is a learning process for both of you, just take your time, and remember that open communication without fighting is the way to go to be happy, and when frustrated, take deep calming breaths πŸ™‚

Post # 15
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

In my experience, and from talking to friends and others who have been married, money tends to be a big stressor in marriage! Particularly because you are both coming from independent lives and ways of doing things, just as my husband and I did, I think it is really helpful to come up with a plan for how finances are going to be handled.

In our marriage we have combined bank accounts, credit cards, etc. That said, I am the one who manages our budget but Darling Husband is the one who pays the bills. This way we are constantly communicating about our money. For general spending we each get a monthly “allowance” that we can spend any way we want. We agreed to discuss major purchases together– pretty much anything over $100.

Money stuff is tricky, but you will figure out what works best for both of you– IF you communicate about it!

As for that other thing, I might have been annoyed by that, too. I get annoyed when Darling Husband tried to jump in and fix things for me. I lived on my own for years, I can fix my computer, I can change a lightbulb! But I think you handled it well, and it sounds like he responded pretty well, too. Good luck! Marriage takes some work sometimes, but it’s definitely worth it πŸ˜‰

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