(Closed) Comfortable with talking about kids, but not marriage?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My ex also wanted kids and house without marriage, and wasn’t certain about getting married. All i have to say about that is he is my ex.

Post # 4
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It is normal. I have a few friends that would rather just have children then get married. One couple in particular is TTC, she dosn’t want to marry him but she wants a child. Some people would rather adopt or hire a surrogate and be a single parent then have a partner. Some people would rather have children first then get married later.

Nothing wrong with it in my opinion (it is a personal choice), but in order for that choice to be okay in a relationship, both people need to be on the same page. Clearly you believe in marriage before children, you need to be vocal about this. You need to get that out of the way now, it may or may not be a deal breaker to him. It could also just be because talking about babies is usually more of a “happy” thing for a man to talk about then boring wedding plans…

Post # 5
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I have to be honest the first thing I think when I read this is, that he is comfortable talking about wanting babies and being a dad because its him centric. Being committed to you isn’t a prerequisite of having babies. But thats a pessimistic way to look at things. Sorry!

Post # 6
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Mine is the same way! He’s also a child of divorce. I am too but I need the security of a man. (ashamed to admit but it’s true.) We can go on and on about kids. How he’s going to spoil he’s daughter rotten, but I say anything about getting married, he likes to change the subject. (He doesn’t like to hear any details about, not the planning type.)  I believe it’s because his dad was never in his life that he feels like he needs to be better than he was.

Post # 7
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I also don’t think it’s necessarily a bad sign. I think in some ways it’s easier for some men to talk about having kids because it seems like something that is further down the line. If a guy thinks he has to be married (and obviously, has to have proposed) before having kids, talking about becoming a father may seem less stressful because he doesn’t have to start planning for it in the immediate future, whereas a proposal demands a more immediate commitment.

What exactly does he say? Does he just talk about how cute the kids he sees are or does he make statements like, “I can’t wait to have kids.” The latter would be weirder, in my opinion, if he is uncomfortable talking about marriage. It’s not that uncommon for women, though, to know that they want kids but to be on the fence about marriage. I wouldn’t be worried just yet!

Post # 8
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

Agree with @Cady there are a lot of people who want children but don’t want to get married so it’s not unusual necessarily. But if you feel differently, it’s probably something you should hammer out cause that could be a relationship dealbreaker. Maybe something like next time he brings up kids say something like, “Hey, you know that I really want kids too, but I wanted to let you know that it would be important to me to be married first.”

Post # 9
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

It might be because kids are an “eventually”, so he can think about them in a more relaxed way, but he might be feeling pressure when it comes to marriage because he thinks/you think of it as the more immediate future.

Post # 10
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@lbear:  Haha, we must have been typing at the same time – this is exactly what I was trying to say but you put it much more eloquently!

Post # 11
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Regina Phalange:  You know what they say about great minds! I love your screen name, by the way!

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