(Closed) Coming Clean to Fiancee… is there any point? (bit long..)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I come clean before the wedding?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 167
    Member
    2699 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @MissHelen:

    Agreed. I gave my advice only after putting myself in the position of her Fiance. I wouldn’t want to know.

    Post # 169
    Member
    5890 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I talked with my DH about this, we both agree, Don’t tell, but also don’t live with the guilt. You *have* to find a way to forgive yourself and make peace with  what you did. 

    Post # 171
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I think that, by telling him, you are being selfish. It was so long ago and your relationship has obviously blossomed since then. Why would you tell him now, after all this time? Because you want to be honest? Nope. Because you want to feel better yourself. It’ll put unnecessary strain on the relationship. If you didn’t tell him then, you shouldn’t tell him now. If it was a more recent thing, it would be a different story. I agree with other posters here too. You need to find a way to forgive yourself. Write it down on a piece of paper. Write all of your feelings down about it and all of the regret and sadness you feel about what happened. Admit to it, as though you are admitting it to him. Then burn it. Burning your confession will help you move on. I wish you luck. You deserve to be happy with your fiance. 

    Post # 172
    Member
    263 posts
    Helper bee

    I haven’t read the responses, but you absolutely should tell him, IMO. My marriage ended because my now-ex-husband cheated on me.

    I’ve since joined an infidelity support group and one thing I’ve observed is that marriages that fall apart 10, 20, 30 years down the line often were built on shoddy foundations at the very beginning – hearing women (and men) in their 50s and 60s break down about how their spouse could have lied to them for the last 20+ years, about something that happened so early on, is heartbreaking.

    If you choose not to tell him, you will be carrying this secret for the rest of your marriage. (Note I didn’t say the rest of your life – because I have significant doubts about a marriage with such a huge lie at the beginning of it lasting until the end of your life.) You will deal with guilt, remorse, and the haunting knowledge that you’re lying to the man you love every day.

    The fact that you felt it necessary to write this post shows, In My Humble Opinion, that you know you need to come clean.

    Marriage is really hard work. Lying because you don’t want to deal with the repurcussions of your own choices (and yes, getting hammered was a choice you made, as was emotionally investing in another man while you were in a relationship, and no, I don’t care what excuses you want to cloak it in – you made choices, you live with the fall out) isn’t a very good sign that you’re ready for the hard work and reality that marriage requires.

    Post # 173
    Member
    3367 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I’m not trying to debate whether OP should come clean or not… but I still don’t get this “selfish” argument.  She isn’t going to suddenly feel like a million bucks if she does tell him, and there’s a whole new set of emotions to face afterwards.  Her conscience is bothering her b/c thats what happens when a good person does something “bad”.  It’s driving me batty that so many people are saying she’s selfish for wanting to tell him.  Her conscience wants to do the right thing.  It may or may not be wise at this point to do the right thing, but it’s not going to make her feel better to tell him, so I can’t see how it’s selfish.  Her emotions don’t transfer from her to him… she still has to live with it and with his reaction, which is all the more difficult.  So it’s actually selfish to keep it to herself, as it has been from the moment it happened.  She’s avoiding the consequences by keeping quiet = selfish.  It might be smarter to be selfish at this point. 

     

    Post # 174
    Member
    3218 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I could not marry someone if I was keeping this secret– lying to him for that long is worse than the night of infidelity. The longer you wait, the worse it is. 

    Post # 175
    Member
    190 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Don’t tell him and forgive yourself. IF you tell him, you need to be prepared to give up not just last last four years, but your wedding and future. Everyone has secrets they take to the grave. Forgive yourself and move on. No one is perfect.

    Post # 176
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I voted yes. You’re going to be saying you will love, honor, be faithful and honest with him for the rest of your life. If you don’t tell him then you’re lying to him and yourself. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

    Post # 177
    Member
    15 posts
    Newbee

    @courtney1188:   I voted to tell him, and while I do see your point, don’t you think it should be his decision? 

     

    Post # 179
    Member
    487 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    View original reply
    @QuietOne: Although I initially said not to tell him (mostly because I feel she’s doing it to make herself feel better, but that it’s sad that the fiance will now shoulder all the ill feelings) I have to say your post made me think again. As you spoke so honestly from experience and in such detail that I feel I am now leaning more towards the other side. This particularly made me think: “Note I didn’t say the rest of your life – because I have significant doubts about a marriage with such a huge lie at the beginning of it lasting until the end of your life” and that’s probably the long and short of it and the most though provoking statement.

     I also like this from

    View original reply
    @jjmomma: “Her conscience wants to do the right thing.”

    Whatever the OP decides to do, one thing must be clear….she did the wrong thing, however upset she was, however bad her situation was and however much alcohol she (willingly) drank. I am still slightly torn on what the right thing for her to do now is though.

     

    Post # 180
    Member
    7769 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    One of the people I look up to the most (she is in her 50s) had a marriage that ended because her husband cheated on her.  She did not know.  For 7 years.  It was not the cheating that killed her- it was the lying.  Everyday she lived without knowing she regreted. 

    It is selfish not to tell.  I think it is sad that so many people believe (on this thread) that a marriage can work with these sorts of lies.  DH and I agreed at the beginning of our relationship that we would forgive anything in our relatonship- anything, except lying.  It is hurtful to both of you not to tell him.  It happened whether you tell him or not.  Nothing can change that. 

    As for the argument that “I just asked my DH and he said he would not want to know,” I do not believe that for a moment that anyone would truly not want to know.  It is the fact that they feel like they cannot tell them- that is the killer in this sort of instance.  Feeling that you did something you have to “not tell” and keeping it from someone is wrong because it does not give them the chance to participate in their own relationship.  They deserve to know the truth and forgive or work on the problems that caused this to happen, or to walk away.  They deserve that.  If you love someone, you give them that chance. 

    ETA: It is an invalid argument because your SO, the one that you asked (if they would “want to know”) is basing the concept off of the relationship THEY are in, not the one the person is in in this instance.  I believe a SO with a good relationship has one because it is built upon mutual respect.  The actual SO does not have a relationship that was.

    Post # 181
    Member
    686 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I think you’ve been given a lot of different answers on whether or not you should tell him.

    I think you probably should have told him perhaps a year later, but you didn’t.  So now you have to make the best out of the situation that is – both for him and for you.

    What’s best for him:

    I think you should NOT tell him, UNLESS you believe that this aspect that happened in the past puts you at risk of doing this again during your marriage.  If your intent is to tell him because he needs to be fully aware of the stakes, then do so.

    What’s best for you:

    I think you’re suffering from a lot of guilt, and I think you could benefit from seeing a therapist to talk to about this and so you can learn some mechanism on how to (a) forgive yourself (b) deal with stress if another difficult sitaution were to come up again.

    I’m very pro-therapy for everyone, so please don’t take offense.  A therapist can provide some tips on how to cope with those tense moments when you think you’re going to burst from the shame or fear – there’s mindful breathing, visualization exercises, a saying to tell yourself over and over again.  I think you have to learn to heal so this doesn’t affect your marriage.

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