(Closed) Coming Clean to Fiancee… is there any point? (bit long..)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I come clean before the wedding?
    Yes : (199 votes)
    28 %
    No : (500 votes)
    72 %
  • Post # 107
    Member
    1238 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    NO!!!!!

    it was so long ago, you know it was a mistake, it only happened the one time, there were so many extenuating circumstances…. and it will only bring this mis-step from your past into your present.

    you need to forgive yourself! i strongly advise you NOT to disclose to your fiance or your Maid/Matron of Honor, or best friend. keep this buried in the past.

    Write something down, or draw something, and burn it. Do some little ritual where you let it go. maybe tie it to a rock and throw it into water. and then truly, forgive yourself, and dont’ let that one night continue to haunt you.

    Post # 108
    Member
    490 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2016

    I really don’t know.  I have a no tolerance on cheating and I feel you should have told him when it happened.  I don’t get the point that at this point, it isn’t relevent.  If it is going to eat you alive, then I would tell him or have a talk with him.  If you can let it go, I would.

    Post # 109
    Member
    2161 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I am usually a person who never sides with the cheater.  My dad cheated on mom when I was a teenager and the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

    But, in this case, I would think it would be better if you got counseling and kept it to yourself. 

    It sounds like you barely knew each other then and you probably had no idea you would be with him for years.  As long as you know you would never cheat again, I would take it as a hard lesson learned and moved on.

    I’m assuming you had STD testing done too, since then?

    Post # 110
    Member
    7770 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I would never want to marry someone who did not tell me the truth.

    Here is the thing:  the truth ALWAYS reveals itself.  Always.  It is better to tell your Fiance now, with a heart to heart than have him find out later.  If he loves you and deserves you, he will forgive you!

    Post # 111
    Member
    7770 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I am not against cheating.  Cheating is not black and white.  It is a result of things, and a sign that things either are not right in the relationship, or sometimes a call for help, or an attempt to end it. 

    If you hold this guilt and do not tell him, it could drive you to someone else -because you might feel like that is what you deserve.  It happened to me.

    Post # 112
    Member
    3521 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I asked Darling Husband what he’d want in that situation, and he said that if it was a one-time, isolated incident YEARS ago and you regret it (and it won’t happen again), it is kinder to keep it to yourself and get counseling. I’m of the same opinion–if those conditions were met, I would NOT want to know because the knowledge would fuck with me forever. I mean, what in the hell is your FH supposed to do with that? 

    Ask yourself what good would come of it. Not only would coming clean damage your relationship, but it would fill your FH with all sorts of ugly insecurities about the incident and why you decided to wait so damn long to tell him.

    I’m not condoning cheating or lying, but in some cases, it is kinder to NOT confess because of the massive damage it will do to your SO. 

    Post # 113
    Member
    3363 posts
    Sugar bee

    Oh darling … such a horrible situation.. I have been in a similar situation… hadnt slept with the other guy but I considered it cheating anyways… and I told him years later.. it broke our engagement… The thing is I really felt like it wasnt ME who did that… Like you, I felt like I was young, stupid and not in my normal state at all… Such a sticky situation.. 

    Some girls would definately want to tell, some girls would tell you to let it go. Everyone is right I think. My experience says dont tell him because it will devestate him.. My ex is still hurting about it 8 years later and I feel even worse for that scar in his life than for the mistake I made all those years ago. But I do have to admit that honesty is usually the best policy.. keep that in mind for everything you do dear. And learn from all this. 

    I guess what I’m trying to say is NOONE can judge you or your situation. No matter what, you are not a bad person and you whatever decision you make will not change that. 

    I will be praying for you dear 🙂 Let us know how everything goes! 

     

    Post # 114
    Member
    907 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    The truth will set you free. The truth will set you free. The truth will set you free. You know this.

    Post # 115
    Member
    1160 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Don’t tell. No point in having two people suffer over this.

    Post # 116
    Member
    280 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Woof, this is a tough one because I have been there, cheated on that is. And it SUCKS! But at the same time it was years ago… 

    this reminds me of the movie The Wedding Date with Debra Messing

    it has a good point about telling him before you get married to him. But… yikes, I just don’t know if it will really solve anything but your anxiety about it. I am sorry for being no help. Good luck. HUGS

    Post # 117
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    My Darling Husband and I agree on the following…you should tell him only if u are ready for him to end relationship. But if your not and can find a way to live with the guilt, then you should stay mum about it.

    Post # 118
    Member
    441 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I voted YES! If he really loves you and since it was that long ago, he will get over it, you might actually be surprised by his reaction! You don’t want your marriage to start off with lies do you? Think about if he cheated on you 4 years ago, would you like to know? I know I would.

    Post # 119
    Member
    347 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    If the roles were reversed would you wanna know? You already know the consequences of cheating is losing trust and possibly your fiance. There is no excuse to cheat regardless. You now grew a guilt trip for what you haven’t told him this long. Either tell him and be prepared to possibly lose him or learn to live with the guilt and go on about your business.

    Post # 120
    Member
    288 posts
    Helper bee

    So I only skimmed the comments, sorry in advance if what I suggest is a repeat of a pp.  Honesty and communication are 2 things relationships need to thrive. If it’s already making you feel guilty, then I suspect that feeling will only grow and eventually, the truth will come out. Whether that truth is from you or someone else is not guaranteed. Honestly, I would tell him, but I’m not you and neither is anyone else who has replied. No one can answer this for you, it is only something you can answer yourself. But, would you be willing to wake up everyday knowing he had once kept a big secret from you? Can you be happier than you are now? Would you be happier if you told him? These are the questions I would ask myself. Advice can be a great thing, but doing what someone else tells you to do can make you even more unhappy if it’s not what you want as well. Just be careful how you choose to handle all of this advice. Best of luck in your decision.

    Post # 121
    Member
    288 posts
    Helper bee

    So I only skimmed the comments, sorry in advance if what I suggest is a repeat of a pp.  Honesty and communication are 2 things relationships need to thrive. If it’s already making you feel guilty, then I suspect that feeling will only grow and eventually, the truth will come out. Whether that truth is from you or someone else is not guaranteed. Honestly, I would tell him, but I’m not you and neither is anyone else who has replied. No one can answer this for you, it is only something you can answer yourself. But, would you be willing to wake up everyday knowing he had once kept a big secret from you? Can you be happier than you are now? Would you be happier if you told him? These are the questions I would ask myself. Advice can be a great thing, but doing what someone else tells you to do can make you even more unhappy if it’s not what you want as well. Just be careful how you choose to handle all of this advice. Best of luck in your decision.

    The topic ‘Coming Clean to Fiancee… is there any point? (bit long..)’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors