"Coming first"

posted 6 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5961 posts
Bee Keeper

Def not what I thought this post would be about.

Post # 3
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Your family is your family. When they need you, you should be there to support them. I once quit a weekend side job I had because my mother was in the hospital and they still wanted me to come in. Sorry no, family comes first. 

No matter how long I’ve been friends with someone, I can’t imagine choosing them over my mother, brother, sister in law, fiancé, or future in laws. That is my main support system. Now if it’s an aunt that I barely talk to be my best friend, I would go to my best friend. 

Post # 4
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Aaaah, I thought your post was about something else… LOL

Now as to your question: whoever is dearest to my heart comes first. 

Post # 7
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

soexcited123 :  Im not even super close to my family, but I would say they come before friends to me.

I have friends that I’ve had for a decade, and I have friends that I thought would be a friend forever then we’ve fallen out or drifted apart.  Who knows what the future brings with them?

My family however, has been in my life my whole life.  They watched me grow up and now I’m watching the younger ones grow up.   

When “coming before” it would have to be on the same level.  So if I had a family member and friend having their wedding or other important event on the same day, I’d pick the family member’s.  

I would be more ready to help a family member with money, time or anything else they need, even if I know I’m probably not getting it back.  I am far more cautious about helping out friends. 

My family isn’t toxic or emeshed though so it would be incredibly rare that I would have to choose.  I do have toxic family members that I’ve cut out of my life; so just because your doesn’t automatically mean I see you as family.

Do you want to tell us more about your situation?

Post # 9
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

soexcited123 :  the toxic family members I cut out have always been toxic.  Every one knew and everyone cut them out. 

With the rest we can have disagreements and the like, but I know them in a way I don’t know anyone else.  I’ve known them my whole life and know they are good people.  I would never cut them out.

Post # 10
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

soexcited123 :  First, I think it generally applies to immediate family (husband, kids, parents, siblings, grandparents). If your close friend and aunt you never see are in the hospital at the same time, then yeah go see your friend first. And if you have a toxic family then this also doesn’t apply to you. It’s all case by case. But for me, I’ve canceled plans to help my mother or visit my neices and I’ve canceled things to make room for my boyfriend’s family’s events when it became evident that this was going to be my future husband and I wanted to get to know them. I’ve had close friends but never any that I’ve put before my family. And to be clear my family is pretty dysfunctional but we’ve all been there for each other. 

Post # 12
Member
4836 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

soexcited123 :   I just don’t get black and whites. Family is more than just blood or marriage relation it is who has been there for me unconditionally and that isn’t blood or marriage relation for everyone. I dont have any sisters and the friend I mentioned who I have been friends with for almost 20 years is truly the sister I never had 

Interesting, don’t you have a post ranting about your sister not picking you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, you felt she should pick you because of the family relationship rather than closeness. You felt sisters should come before friends…

 

Post # 13
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

soexcited123 :  I also think it comes down to most friends really are temporary. In my experience and most others I’ve encountered no matter how close you are to someone in high school, college, post college, pre kids / marriage and post kids / marriage, as you enter new life phases and move you drift apart. Very few people speak to friends they met as kids or even 10 years ago. But for me, no matter how much I change or move my family calls me weekly and to see how I’m doing. And its great if you have a friend from 10 years ago you still see weekly but for the majority of people, they dont. 

Post # 14
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

zzar45 :  lol maaaybe . . . what happened then changed her mind about always putting family members first? 

Post # 15
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee

Excluding toxic family relationships or abuse etc, I think the key difference is family, close or not, will always be in your life no matter how old and where you are. And for me, they literally share the ups and downs in my life. It’s an unbreakable bond. Immediate family that is.

Whereas friends grow close and apart over time. They’re there to listen and help for sure, but at the end of the day, they go home and live their own lives no matter how good or bad yours is, and vice versa, your lives are not shared as such. 

Of course if you’re comparing a scenario where a good friend, my parents and a distant relative are all in the hospitals at the same time, the ranking would be my parents first, the friends then distant relatives.

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