"Coming first"

posted 6 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

I am beyond confused…you say you don’t have a sister yet have a post about how your sister never asked you to be her bridesmaid. In that particular post you said that family should come first and it was actually you who said ”’friends come and go but family lasts forever’….so it’s like this new post is only arguing with yourself. You have posted a few posts about this exact same topic….has something happened to make you quite obsessed about this topic? Because being honest this is something I don’t even think about. Both friends and family are important to me and there are very very few times I have to choose between them. Usually it depends what is happening. In Jan I was on my way to see my parents when my best friend called saying her sister had had a still birth. I cancelled seeing my parents and dropped everything for her. Does that mean I was putting her before my parents? In that moment yes, she needed me more and I wanted to be there for her. If the tables were turned and I had plans to see friends and there was a family emergency I would also cancel seeing my friends. It is possible to be there for everyone you care about – usuallysomeone will need your support for a moment in time more than other people. In that moment that person is my priority. 

Post # 17
Member
5752 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I don’t think family automatically comes first, nor should they. I do think it’s important to be clear about which people are a priority and take precedence for you and to be able to discern when you need to make adjustments. Sometimes, that will be family, sometimes it will be friends; your own happiness and well being should be on that list as well. And the rankings will change with age and relationship and circumstance, too.

Post # 18
Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

“I find the concept of ranking people in our lives strange. Like why should we rank the order of importance of people in ourlives?”  

Reading your posts it seems you invented the concept. You’re the one always ranking someone vs someone.

Post # 19
Member
1005 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

My husband always comes first. 

Post # 20
Member
4112 posts
Honey bee

You seem to be very literal and concrete thinker and like other pointed out obsessed with being first or ranking people.  If you are not already seeking counseling, it may be time as you post obsessively on variations of the same coupe of topics.

You are literally the only person I have ever heard take “family comes first” both literally and pitting people against each other.  The only time I’ve heard people use that phrase is when they are making choices that affect their family or may be somewhat selfish.  Like I have the opportunity to work overtime this weekend, but it’s also my mom’s birthday…Family comes first.  I have a job opportunity but it would require me to travel two weeks every month and be away from my SO…Family comes first.  I really want to buy season tickets for our football team, but little Jimmy needs braces…Family comes first.  It’s just decision making through the lens of prioritizing the people you care about instead of yourself or other potential areas in your life (like prioritizing family over career) – not literally ranking people.

Family is who you make it.  Sometimes you have to prioritize things in life.  Welcome to adulthood.  But I don’t know a single person who sits there creating hierarchies of people just for kicks.  

Post # 21
Member
2307 posts
Buzzing bee

In my works, family doesn’t always mean “blood relation.”  My friends mean as much, if not more than my blood family.

Post # 22
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

Uh – unless you marry a family member, the only way someone becomes family is by being involved in a friendship situation. 

Post # 23
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

The concept of who comes first in one’s life is actually one I care about because it should have been a massive red flag in a previous relationship. My then-boyfriend divorced his wife but they saw each other regularly, not just because of the children but because of – as he phrased it – the friendship they still had. That was something I personally saw as positive: breaking up and not hating each other. But there were several instances when he put her, his ex-wife before me: she wanted to go on holiday. Without the kids. He went with her, meaning he had no free days left to spend with me. I was never allowed to spend Christmas with him and the kids, even though the kids said it was ok. He wanted his ex-wife to be there. And then I broke my foot in a city where I knew hardly anybody. I literally called him from the ER. He first refused to pick up the phone – because he was spending time with this ex-wife and he was really cross when I tried to reach him multiple times. I had to ask my MOTHER to come pick me up because he just wouldn’t. 

Especially in the last situation, he should have put me first. 

In my life, I tend to look at who needs me most. If I’ve agreed to go out to dinner with my husband but a friend calls me in tears because she needs me, I ask him to reschedule because we can go to dinner literally any other evening. If he’s unwell at work and I’m hanging out with friends, I’ll obviously pick him up. When my sister asked me to spend the last week of her pregnancy with her to help out, I cancelled going to a very close friend’s 30th birthday party.

I don’t think blood relationship plays much of a role for me, simply because since I moved out, my friends have been the ones to support me, help me out and cheer me up. They are the family I chose and who chose me.

Post # 24
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

For me family is not only blood but also whoever cared about you the most, who raised you, who’s been there for you when you needed. I had a close relationship with my mom growing up and not so much with my father, these roles seem to be reversed a little bit at the moment. However, if anything happens to them I’m here and will be as much as I can. Same goes with siblings. However, the more the family extends the more people there are that are closer to a certain family member.

Say, my aunt needs help, if that’s a general help I’d expect my cousins to take care of it first. In that case some other people or job may come first.  

With marriage though, your family extends and it’s you and your little family that comes first in that case. Parents and siblings from both sides would come second to maybe my child (not that I’m married yet nor have a child haha).

I wouldn’t miss an uncle’s funeral for the best friend’s wedding iykwim. It’s all relative who you care about the most I guess. For me, friends and even best friends come and go. I don’t feel like anyone is irreplacable. 

Post # 25
Member
4763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My mother is mentally ill and loves pitting my sisters and me against each other. She picks on the weakest link (the one who is currently talking to her) and turns them against the others.

It’s disgusting.

Whenever she starts her bull crap, all that matters to me is “how do I get out of this with my relationships with my sisters intact?”

They are all my family, but my sisters come before my mother. It took a long time to form my relationships with them, and I will fight for those relationships. There are no black and whites in life. People and relationships are complex

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