Coming out again

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1823 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t have any personal experience with this, but I would try going to the PFLAG and other LGBTQ support organization websites…. I’m sure there are some good resources there on how to come out to people close to you who may not be supportive. I wouldn’t get too hung up on your age – even if it’s advice for teenagers, it’d still be relevant  

You sound so brave! I’m glad you’re going to take the plunge to be honest with your mom. And congratulations on your happy relationship ❤️ Good luck!!

Post # 3
Member
6428 posts
Bee Keeper

I used to put off things that scared me, worried me, or stressed me out. If I could postpone a difficult conversation or situation until tomorrow or next week or next month, I would. Just to avoid the anxiety of having to deal with it today. It took me a long time to realize that I was actually adding to my stress by prolonging it….spending so much time worrying over that looming issue or conversation or situation. I was my own worst enemy. So I literally, to quote Seinfeld here, started doing the opposite of my natural inclinations. I would force myself to deal with something immediately rather than forestalling it. And honestly, it is soooo much better, 1000% better, than letting the stress of procrastination eat away at you. Even if the outcome isn’t favourable- at least you can start dealing with it and handling it, not just wringing your hands waiting to deal with it (a horrible experience I put myself through far too often). 

Please, whatever you do, don’t let your girlfriend be your ‘dirty little secret’. She loves you and wants to share your life with you- let that be your focus. You’ve already come out to your mom so no need to do that again, but don’t come to her like you’re sharing a guilty confession, come to her matter of factly, as in ‘this is how it is, I hope you’ll be happy for me’ You and your girlfriend are going on a vacation, you’re in a loving relationship. Period. It’s not up for debate. When you say she has gay friends but doesn’t accept you being gay, this reminds of me of Chaz Bono when he came out to his mom Cher as a transman…..she had tons of LGBTQ friends but hypocritically (sorry, but it’s very hypocritical) had trouble accepting her son as he is. He stood true to himself and eventually she came around and I think, even though your situation is different, this can still inspire you to stay strong. 

I also think that your intuitiveness re your relationship with your mom growing up is spot on. It likely has been more symbiotic than the typical mom-daughter relationship and it also sounds as though your mom has put too much pressure on you, relies too heavily on you. I think you need to slowly back away from this dynamic…..by all means, still be a loving daughter to her. But she needs to accept you and your girlfriend. And you need to put yourself and your relationship first, as a grown adult, and not let your mom guilt you for spreading your wings. I sense she’d be overbearing and clingy with you even if your relationship was heterosexual, she’s gotten too used to it being ‘just the two of you against the world’ that any partner you brought into your life would be viewed as an intrusion, so this is also one more reason to start extricating yourself from her too-tight grip. 

Post # 4
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

first off, big hugs – what a horrible situation to be in x

I agfree with pp and your therapist – this is your mother’s issue not yours, and you are not responsible for her opinions and feelings.

You don’t need to come out again – she already knows you’re gay, even if she chooses to be closed off about it.  I would just tell her you met a great girl, its serious etc etc, then leave it up to her wether she can get over herself and be happy for you that you’ve found a loving relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

almostthere86 :  “choose the straight life” like it’s a multiple choice question. Select c for the straight life almostthere86! I’m sorry you’re going through this. She will come around eventually but it may take a long time. Follow your heart and be happy <3

Post # 6
Member
3821 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I haven’t been through this, so maybe I’m way off base, but maybe it would help if you just….don’t make it a big deal?

That’s not to downplay your relationship, but maybe instead of sitting her down and “coming out again” you just, start dropping your girlfriend into conversation? Like “oh this weekend my girlfriend Jane and I are going to the movies, and the market”, “My girlfriend Jane and I booked a trip toXXXX” “Jane and I are going to move in together in January, so we’ve started scoping out places”etc. Then it might not feel so monumental and scary for you, and you’re not really giving her the chance to have some big reaction. Does that make sense? 

Post # 7
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

I’ve been through this, luckilu my mum got over it within a year or so, but it broke my heart how she reacted when I first came out.

The first thing I would say is that I strongly agree with the theraptisy in that you need to try and stop feeling guilty or responsible for your mum’s feelings in regards to you being gay. She has chosen to not accept who you are, and can choose to accept you and be happy for you if she wishes to. There’s nothing you’ve done that you should feel guilty for, she is responsible for her own feelings, she is the one who should feel guilty not you. 

In not accepting your sexuality she is being 100% selfish, she may try to play it off as concern or that she refuses to believe you’re really gay (that was my mum), but essentially she is wanting you to be someone you’re not to suit her. I think this is soooo important to understand because for a long time after I came out I carried this guilt that I was letting my mum down and disappointing her, which looking back is crazy, but that’s how I was made to feel. I hid who I was for so long and I was ashamed of that part of me so I naturally just accepted that it was my fault she felt this way, that she was being reasonable and it was me who was wanting too much. How bad is that that I thought wanting my mother to accept my sexuality was asking too much?

Anyway, the thing is you have come out to her already so you do not need to do it again. I would just inform her that you have met someone (who is a woman) and you’re very happy with her. If she tries to guilt you again or refuses to accept it then I would be firm with her and reiterate that sexuality is not a choice, it’s who you are and she can either accept that and be happy for you or she can continue to live in denial and destroy your relationship (with her not your GF).

I personally believe you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who cannot fully accept you, my relationship with my mum has been damaged to some degree probably permanently because of how she reacted when I came out even though she has since apologised and does accept me now. So if she does not accept you then only you can decide how you wish to continue. However, I would make it clear to her that you being gay is who you are and you will not apologise for it, that she is hurting you by not accepting that and you will not hide who you are to suit others.

Do not allow her to continue to guilt you into hiding who you are to make her comfortable. You’re a grown woman and you should be proud to be gay, she’s the one who should be ashamed. Feel free to PM me anytime xx 

Post # 9
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

almostthere86 :  

You’re not the one hurting her though, she is choosing to be hurt over this because of her own prejudice. There is no reason at all why you being gay or having a girlfriend should hurt her. Being gay is not something terrible we should hope people can look past or forgive. It’s not a character flaw, it’s who we are. Just as she is straight and that’s who she is, you are gay and that’s who you are.

I think you need to look at this from another angle, like what about how she is hurting you? She is making you feel as though your sexuality is something bad that needs to be hidden. If you keep looking at it from the position of not wanting to hurt her or upset her etc. then that reinforces it to you (and her) that her view of gay=wrong/bad is right and that she is justified in reacting this way. This is a very unhealthy view to have as a gay person, trust me I used to have this mindset, that me being gay is bad and I’m letting others down and I hope that they can look past it etc.

This mindset really really messes you up and it actually justifies other people’s homophobia as it’s obvious to them you feel that way. If you behave like you’ve done something wrong when coming out to people then that justifies to them even more that being gay is wrong. You don’t need to confess or apologise for having a gf or being gay no matter how bad she makes you feel for “hurting her”. 

Post # 10
Member
638 posts
Busy bee

First of all, I would recommend listening to the Savage Love podcast or reading Dan Savage’s blog https://www.thestranger.com/authors/259/dan-savage. Basically his advice is to always put your partner first. The only leverage you have with your family is your presence. If they can’t accept your and your partner then you need to remove your presence from them. Eventually they will miss you and come around to acceptance. That’s his advice in a nutshell. I wish you luck, I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for you. Stay strong and follow your heart. 

Post # 12
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

almostthere86 :  

I totally understand as I did the same thing, I even let my mum push me into saying I was bi and that I still wanted to be with men (I am absolutely not bi ha ha). I think most gay people go through this with someone when they first come out though, my Fiance did when she was 15, her Mum basically told her she wasn’t gay as she was “too pretty” and pushed her right back into the closet until her mid twenties. 

Coming out can be a really difficult process and make us feel very vulnerable and as such open to manipulation. I came out 5/6 years ago and I’m a completely different person now, I used to be ashamed and embarrassed of being gay, people used say openly homophobic things to me and I used to say they were fine to think or say that. Example, a girl I worked with told me her bf thought it was weird to see me and my Girlfriend kiss on a night out and he really didn’t want to see it, that “he’s fine with gay people but just doesn’t wanna see anything “gay””and I was like fair enough maybe we shouldn’t have kissed in front of him! Like honestly I wish I could go back and kick myself and be like stand up for yourself! Now I’m completely different and I would obviously stand up for myself if anyone said that, I really love being gay and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Don’t blame yourself for giving her the power because I think most of us have done that at some point. 

Post # 14
Member
6428 posts
Bee Keeper

 ariesscientist :  This x 1000. 

You’re not hurting your mom OP, SHE is hurting YOU. 

re “this mindset really messes you up and justifies other people’s homophobia” 

Exactly. You have done absolutely nothing wrong to feel bad about OP, if your mom makes you feel bad for being you, that is her homophobia hurting you. 

IA, don’t beat yourself up for giving her this power, just move forward by taking steps to reclaim your power. 

And of course it pisses you off that she relies on you for stuff but won’t accept you- frankly this should piss you off and I’d be more worried about you if it didn’t. She should be having you and your girlfriend over for dinner and welcoming her, not treating you like her errand girl and wanting to deny the existence of your girlfriend. ffs. 

Post # 15
Member
6428 posts
Bee Keeper

Also, your mom sounds overly- reliant on you in general, expecting you to come running every time she needs something, has something to be fixed or taken care of or an errand to run, this sounds just too much under any circumstances, you shouldn’t be at her beck and call regardless of any other issues. Is she disabled or simply overly dependent on you for all manner of stuff? 

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