(Closed) Coming to terms with never having another baby

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 136
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

BalletParker :  You said I was in high school and implied I know nothing. So that’s I responded to you.

Then I put in an example of my experience, including what my parents said, so I used quotation marks. And then I thanked you for being soooo understanding.

Clear now?

Post # 137
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

thegirlwithoutapearlearring :  No offense, but I feel like you’re projecting some issues into this thread. I feel like the wall is in you.   i think we all can agree that Gootey Bootey as the OP is a stand-up person who is dealing with personal pain as a result of her illness and her personal struggle with whether or not she can carry another child safely and responsibly. i think we can also all agree that it is a dangerous slope to start calling people “inferior” and say they should not be procreating. Also that if that’s not what was meant the polite and reasonable thing to do would be to apologize for the hurtful words.  And as a third thing that is quite evident to me and many others in this post, there is a huge amount of knowledge that is lacking in our society as a whole about what mental illness is and what mentally ill people look like.  Fourth, the fact that the idea “people shouldn’t have kids if they are mentally ill/inferior/insert justification here” has in the not so distant past lead to horrible violations of human rights. It was less than 30 years ago in my province that indigenous women were sterilized without their consent. It’s horribly racist and steeped in stereotypes like those shown by some of the posters in this thread.

Post # 138
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

babeba :  Another poster mentioned the whole inferiority thing and such. I didn’t agree with any of that.

And I wasn’t trying to derail. I wanted to give one possible viewpoint of someone who was raised in that kind of household and what that was like.

But as I said in Post #19 (Page 2):

I think OP should be commended for her decision. And if she does choose to have any more kids, then just to be aware that it carries more responsibility, which she seems to realize anyway.

Post # 139
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

thegirlwithoutapearlearring :  The site took out my paragraphs, sorry. First two sentences are the ones I was replying to you with, the four points are ones I hope everyone can agree with. At least the first two (that gootey is being stand-up human being and calling other people names and implying they are lesser is rude) I hope everyone can get on board with.

The last two (lots of people don’t know wtf they’re talking about with mental illness and there’s a historical precedent that opinions about other people’s fitness for children has, indeed, lead to forced sterilization) I suspect fewer people will agree with.

i think you probably fall in the same category as me: from the outside we’re gold-star “cream of the human race successfulness.” How many people can get through a Ph.D? That takes not just smarts but dedication. Good for you. I mean that. However, on the inside, we’re a lot more flawed and vulnerable.

I don’t think anyone else should be allowed to even have a fucking opinion on our fitness for parenthood.

Post # 141
Member
11651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Nevermind, what @babeba said. Well done girl.

 

Post # 142
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

BalletParker :  edit: nvm, bae! You changed it. ❤

 

Like I said, I don’t think anyone else has any right to shove their nose or opinions into anyone else’s vagina. If a person decides to get pregnant, I trust they made the right decision for themselves and their future offspring. It’s impossible to know what that’s like on the inside. If they come to the (often hard) decision that they shouldn’t have children, I’m a throw them as much of a party. That’s entirely their right or decision.

i also am of the belief that people who judge other people for their mental health fall into one of two categories (or both):

a) huge assholes

b) living in blissful ignorance of what mental health actually is on a day to day level.

one of those can be fixed. The other is, ironically, a personality disorder.

Post # 143
Member
11651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

babeba : Haha girl now I edited mine too! I hope you’re doing well!! 💙🐝💃🏼

you did a great job explaining what they should be teaching in high school history. It’s so disturbing that people don’t know these things. What is to become of us all! 

It’s about living in a free society and protecting democracies ffs. We can’t start ordering who is “good enough” to love or procreate or vote or get married for what seemed to me to be obvious reasons, but clearly are not. 

 

Post # 144
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

BalletParker :  d’aww!! I want to answer on here rather than moving it to PM because I hope it will help give readers insight on what living with mental illness is like (this thread is OT anyway, and Gootey just talked about the fears not the everyday part).

Feel free to skip past this post if you don’t care, everyone else but Bridal Party. 🙂

I’m doing pretty awesome right now! I’ve not been on the ‘bee for a while because I had a bad couple of months. Partly through a mixup with my doctor where he forgot one of my prescriptions that helps counteract another prescription that leads to me being more likely to have suicidal urges (oops). Second mixup is that he was going on vacation and by the time I decided to get pushy about the prescription and book another appointment, he was booked up for a month. I ended up self harming a lot (my husband gained a few more white hairs, poor man) and went to the hospital to get my prescription because I couldn’t wait for the appointment I had. (The walk-in clinic doesn’t open till the evening here and I knew once I went home I wouldn’t be getting back out even though I needed this. Thanks, depression. You suck balls.) the trauma nurse was… not well trained, shall we say, and made me cry and feel horrible about myself, but the doctor gave me what I needed. My therapist was horrified at some of the things the nurse said, and suggested I report her and complain. I just don’t have the energy right now, TBH.

I’m working hard at prioritizing my self care. I’ve dropped the number of hours I’m working because I’ve realized I’m more efficient and get more done if I’m not stuck to a full work week. My workplace is amazing about being respectful of us as people as well as workers and supports it. It’s helped me be more supportive of my coworkers too, because all of us have stress and we know it. I’m so lucky to be in a place where a couple hundred bucks less a paycheque isn’t going to break us and I can do that.

But one of the most awesome things is that my husband’s benefits provider had a health fair, and through that I found some other therapy techniques that should REALLY help my PTSD. I can’t even begin to say how excited I am in hoping it will work and it will help! It was being in the right place at the right time, really. I start on Tuesday for the rest of the summer.

As of right now, I probably should have a shower and shave my legs (it’s been a week since I shaved, whoops! Haven’t given a fuck). I don’t think anyone noticed I threw my hair in a messy bun because it was easier than brushing it this morning. I think I’ve done enough to make myself pass as functioning on the personal hygiene department? Lol. But honestly, I’ve prioritized things that give me positive, renewing emotion and personal strength to fill my gas tank and that’s important, too. I’m so glad I’m at a point where I have the energy to do that instead of falling into a spiral of depression and anxiety like I was a month ago. Gotta keep it up and drink lots of water – it helps flush out stress hormone (cortisol) and keep your brain chemistry as balanced as possible.

This weekend we’ll work on getting our house tidy because that fills Hubby’s gas tank, and working on a project I’ve decided to do as art therapy. I’ve got a mani/pedi booked with a friend for next weekend because it’s self indulgent self care. 🙂 also having things to look forward to is awesome to do!

Post # 145
Member
11651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

babeba :  aw girl you’re amazing to share 🙂

I’m so sorry you’re going through that with the meds- how scary. It’s so hard to get the right mix, trial and error but with such high stakes. It sounds like endless energy to deal with something that already zaps your energy. That nurse 👿Wtf!!  dealing with people’s lives, not something to be inept about grrr. But I totally understand why you don’t have the energy – not your job to fix everyone. 

Your man sounds so supportive, that must make a big difference I can’t imagine going through that without someone on your side to advocate when you can’t. 

I can definitely relate to some of what you’re talking about as my dad suffered major depression, though he self medicated and that didn’t work out very well. I really respect how hard you’re working to manage it and take care of yourself. 

I didn’t realize that about water…  I can definitely use flushing cortisol, especially since November cough cough.

Wish I could join you for mani pedi with side of shortbread and coffee:-)😍

 

Post # 146
Member
3291 posts
Sugar bee

I see Nifer vacated the building. Probably a smart choice.

Post # 147
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

PorcelainBelle :  if she really didn’t mean to call us all inferior, she’d sincerely apologize. And clarify. I’m sorry she’s too special a snowflake to have a serious conversation with people who don’t agree with her.

Post # 149
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

BalletParker :  yep! I found a good one as a life partner!

he doesn’t always understand, and that’s ok. Sometimes his way of dealing makes me want to throw things (like, when I’m in the middle of a panic attack due to PTSD flashbacks isn’t the time to tell me it isn’t logical. I fucking know that, honey. That’s why it isn’t called a logic attack.) But he tries his best and that’s all a body can ask. 

It takes a lot to realize you’re at your limit and get help. I’m sorry your dad ended up self medicating. we’re taught all the time that as adults we have to always have it all figured out, especially as parents. I think a group is always smarter and more knowledgeable than an individual so I’m not too proud to get others to help me – but I know that’s a newer attitude than the generation that thought you had to know it all, be the authority and never show weakness. I’m so glad to live in a time and a place where there are people around who can help me be better, in everything from my mental state to doing art or inspiring me with beautiful things or intelligent things on boards like this.

Also, OMG coffee and shortbread. 😍 Is it Christmas yet?

 

edit: I’m also glad that I live in a time and a place where a disagreement on the internet, stays on the internet. And I’m kind of sad that Nifer can’t come back and play nicely.

Post # 150
Member
8317 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

GooteyBootey : 

Thank you so much for your moving , lucid and thought provoking post ( the thread derailment is unfortunate, though  an important  topic but I wont go there  because I wanted to respond to you and  your particular  pain )

I just wanted to say that I empathise very fully with you – only in my case the reason for not     having another child , but  having no child at all,  was physical  rather than mental. I lost the only child I ever conceived or was able to conceive. The pain IS  managable  in the end, don’t berate yourself  for feeling it or try to hide or deny it .

 The  decision not to  have or try for a child or another child, whether voluntary, or as in my case,  involuntary,  is real and profound but you  WILL live through it and live well.  . 

You have  your lovely daughter and I deeply envy you that,  as you will  no doubt envy women with several children , but envy need not be a ongoing  or corrosive thing if you can  just get to recognise and accept it. Nobody has everything they want after all , and you do have your daughter   and your husband , whose lives  will be enhanced  by what I think will be your  courageous decision  to not have another child.

Let the tears flow when they will, allow yoursef to feel envy or anger , and then let it pass.  Each time will  get a little less sharp.  

The very, very best  of all possible luck  and regards to you dear OP .

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