(Closed) Coming to terms with never having another baby

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 76
Member
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

PorcelainBelle :  I agree. I was simply sharing my opinion. Not saying it should be a law or anything. That’s ridiculous to imagine. 

I just feel more people should the potential quality of life/upbringing of the future baby as the top priority. Many just fulfill their urge to have a baby because it’s their right and they can. I just don’t always think it’s for the best. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.  

slomotion :  perfectly said. I should’ve just said that. 

Post # 77
Member
3114 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

camenae :  Because the government deciding what you can do with your body is different than deciding who can adopt a child that is already born. 

I can’t believe how many people in here are in support of eugenics. It’s terrifying, truly. 

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this, only you can know if you are well enough to go through another pregnancy and raise another child and making the choice not to is very tough and selfless. 

Post # 78
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

is_a_belle :  OP this is great advice! I feel that my advice is limited bc I don’t have children myself. When I do I’ll be considered at an “advanced maternal age” and my healthcare requires me to go to genetic counseling. There are many that would say I shouldn’t have children at this age because of potential complications. But you know what its not their business its mine. I am sorry that you got bombarded here with hateful things. I hope you are doing well and can find the real advice that’s in here.

 

Post # 79
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

OP, I am so sorry. I’m sorry you have a strong desire for another child and have decided that it is not in the best interest of your family and your well-being. I’m sorry your thread has turned into what it is, because being in a vulnerable state with a mental illness can make it very difficult to tune out some of the hurtful things that were said here. You came here for support, and I hope you feel like you’re getting some of that. Please ignore everything else and don’t let it get to you. You are being a great mom, making the decision that you’re making. That is proof enough that you were meant to be a parent. You are thinking of your daughter and hypothetical future child and putting their needs and wants above your own. Try to let that provide some comfort and closure, and continue to have an open dialogue with your husband so you can vent your feelings and get his support.

Guys, I’m not going to involve myself in the debate but surely even people who have never suffered from a mental illness can see how hurtful some of these words can be to the OP, who is already suffering? Maybe it’s best to move on…

Post # 80
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

nifer317 :  I agree with you (based on the OP’s post and what she went through and keeps going through with her mental illness) although it’s not politically correct to say. But there is no way I consider the OP inferior (or anyone for that matter) because of mental illness so that’s where you lost me.

Post # 81
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

OP – I feel for you. Everyone has their struggles, and simply because you can choose whether or not to have a child doesn’t make it any less agonizing for you. I really hope you don’t believe that you are “too mentally ill” to have children. It sounds like your daughter is well-adjusted, loved, and loving.  We all have to do what’s best for us and our families in our circumstances using the information we have at that time.  That doesn’t make the decision any less gut-wrenching.  Sending you peace and healing vibes.

Post # 82
Member
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Butterfly6:  at face value I don’t agree with that part of what I said earlier. It was different in my head, but on paper didn’t come out quite right. And I didn’t explain myself well after that either. 

Discussions in person are so much easier. 

Post # 83
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

nifer317 :  I thought I understood where you were coming from with your first comment and agreed with you on some of your points. There are certain hereditary conditions that I would never want to pass on to my children. I opted for preconception genetic testing so I could make informed reproductive choices  

But this follow up- seriously?!? Sorry to inform you that you don’t “think differently” and what you are describing is not just your “personal opinion.” You are literally advocating eugenics, which has a very sick and twisted history- including in Nazi Germany  

Sansa85 :  I just think differently. As an intelligent race, I think we should always be in the mindset of advancing the human race. I simply believe procreation should be avoided if the progeny will have a high probability of being inferior. Requiring lots of therapy and medication, to me, is an inferior being. I think since we have the intelligence to potentially control and eliminate such things, we should. Making the decisions to advance our species is the proper and responsible thing to do. All my personal opinion.”


Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/coming-to-terms-with-never-having-another-baby/#ixzz4k5knqo9b

Post # 84
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

OP – I feel for you I truly do. My mom is BI-Polar and I had a very rough childhood. She is either extremely high functioning or incapable of caring for herself. In the last 15+ years she’s been excellent but she also no longer has to care for her children’s well-being. My parents eventually divorced (I do not think my Dad understand mental illness when they were married)…but he stepped up big time and lots of other adults in my life. I do wish my mom would have explained better to me her mental illness as a child, I always felt like it was my fault she would shut me out. It’s also pretty scary visiting your mom in a psychiatrist hospital but I am glad she would allow me visits (she was only hospitalized a few times in my childhood) because I would miss her terribly. The good news is your daughter will likely grow up with a level of empathy that others won’t. I am a child advocate in my job now and work with politicians to better the lives of children. I know I wouldn’t be there without the experiences I had as a child.

Post # 85
Member
746 posts
Busy bee

nifer317 :  “I simply believe procreation should be avoided if the progeny will have a high probability of being inferior. Requiring lots of therapy and medication, to me, is an inferior being. I think since we have the intelligence to potentially control and eliminate such things, we should. Making the decisions to advance our species is the proper and responsible thing to do. All my personal opinion.”

So according to your logic, a baby with a congenital heart defect should have been aborted because it will be “inferior” and require therapy and medication? Or a baby with Down Syndrome?

What you are describing is eugenics…plain and simple.

Post # 86
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

nifer317 :  “Well I never said I was perfect. 😉 Perhaps my word choice here was inferior. But people are getting a little too tied up here emotionally. None of this is personal. I just used the word inferior when it comes to health”

Have you been screened for genetic disorders &  hereditary cancers? If not, you could be in for a shock. Many people who by all appearances are in “perfect health” at carriers of genetic diseases. Ironically, you might be “inferior” and not even know it. 

Post # 87
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

maebae :  “I think more people agree than are willing to post about it.  I think the OP may even agree.”

An idea or opinion can be popular and still be morally wrong and dangerous. It amazes me that in this day and age people don’t realize how dangerous the idea of preventing “inferior” people from procreating in order to breed a master race is! 

What standards would be used to determine if someone is entitled to reproduce? Some people might consider anyone with a family history of cancer to be “inferior” and not suited to having children. Others might think people who make <$40k and live in a trailer shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. It’s a dangerous, slippery slope. 

Post # 88
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

nifer317 :  “Like – if a friend of mine has HIV. She is a lovely person and I value her life and friendship. I don’t think she’s deplorable or an unworthy human being by any means. But I do think her DNA/genes are inferior and she should not pass that on to a baby.”

Alright, now I feel like I was being to hard on you. Maybe you were coming from a place of ignorance/misinformation, not malice. HIV is NOT a genetic condition. It has nothing to do with your DNA.  It’s a virus. Also, with proper medication & clinical management, the risk of mother -> child HIV transmission is now <1% 

Post # 89
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

maebae :  Well, if we’re going to start talking about who should and should not be procreating, I will say that your i-am-choosing-to-live-in-near-poverty-to-live-out-my-stay-at-home-mom-fantasy-and-dont-believe-that-college-is-important butt would not qualify.

You may be “rich in the ways that count” (whatever that means for you), but you are clearly not intelligent enough, not in my book anyway.

Post # 90
Member
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

WestCoastV :  I agree it’s a horrible idea. I wasn’t talking about some kind of master breed. I wasn’t saying it should be controlled by someone high up. Was simply saying that for people with severe hereditary conditions that degrade the quality of life severely – why pass those on if they can help it? And of course that’s up to the person to decide and no one else. Of course I don’t feel I can or should ever force or enforce my opinion onto someone. I just think that person’s strong desire to have a baby is not the top priority when deciding to have a baby. A lot more consoderarion should be put into it.  

Already said my example with HIV was a poor example. At least a few times I said that… 

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