(Closed) Coming up on 4 years and the resentment is setting in from waiting – thoughts?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
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  • Post # 16
    Member
    825 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

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    ljm308 :  I agree. They should be on the same page in terms of what they want in the relationship, and if he does not want to marry her and that’s the committment she wants, she needs to consider leaving. No one is suggesting she waits another 4 years. I never said that anything was ‘ok’ and that he would ‘change’, just that considering all these major changes (school, buying a house, moving in, having 2 dogs as well as her child from another partner in the mix) under four years is not a long time. It is unhealthy to be so obsessed with becoming engaged. She is saying she loves this man but doesn’t think she can even give him another year to propose. I just wonder why this is – it seems OTT unless he is actually stringing her along. Then she needs to make some hard decisions and probably leave. She shouldn’t have to feel like he doesn’t love her enough to marry her, this is terrible.  I definitely think they should have a very serious and honest conversation about what they want for their future, and this would be a better approach than losing it when others get engaged, listening to friends’ opinions and shutting down or crying after sex. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    310 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

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    bbb1991 :  Oh honey. I want to hug you because I know how much it hurts, and I know how that resentment and hurt builds up. It is tough to see people who’ve been together less time get engaged, married, and start families while you wait and continue to feel inadequate.

    I know you say you want him to ask on his own will, which I completely get. I think what many of us need to realize is that men are much more passive than we are. You may have to really assert yourself. If you don’t, you risk waiting for a “someday” that may never come, or leaving him if your internal timeline comes and goes. If this man is worth it to you, then you need to have a really serious talk with him.

    Post # 18
    Member
    9756 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    He doesn’t want to be married, at least not anytime in the near forseeable future. Now, its up to you to decide if your want for marriage is stronger than your want for the life you have with him.

    Post # 19
    Member
    5648 posts
    Bee Keeper

    26 still seems so young to me. I’d be saying cut your losses and go. But the fact you have a son does make a difference I think, although I appreciate he isn’t your partners child. 

    In the first instance I’m more concerned about you protecting your assests. You’ve been paying into a home and household but you don’t jointly own the house. If you haven’t already id urge you to find out your rights on the property and your investment so far. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    7972 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    i would try to have a calm but serious conversation with him one more time and try to get on the same page.  don’t acuse but let him know how you feel and how important marriage is to you.  you see a future together and if he doesn’t want that level of committment then this isn’t the right relationship for you and him.

     

    and i agree with PP, you seem to have invested a lot into the house.  i would contact a lawyer and see (if you do walk) if you are entitled to any form of compensation.  in my state you would be after a certain amount of time of living together.

    Post # 21
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee

    Few things:

     

    1- I don’t care what anyone tells you, 2 years is TOO soon to get married. Sure, it works for a very few people, but it doesnt work for majority of the people, hence the divorce rate being so high.

    2- WHY (WHY,WHY,WHY!!)would you pay for HIS mortgage when your name is NOT even on the deed?

    3- Just because he hasn’t proposed to you by now, it doesn’t mean he is never going to propose to you, unless he is a JERK (which, kind of makes me think he is, because he’s accepting your payment towards HIS mortgage… there was a talk about my fiance buying a house before we got engaged, and he told me that i wouldn’t have to pay anything towards the mortgage, all i had to do, was help out with the food shopping)

    4- My fiance was terrified of “marriage talk” for a very ling time, and it was understandable, because he comes from a divorced family. This is NOT to say that i was not concerned, because i was…. and i cried once, when the girl we both knew got engaged within six months of dating the guy. And guess what? my fiance didnt propose for ANOTHER 2-3 years from the time i cried. I think men just do things on their own terms. My fiance also told me that he wanted it to be a complete surprise AND it was. He proposed on our 5th anniversary and it was beautiful. I am actually happy he waited.

     

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

    Post # 22
    Member
    669 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    I was/am in the same boat as you. We will be together 4 years next month. I have an 11 year old daughter who calls him dad, we’ve lived together for 3.5 years, etc. We also had a lot of vague convos, he wasn’t ready, I was, someday it will happen, etc. I felt panicky and impatent/resentful because I didn’t really know what he was thinking, what the plan was, etc. and he felt pressured because I kept bringing it up because I wasn’t really getting a clear answer. Finally last summer (been together 3 years at that point) we sat down and had a serious, to the point talk. No dancing around, nothing vague, just direct questions with direct answers. It helped immensely and was exactly what I needed to feel at peace with the situation.

    He said he needed to be absolutely sure this was right for him. I was hurt because in my mind I was thinking (and also voiced to him) “we live together, we’re raising our kids together, we bought a boat together, we have a life together. how can you NOT BE SURE?!” He said he didn’t know but he just needed more time. I told him he had until our 5 year anniversary. If he still wasn’t SURE after 5 years, I was leaving. I didn’t/don’t doubt his love for me, but I needed marriage and that ultimate commitment, and I deserved to be with someone who was 150% sure. He agreed/understood. The last year of our relationship has been the best one yet and I know a proposal is coming. The soft plan is to get married on our 5 year anniversary.

    Perhaps a conversation similar to mine would be helpful so you can get the direct answers you need from him and be on the same page with both of your wants and expectations of the relationship and future. If this is unsuccessful, then I would be in the camp  of “if he wanted to marry you, he would” and you might have to consider cutting your losses and moving on. It’s hard to stand up for yourself sometimes, but you are still young enough and you shouldn’t settle for any less than you deserve! 

    Post # 25
    Member
    669 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

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    bbb1991 :  I brought it up often… once a month? Every couple months? It wasn’t always with questions or pestering but comments here and there that annoyed him. You could always phrase it something like, “I feel like we haven’t communicated well about this topic and I’m not trying to pester or pressure you, I just feel anxious because I don’t know if we’re on the same page and want to make sure I understand how you feel.”

    Post # 26
    Member
    607 posts
    Busy bee

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    UK-bee :  Exactly. This is my concern for her. If this man, Heaven forbid, passes away suddenly, this woman AND her young son are out on the street and HE DOESNT CARE! I realize it’s morbid and unlikely, but here’s the thing– that’s what good men who love their families do. They plan for their security in ALL situations. This woman has more to worry about than her emotional well-being. She has to find someone who loves her and her son and shouldn’t waste more than another 10 months or so on this guy if he’s not the one. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    607 posts
    Busy bee

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    bbb1991 :  Stop overthinking this and being meek. You should be able to be honest with your domestic partner. Tell him what you want and expect. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    10217 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

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    calliekalico2 :  

    They don’t have to be married for him to take care of OP and her child should the worst happen.  He can get life insurance and name OP as beneficiary.  At his young age, it won’t cost much.

    He may already have life insurance through his employer.  Who is the beneficiary?  If he’s serious about a future with OP, he should be thinking of these things.  There is a child involved.

     

    Post # 30
    Member
    607 posts
    Busy bee

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    sassy411 :  you’re right, marriage isn’t the only way to take care of these details, but it is the most stream-lined and all encompassing way. I took the chance that he had not taken these precautions in a way that benefits OP. 

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