(Closed) Commitment issues?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4066 posts
Honey bee

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Mattyfeets:  I think you need to figure out what you want and when you want it. Set a personal timeline. “If I stay with SO, I need to be engaged by ___.” That way you have a clear expectation in your mind and can move on with your life if he doesn’t meet it. 

As far as him saying things about a ring and then turning around and saying he won’t, it does sound like he’s afraid of commitment. But as you said, he’s young. Most men at that age aren’t quite ready to settle down. I hope things work out for you. Definitely create yourself that timeline. 

Post # 3
Member
811 posts
Busy bee

It seems like you’re both not ready for a lifetime commitment and that is totally ok!! You honestly seem on the same page to me, but are playing games and not just coming out and speakong expectations so you’re both confused and have miscommunication. Have you tried sitting down and saying that you love where things currently stand, but aren’t ready for a next step, and how does he feel about this? To me it seems like you’re wants are rivht on par but you’re both having trouble just spitting it out! Lol 🙂

Post # 4
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee

sounds like he has a lot of issues and you two are not on the same life path, I would stop wasting my precious youth on him and find a new man

Post # 6
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

anyone can utter “I love you”. What has he shown you? He told you he wont ever get you a ring & constantly reminds you not to get your hopes up. You also stated that: “He’ told me that he doesn’t like that sort of teasing because he doesn’t want me to actually think that he’s going to dump me that soon”. What does he mean by THAT soon?

This guy isn’t making any promises or commitments to you. If you like playing break-up to make-up then stay but this guy already told you he will never get you a ring. Why waste your time? Yeah, you’re young but you don’t have to be dumb as well. You two aren’t on the same pg at all. If you stay then you’ll eventually want a ring & he won’t budge. He already told you how it will be. You’ll develop resentment towards him then be back on the Bee asking for advice. Cut your losses & move on.

Post # 7
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You: “I need to talk to you seriously. I like to spend time with you, I think we have a good relationship and I believe we’re pretty compatible and could be together and happy long term. However, I get mixed messages from you. Sometimes you say A and sometimes you say B, and now I’m not exactly sure where I stand with you. I love you. I do! I  really need you to tell me if you feel the same way or not. If you don’t that’s ok, no judgement, but I need to know whether I should be looking for someone who’s looking for the same things as I am, or whether I can relax in our relationship and let it grow and develop naturally. I’m not asking you to get married tomorrow, but I am asking you if you’re marriage minded and if you’ve thought about it with US.”

Post # 8
Member
1808 posts
Buzzing bee

The less you talk about the future and the past and the more you stay in the present, the more the things you want will start happening. 

Post # 9
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

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CrankyTurtle:  Exactly my thought. Very well said! 

Post # 10
Member
11338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s being pretty clear.  He doesn’t want to marry you.  At least not any time in his foreseeable future.  

It’s up to you whether you want to roll the dice & see if that changes in the future.  But I would stop all engagement talk.  He’s made his feelings abundanyly clear & I suspect you have as well.

There’s really no timeline to discuss at this point.  He’s not really leaving the door open for the possibility.

Post # 11
Member
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I think it’s clear that neither of you are truely ready to settle down for the long term. You know what? That’s totally fine! Marriage is the journey, the marathon, not a sprint. You are young in the grand scheme of life. You have a lot you can do to further yourself in career and as a person before being with someone forever. Yes, you can still do those things with someone else but it gets infinitely more complicated. Know yourself first.  There is no set timeline to happiness. When it arrives you will know.

Maybe a right hand ring is the best for now. It doesn’t have to be expensive or a fancy gemstone. Just something small. 

Post # 13
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee

This is one of those situations in which the long, drawn out, endless, non-committed but still hoping, are we our aren’t we/am I or am I not, etcetcetcec relationship begins to raise the question “What are we in this for?”.

Marriage may be a marathon, but even a marathon is defined as 26 miles. 

As to your concept of “….not looking for marriage…..want to know…..committed or not” doesn’t THAT sound a little “flip-floppy”?

Post # 14
Member
6879 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
Mattyfeets:  Maybe I missed it but did you say how long you’ve actually been together? You said: “he said that he’s just really uncomfortable with adjusting to us right now and he doesn’t really know why he’s being so flip-floppy.” What did he/you mean by right now? Has he not always been like this? Has something recently changed?

Post # 15
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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Mattyfeets:  He won’t even get a ring for your anniversary? Tuh

Ask him if he’s committed to you & the relationship ya’ll have. Consider his actions then give YOURSELF an ultimatum.

As I stated before, this guy isn’t making any type of commitment to you. What is there to adjust to? A relationship shouldn’t be uncomfortable.

-What type of connection or relationship/friendship did you two have before deciding to become a couple?

-Who decided to pursue a relationship?

-How long have you two been together?

-What type of future would you want with this guy? i.e. kids w/no marriage, cohabitation, companionship, etc. You have to have some type of intentions when dating someone and those should’ve been lain out before you got together.

 

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