Post # 1
Member
28 posts
Newbee
So I popped on this website to get advice on a guest dress, but browsing around got me thinking!
Me and my S/O have been together 7 years. We started dating fairly young, 19 and 21, and I’ve switched majors a couple of times so I’m still finishing up my B.A. degree. Question is, me and SO, now 27 and 29, have talked about marriage, kids, agreed on it, even done a bit of vague planning such as what kind of wedding we want. It does get a little odd sometimes, though, that we aren’t “officially” engaged. He’s slipped and called me his wife now and then, his family considers us married, and those aren’t BAD things— but it does feel odd now and then. Like I somehow blinked and became married without the exciting engagement/wedding bit.
And this is going to sound so silly, please feel free to laugh at me, but sometimes I worry that us being together so long and already having been committed for so long will take away from some of the excitement for when we DO make things official. I just feel a little awkward sometimes when I think; “Should we start a wedding fund? Should we start a RING fund? Should I just let him take care of that and wait to start a wedding fund until after we’re officially engaged?”
He’s talked about that he knows pretty much how he wants to propose, and I’ve shown him rings I like, but he hasn’t saved anything yet. In fairness, things aren’t super loose financially, which will hopefully change once I’m out of school and in a career. Something always seems to come up; a wedding to people we love that’s out of state, paying for his fathers immigration papers, vet trips for the pups, car trouble, etc. Just life, really, but I almost feel like our relationship is in limbo. I’m the girlfriend, I’m the fiance, I’m the wife, all at once. I’ve been introduced as all three by various people!
Has anyone else been in this same spot? Any recommendations on how to deal with the odd “in-between” feelings?
Post # 2
Member
45 posts
Newbee
Communication is key. Tell him exactly what you just told us.
Post # 3
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee
caitlinjonne : I started dating Darling Husband at 19, moved in together the same year and we just got married 7 years later. I assure you it has been super exciting and enjoyable, I don’t think any length of time would make it not.
He should not introduce you as his wife or fiance. I don’t understand how that is a “slip up”. That’s a conscious decision to call you something you are not but want to be, and is really unfair. I’d shut that down.
Have you had a real talk to your SO about getting married? Not “dreams” and fun things like the perfect ring, but an actual timeline plan for your futures together? And not just wedding, but career, family (if you want one), housing etc?
Money is not a barrier to getting engaged. You can be engaged without a ring, or with a ring that is in budget. How much is your dream ring? If it’s diamond, could you buy the setting with a sapphire or moissanite or other cheaper stone, and upgrade down the track?
I think the odd in between feeling you are describing will go away if you are confident you are both on the same page as far as life plan. You will no longer be in limbo, even if nothing changes right away.
Post # 4
Member
28 posts
Newbee
satxgirl : We’ve talked about it earlier this year, actually! It’s just an odd spot for an engagement right now. He doesn’t want to propose in a way less than what he’s pictured, which is fair, hey, it’s a big moment for him too, but also doesn’t want to have a super long engagement. So it makes sense to wait until I’m out of school and in a career so our combined income is more able to handle a wedding and what not, but in the meantime, it’s just sort of weird limbo territory.
Post # 5
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
I waited a decade for this wedding, and let me tell you- I’m not excited for it. Nothing changes but a piece of paper. It’s just an expensive family reunion party, a whole lot of stress for a few hours of celebration. We did wait to long, this formality just feels dumb now, we already have a life together. My advice is to do it while the relationship is still fresh, 7 years is pushing it girl. Do I regret waiting? Yes. Will this be the best day of my life? Meh.
Post # 6
Member
45 posts
Newbee
caitlinjonne : i understand , me and my fiancé were together for 3 1/2 years before we got engaged and mostly everyone called me his wife or fiancé Too. As a matter of fact his mom started referring to me as her daughter in law like 2 years before the official engagement. Lol so I know that awkward feeling. That’s good that he knows how you feel and that you 2 are on the same page about your commitment to each other. And it sounds like he really wants to make it special 😊
Post # 7
Member
28 posts
Newbee
youngbrokebride : Oh, no, I worded that wrong. His FAMILY has introduced me as his fiance/wife, he never has. Though he has casually said things like “Like me check with the wifey.”, which I suppose isn’t really a “slip”, just him being…cutesy, I guess?
We have talked about all of those things! He bought a house 2 years ago, and though I insisted that I didn’t want my name on it without being married, he considers it “our” house and made sure I was an active part of picking it out. Honestly, I’m flat out told my SO that ring cost isn’t important to me, my taste is fairly simple. I just want something that will last, as I’m sentimental and would want to keep the SAME ring for the rest of our lives. So as long as it’s made well and isn’t likely to break, I’m happy with it.
Re-touching the subject with him will probably help. I do wish his family would stop treating us like we’re already married, though. Did yours do that to??
Post # 8
Member
28 posts
Newbee
yupmarried : See, that is what I’m a bit worried will happen. It’s interesting to get that perspective— BUT THAT SAID, I truly hope that when your big day comes, you still get that “Christmas morning” kind of fuzzy. It is a formality. I mean, weddings used to be a business transaction, more or less LOL
But it’ll be nice to announce to the world “Hey, I love this nerd, and all the nerds in attendance here tonight”, so I hope that still results in a night you remember fondly.
Post # 9
Member
28 posts
Newbee
satxgirl : Haha, his mom did the same. I guess it’s better than being hated by the ML’s, eh?
Post # 10
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
I guess we kind of did things this way, we were thinking of ourselves as a married couple long before the engagement. We had our reasons for not actually discussing marriage for a while, but were pretty much living it. His mom did treat us like we’re already married, my family not so much. The wedding was still exciting and fun, and a great excuse for a family reunion.
I do get how waiting for financial reasons can both make sense and be very frustrating. We did things the other way around – got married, but waited for years to move into a house big enough for a family. It was such an annoying feeling of being in limbo… almost like not quite being an adult because this big milestone hasn’t happened yet. I told D.H. dozens of times how frustrated I was, and he’d half-heartedly go look at houses with me, then find something wrong with each one and shoot down all the options. I couldn’t get anywhere with this until *he* felt we were ready financially.
Post # 11
Member
28 posts
Newbee
bubbles00 : Oh man, I can imagine that is frustrating!! My SO made a house a priority because no one in his immediate family (his mom or sister) had a house they owned, they were all just living in apartments. He wanted to make a “home-base” that they could always turn to if need be, a permanent address type thing. They’re more than capable of taking care of themselves, of course, but he’s protective of them and wants to provide where he can. He’s Venezuelan, so I think it’s also a cultural thing for him.
Post # 12
Member
45 posts
Newbee
caitlinjonne : lol it’s definitely nice to be loved by the Mother-In-Law ! 😊
i do agree with youngbrokebride though about not needing a whole lot of money to be engaged. I know not everyone will agree but me personally if it’s been 7 years I would kind of want to get the ball rolling lol. And you mentioned you don’t require an extravagant ring, so maybe have another serious talk with him and tell him that you feel it’s time to make things more official. Remind him that you don’t need an expensive ring so he won’t stress out about trying to get the money for something that costs a lot of money. However this might require that you have a long engagement Since you 2 are not financially ready for a wedding . And he did say that he did not want a long engagement. But what do you want ? If you don’t want a long engagement either then for now you may just have to wait . Personally I wouldn’t mind a long engagement. I think it would feel nice to make things more official.
Post # 13
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
Fiance called his aunt to tell her that we got engaged and she said “oh, so it’s official now!” Like no, we were never engaged! I totally wouldn’t be okay with Fiance calling me “wifey” without proposing. As PPs have said, he doesn’t need a ring or an expensive one to propose. I would look at moissaniteco website and send him links to things you want.
Post # 14
Member
28 posts
Newbee
satxgirl : I’ve never minded the idea of a long engagement, personally. We both agreed that we definitely want enough time to properly PLAN the wedding, since we’ve seen how hectic it can be to toss one together in 6 months or less hahaha we actually recently stumbled upon a potential venue that meets everything that we wanted in a wedding, so maybe that’s fates way of telling us to get the ball rolling, even if graduation is still a year away! Getting the engagement officialized will mean we can focus on building a wedding budget, too.
Post # 15
Member
28 posts
Newbee
MissCtoMrsR : LOVE this!!! These are lovely rings and I like that its lab-made diamonds used as well. I’ll definitely send this his way, it may relieve a lot of the pressure. Thank you!!
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