(Closed) Communication and other issues w/DH

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly, I think he may be cheating on you…

1) your sex life is nearly non-existent but he still looks at porn

2) On days you work, he comes home early. On days you come home on time or don’t have to work, he works late.

3) He bought more condoms when you didn’t even use what you had

4) He has been non-trusting of YOU and has proceeded to check your messages, e-mail, etc.

5) He is accusing you of all the relationship issues and shuts you out.

I think you need to have a seriuous discussion with him about where both of you stand in the relationship. I would suggest counseling at this point as well to help open up communication. His behavior is really suspicious. If he shuts you out or shuts out counseling, you need to figure out if you want to remain in a relationship where you are being blamed for it going sour and not have any communication with your husband.

(edit): Also BD = baby dancing, and if you are actively trying for a baby, please stop for now until you get these communication issues worked out. A child isn’t going to fix this and it wouldn’t be fair to bring one into your life with these issues you guys have.

Post # 4
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

View original reply
@megz06:  That’s my initial reaction as well.

Post # 5
4438 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@texasbee:  What a jerk!  YOU are NOT being too hard on your relationship, he is being too relaxed about it.


Don’t let him manipulate you into thinking you’re in the wrong, you’re not watching porn and falling asleep without him.


I think he needs a shock to see what HE’S doing is wrong — counseling?  you leaving for awhile?  He just doesn’t seem to care.

Post # 6
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

oh @texasbee: my heart literally breaks for you! I know your background and the TTC journey you have been on and this is just literally the worst.

I agree with some of the previous posters that my gut reaction would be an affair. There are so many red flags in this post. 

Not just the condoms but him trying to turn the blame on you by saying that you should somehow be happy with your lot and this is somehow your fault. A caring DH invested in his relationship would be horrified that his wife was feeling this way.

Also, after everything that happened at Christmas time I would have thought that his behaviour would have been the opposite of this….

Maybe this is a bad patch in your marriage. I am the last person to encourage someone to give up on their marriage and so I certainly would not say that to you now. However, this is very serious. You need to drill home to your DH that your marriage is at stake and his next steps are very, very important.

I know you are in Germany and in a close knit community so some things might be difficult to do… Are you able to list all of these various issues to your husband. Either verbally or write it down. He needs to hear your concerns- and its sounds like he is not really listening/accepting just how serious it is. 

I sincerly hope you can come through this. If you want to PM me feel free. Not that I am full of any good advice, but we are in the same time zone and I am more than happy to “listen” to you.

Best of luck 

Post # 7
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@texasbee:  Sorry you are going through this.  As you have described things, I definitely don’t think that you are being to hard on your relationship.  To me it sounds like your husband is going through a rough time with work and is taking it out on your relationship.  I will say that the other things you’ve mentioned (condoms, turning you down repeatedly, trust issues with you) sound very suspicious, but I hate to jump to conclusions.

I don’t really have any suggestions on how to approach the issue, but believe me, if I were in a similar situation, I would be much harder on the relationship.  I’m not saying that is the right way to handle things, but I am much more confontational when it comes to working things out, and I don’t really let much slide.  Of course, as others have mentioned counseling seems like it would be a very good idea.

Post # 8
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I would be… Suspicious.  I am so sorry.

Post # 10
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

At the very least, hold off of TTC.  His buying condoms when you don’t need them is a serious red flag that he is having doubts about TTC if not the marriage.

Post # 11
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think he’s cheating on you.  I think he’s not ready for children and your relationship isn’t in a place for children, and he’s trying to avoid the discussion.  Personally, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be TTC when you’re working on basic trust issues still – that’s a LOT of strain on a relationship.  Babies don’t make relationships better or fix problems.  I’m also guessing that you’re the driving force behind the TTC push.  Deal with the relationship first.  Babies can wait.

Post # 12
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@texasbee:    I’m so sorry to hear all this.  I agree with PP’s, his behavior raises a lot of red flags. 

He could easily be having an affair – at work – lots of people do, you’d be surprised.  And how do you know he’s at work all day, every day?  He takes a lunch hour, right? 

He’s avoiding being alone with you, and when he is alone with you he’s pulling away from you. 

Also, the cell phone thing – he could have a hidden pay-as-you-go cell phone easily enough.  And she might be paying the bill for it.  I have seen all these things happen and the wife never had a clue, other than the clues she picked up on, similar to the ones you’re picking up on.

The condom thing doesn’t make a bit of sense.  At all. 

He’s being accusatory and suspicious of you – another red flag – one of a guilty conscience.

I hope we’re wrong but this just doesn’t sound good.

Post # 15
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@texasbee:   He has a history of cheating.  You’re right, that sounds very emotionally manipulative.  And he’s deflecting and projecting onto you as well – case in point – the comments comparing how easygoing his ex was with how “hard” you supposedly are making the relationship – wtf?

Trust your gut in this situation.  If you feel something is going on that isn’t quite right, you’re probably right about it.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this! 

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