Communication Issue

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Oh boy, my Fiance is this way and it kills me sometimes! He’s just so stubborn and doesn’t see it as problem. He will make a foolish financial decision and I know it will eventually effect me.

Talk to him and really establish that boundary and make sure he is on board with what you need him to do. Tell him that it makes you upset and feel betrayed that he doesn’t view you as a financial partner of just a partner in general.

Sounds like he really cares for you Bee, sit down when you both are not escalated and distraction free, and have a talk. 

Post # 3
Member
6150 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

That’s really upsetting- it would also be worrisome for me because he sounds like someone who doesn’t talk through big decisions AND doesn’t effectively think through them on his own either.

I think you two need to have a conversation where you (together) list out all of the things that he needs to be aware might impact you. If he’s spent years being in a survival mode, it’s going to take some effort to change those patterns.

I will also say, if you are asking him to make this shift in his entire world view, he needs to know you’re going to be there with him through the process. He likely has some hardcore abandonment/attachment wounds so you being maxed out and done after three years together and 3 months of marriage isn’t going to work.

If he’s willing to do the work, you need to be, as well, or you need to let him know that and end the relationship. You’re asking him to work on healing a core wound to maintain a relationship with you. That takes time and trust.

Post # 4
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

railroaderwifeyxo :  I can definitely see how his background could warrant some of this behavior. It completely makes sense that his pattern of behavior and decision making has only affected himself and now having to deal with another person in the mix could be difficult for him. 

BUT at the same time, this is true for many people/men…

this really doesn’t excuse him making a choice of not telling you. Because in essence that’s what he did, completely decided not to involve you. I understand your frustration because it seems to me like he knew you would be against him getting the car (duh makes sense you would be) so he chose not to tell you. To me that was a purposeful act and not at all tied to his back story..

I don’t blame you for being pissed and I definitely think him making the breakfast was his way of extending the olive branch however ridiculous it was.

I think you two need to have some long talks, and straighten out the communication issues or this will just keep happening. Maybe even counseling could help sort things out if need be. Good luck Bee.

Post # 5
Member
3415 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Wow, that is upsetting. I completely get where you’re coming from and I think you are handling it all fairly well, considering.

From what I understand, many couples experience difficulty discussing finances. Luckily that has never been an issue for me and my husband. I know that there are a lot of difficult situations contributing to your current issue, but I think his spending habit is the main thing that needs to change, so I will focus on that.

Are your finances combined? Darling Husband and I handle things by sharing one checking and one savings. Then we each have our individual credit cards. Once a month, we sit down and discuss all of the bills, what we will put into savings, etc.

With your husband, I think you need to have a simple rule that he can follow, such as “if it’s over $150, tell me.” It’s easy to follow and hard to forget.  Maybe have him decide the amount. Keep emphasizing why it is important that he tell you.

And if things aren’t getting better, therapy may be a great idea. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
11652 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

So some of this is normal adjustment, but he has to be willing to say he was wrong and why. A marriage or any relationship is about two people. Both voices need to count and a seat at the bargaining/decision table.

Def had issues re this with my Fiance. I explained it to him like we are the U.N. (because he loves politics). We each represent our country but we are also working together toward the greater good of the relationship. He seemed to sort of get that.

you’re going to need extra patience with his background though, and it wouldn’t hurt to come to an agreement together re how you will handle joint resources and decisions. 

PPp made great points about his background and setting a limit so he knows what the rules are. Over $150 on one purchase, etc.

Post # 11
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I suppose communication is different in all relationships, but to me this doesn’t seem like a communication problem to me. It seems more like he never got the hand of being in a partnership and making joint decisions hence why he didn’t tell you about buying a new car. I mean when your single you do what you do because it suits you, you don’t have to consult anyone because it doesn’t impact anyone. To me, that seems more like what he is doing. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be! I think it’s something he needs to pay off himself. I don’t mean this as a punishment but he needs to learn you can’t help out with things that he hasn’t discussed with you.

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