(Closed) Communication Issue…Should I confront him?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

You can’t help how you feel- emotions aren’t logical or rational.

That said- calm down!  Immediately jumping to the conclusion that he’s dead or injured when you don’t hear from someone for 24 hours is a little extreme.  When you start to freak out, remind yourself that it’s an irrational fear.  He’s a grown man.  He could just as easily slip on a banana peel a block from your house as he could 1000 miles away.

All through the time I was dating my husband, we never spoke everyday on the phone (granted we weren’t long distance).  If he had insisted on talking every single day, I would have felt smothered.  You want you Fiance to be happy to hear from you and want to talk to you- he’s not going to feel or want that if you are flipping out when he doesn’t call or making him apologize for not calling because he couldn’t.  I think you want him to call because he’s longing to hear the sound of your voice- not calling because he doesn’t want to hear the sounds of you freaking out!

Remind yourself and remind him that you can’t help your feelings, but try to come up with a solution.  It sounds like this is really stressful and draining for you- wouldn’t it be better to stop?  To find a way to deal with this that makes you both happy?

I have a possible solution:

Make phone/internet dates to talk/chat on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays (or whatever days work for you).  If his phone is on the fritz of the wifi is down, you have a standing date- so he needs to reschedule or get word to you about what is up so you don’t worry.

MWFSa- if you don’t hear from him, you have nothing to worry about!  If you do hear from him- wonderful!

My family has alway worked under the assumption- if you don’t hear from me everything’s fine.  That way if you forget to call or check in, nobody sends out the search party.

Remember- you can’t help how you feel, but you can deal with the feelings in a productive way.

Good luck- and here’s wishing June comes quick!

Post # 4
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

It sounds like maybe you two have different opinions on how much communication you need and exactly what you need to be communicated every day in order to feel comfortable.  If you think a daily check-in isn’t too much too ask, and he thinks communication shouldn’t happen as often, that can cause a lot of issues.  Part of it might be the distance thing, but I think you should talk about what you expect.  Do you just want to know he’s ok every day?  Or are you looking for an actual conversation on a daily basis?  Are you more concerned that if you don’t hear from him he is in danger or hurt?  Or are you looking for the daily talks/emails/texts/whatever to help build intimacy and closeness?  I think this is an issue (i.e. differences in communication styles/expectations) that a lot of couples have to work out.  I also think good/fulfilling communication is really important to healthy relationship, so you should definitely talk to him about your concerns and feelings. 

Maybe one thing that would help would be to have a daily schedule?  My fi and I were apart for about 4 months at one time, but we set up a daily hour block of time to talk to each, whether it was over the phone, email, chat, whatever.  If one of us couldn’t make that time, we would find some way to communicate to the other person that it wasn’t going to work that night and we’d talk tomorrow.  That way, neither of us worried about the other person, and we had an agreed upon commincation style that worked for us as a couple.

Post # 5
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Can you two text back and forth?  That might be easier.  He may honestly (men are sometimes thinking we’re ok with stuff when we’re really not) feel very comfortable in the relationship and wrongly assume that you’re good with this too.  All this electronic communication is good and bad..I heard Jennifer Aniston broke up w/John Mayer because of TOO much texting he did (John apparently Twitters too much)!  Too much or too little communication can put a strain on things in a relationship.

Btw, Rosy’s right..don’t always assume the worst.  Assume the best.  Maybe he’s super engrossed in work because he knows he’s got alot of growth on his plate with you two getting married and a new life together soon to happen!  Maybe a short text at the end of the work day saying hi or just wanted to say love you?  And a call before bedtime?

Talk it out.  But realize that men don’t view things the same sometimes as we do.  I’m in the middle of something different than this and last night I began talking about the issue at hand because me either worrying or fuming over something does no good unless there’s movement towards solving the issue at hand. 

Even after marriage, he may go off on a business trip or you might..you can’t worry or incessantly wonder either! You should be stable enough with each other to feel comfortable and secure in the relationship now.  And even more so in the future.  I know you two can easily solve this! 

 

Post # 7
Member
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I have had a very similar issue with my fiance.  We’ve been long distance since May and will be until our wedding in June.  i hope if nothing else, I’ve learned a couple lessions about my fiance and about our relationships.

You two do need to talk.  And you need to come up with a compromise.  My fiance is in grad school, has an internship, and is working part time and he really throws himself into his school work-reading 4-6 hours a day.  I couldn’t understand why we couldn’t talk at least once a day, and why it couldn’t be spontaneous.  He couln’t understand why I didn’t realize how busy he was and how much he hates talking over the phone.

My fiance gets very flustered when he is working on projects or reading and gets interupted.  There were a lot of angry and hurt phone conversations before we came to a compromise that rather than call, I would text him and he could call me when it was most convenient for him-whether that meant in 5 minutes or an hour.  If he can’t call at all, he texts me back.  We do text more often than we talk on the phone, and we’ve come to the point where we only talk on the phone 3-4 times per week.  I say only because everyone else I know that is in a relationship, including my little sister, talks to their significant other 1-2 times per day, every day. (And I always have in my previous relationships)

But this is what works for us. Most especially because we talked about it and compromised. Neither one of us got exactly what we wanted.  But we also realized and talked about the fact that this is nothing like what our marriage will be!  It’s just a season which will soon be over.

I think you probably have some issues with worrying (what woman doesn’t!).  You can’t let yourself think about something bad happening to him all the time or you’ll live your life in worry.  For me that means praying about it, but you do what you think is best to no think about it. 

Bottom line, come up with a plan that considers both of your needs.  And hey, June is just a couple months away.  You’ll soon forget about all the stress that a LDR brings!

Hope it all works out.

Post # 8
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

Because this is bothering you, you should definitely talk to him about it!  Regardless of whether or not you have a "right" to be upset, you are upset and so you should definitely feel free to talk to him about things that upset you.  Maybe you’re paranoid, maybe he’s just not being considerate enough….regardless, you need to figure it out and work through this so that you both feel comfortable and secure about this.  Everyone has a different threshold and comfort level for communication so it’s hard to definitively say "yes in this situation you are right and he is wrong".  Just talk to him and let him know why this affects you so much…and then hear him out, maybe it’s hard for him to get in touch with you as often as he would like for really valid reasons and you need to be more understanding?

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would definately mention it to him that you worry when you don’t hear from him and that even a quick message either email text whatever would help you. That being said I know how it feels to worry and how that can be detrimental to you as a person. Worrying all the time isn’t good. You might want to talk to someone such as a counselor about your feelings. If this is something that happens to you often outside of expecting a call from him then I would talk to someone. You can always find something to worry about so being together might not solve the problem.

But never be afraid to say how you feel, even if it seems stupid. That is the most important time to say how you feel because the other person probably doesn’t even realize it.

Post # 10
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

((((((hugs))))))

I can completely understand your fear. I live with my own fears, as I assume many people do.

I am in a distance relationship as well. Oregon to Kuwait. We see each other every 10 weeks or so. I used to be concerned about how much time he spend communicating with all his friends. I realized I was so concerned because when we were trying to have conversations he was distracted with work, or in his office, or eating, or I was rushing around, or didn’t have enough downtime before talking therefore was just too unsettled.

We talked about this, how each of us feel. I suggested we talk once a week, one hour, and he could do whatever with his other social time. If he wanted more time he could ask for it, but it had to be uninterrupted time. None of the above distractions, and no phone calls unless one of his employees was dying.

We ended up agreeing that we talk everynight, my evening, his morning, except two days a week when he needs to be other places. We also talk in the morning, he can be distracted then, I am just logged into iChat watching him, or getting ready for work, he sends messages, flirts, and then we say goodnight/good day. This is working great. I can count on the one hour we get at night, we read from the Bible, or another book that is focused on love for 15 minutes and then talk about our days or worries.

Phone calls to Kuwait are insane, we do exchange them. But we use Skype and iChat when we can. I might suggest this as a way to be able to spend time together without really being together.

It is not too much to ask to speak for an hour a day. After you are married there will be days when for 24 hours you only see each other. You will spend 8 hours sleeping. You will spend only about 8-10 hours away from each other. One hour a day is not too much time to spend now cementing the foundation of the rest of your life. This is both of your investments. If you don’t care for it, it won’t grow. You need to feel like he is earning you everyday. He needs to feel like you are earning him everyday.

 

I wish you luck.

Let us know how it is going.

Post # 11
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Don’t worry and definitely talk to him. Communication issues will probably be the root of many a marriage problem you’ll have, so getting simple things like timing down needs to happen now. My FH and I were long distance for 3 years before we moved in together, so we set boundaries soon to let each other know how much we could talk and what our schedules were like. Work out the kinks one at a time.

Post # 13
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Sometimes people are on different levels when it somce to the checking in stuff.  Callling to let you know everything is OK.  I had a long distance engagement too.  We very much enjoyed talking most days.  (Perhaps not every single day.)  It sucks but a 1-2 hours phone conversation was the best part of my day, and it was all we could get at the time. 

If you are looking forward to his phone calls, let him know what it means to your day.  Sometimes though, you’ll haveto be flexible and understanding.  It will most likely happen in marriage too, that he will have days he’s going to be late for dinner, or will have to travel for work etc.

As for the freaking out about him being dead if he doesn’t call, a bit extreme.  I hear ya, but realize it’s highly unlikely that’s the problem.   If you are a worrywart, I don’t know if the solution is for him to simply keep enabling you.  Maybe at this point it is getting a little annoying for him.  Or maybe being engaged, knowing that the wedding is coming, he feels like he needs to get some things under his belt, and is busily doing that to prepare for your marriage.  Maybe he feels like you are busy too.

I consider myself to be a bit of a worrywart too.  So I feel like I can empathize with where you are coming from.  But I think you should take a step back and ask yourself if the thoughts you’re having are rational.  You said that you hate that you have no other options to get in contact with him.  If you were closer, would you use them?  If he didn’t call you, would you just go over to his house, work etc?  Try not to smother him.  He loves you.   Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Is your Fiance deployed or something? I know when my Fiance was in Iraq, sometimes they had black outs and the phones just went out b/c of the heat. If i got a phone call from an unknown number (usually a woman in charge of informing family members there has been an accident), I took a deep breath and went outside. Yes, it was often her calling to tell me somebody, private X  or corporal Y had been injured, but it wasn’t MY fiance. We’d make arrangements to talk whenever we could, but sometimes I just knew it wasn’t going to happen. I eventually learned that stressing wouldn’t help, and if he was meant to come home safely, he would. He didn’t want to know that I was at home having a heart attack, when in reality, he was sitting around in the dark munching on the goodies I sent him. Try not to worry, I do think you are being slightly paranoid, although I see where you are coming from.

YOu never indicated if he was military, but I get the impression he lives with his mom…hence the "borrow his mom’s phone to say hello"? If that’s the case, you may just be being a little too in his face. That’s ok, just remember and back off a little. Now that my Fiance is back, sometimes I call him 5 times over a few hours and he’s like "whoa there, you miss me or something?" and I realize that maybe that was excessive on my end. But, tell him you worry, and you can’t stop, and that you’d appreciate him checking in. you’re nothing checking UP on him, you just want to know he’s ok, via text message or something. If he knows you’re worrying, that’l be the last thing he wants and hopefully he’ll make an effort to ease your worryful mind. 

Post # 15
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

We’re doing the long distance thing too-304 miles apart. We see each other once or twice a month. We do text WAY more than we talk-with both of us being at work and busy, as well as me having little kids (there is ZERO privacy and the noise level, especially if they have friends here is deafening) we’ve had to do like others have said and compromise. We text all day long some days-back and forth, other days-it’s a quick good morning & I love you and then maybe a check in in the afternoon and then we say our good nights. Other days, we talk on the phone sometimes. I don’t think how you communicate is as important as the level of communication being comfortable for each other. We also send regular old snail mail. In this day and age of email and texting, getting a card, note or letter in the mail is a welcome surprise. It’s probably a bit old fashioned now, but I send a scented card and he’ll send me a love note (scented too!) it is sometimes better to have something concrete you can hold in your hand, stick in your purse and pull out later in the day or at bedtime to read over.

Post # 16
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I guess I’m wondering what you mean when you say you "<span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px”>have no options on ways to get in contact with him"?  You say you don’t have his friends’ phone numbers– but you have his, and his email obviously.  If he was living in the same city, but came home a few hours late and didn’t call, how would you react?  Would you call his friends to see if they knew where he was?  Because if that’s your first reaction, you may want to think about how that’s going to work when the long-distance is no longer an issue.  Your/his friends will quickly tire of being called every time he is a few hours late to come home.  It sounds like he gets absorbed in his work and sort of tunes everything out – my husband is very similar.  Whlie I would never suggest that you just need to "accept that" I think you do need to talk through this with him, so you can explain to each other what your needs/expectations are in terms of communicating.  Like the other ladies said, unless he’s off at war, the chances of him being dead because you haven’t heard from him for 24 hours are really slim.  Hang in there- long distance is tough, and it plays tricks on your mind.  I was long distance with my husband (before we were married) for three years – Washington State to England.  It was tough, but we got through it!

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