(Closed) Communication issues….is it me? (Very long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

What did you say in the messages? It looks like you just said one day, and then it was a few days before you talked. Maybe he needed some time to process the feelings?? Not really sure what to make of it

Post # 4
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

@miss_optimistic: To me, it sounds like you may’ve initially hurt his feelings and then pissed him off (or vice versa) with the “I’ll look terrible” comment. Again, to me it sounds like you were baiting him… looking for a, “Honey, I love you. Doesn’t matter what you look like, etc” but did not get it. He gave you what he thought you were asking for. Guys will take what we say, for the most part, at face value and not overanalyze the crap out of it like we do.

I understand it’s difficult (to the extent, I’m not sure since I’ve only been LDR and not a military LDR); however, you need to say what you really mean. Heck, I need to say what I really mean… I think we all do. It’s easy to point a finger and see where someone went wrong.

He’ll need to do the same thing, too. He can’t read your mind, you can’t read his — neither of you should have to. Either way, if he was hurt/ticked off, he should’ve put his big-boy-pants on and communicated that he probably (sounds like, at least) interpreted it as you not thinking it was a big deal to talk to him (ie, more concerned about your appearance).

It sounds like it’s something that’s “harmless” in the sense that it was a true miscommunication. If there are patterns of this, though, then it might be time to look into something.

FWIW, who cares if you look like crap/crying? Better to have some interaction than none at all, right?

Again, just my impression based on the OP’s information. I may be totally off here.

Post # 5
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I honestly wouldn’t be ok with it. And even more, if you guys are serious about getting married why would you not do a wedding before he goes over seas so that you can go with him? I don’t understand why you’d make yourselves live apart for 4 years. None of it sounds right to me personally.

Post # 6
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It’s hard to say based on the playback, but I can see how he thought you might want to be left alone. 

I’d recommend taking a deep breath, trying to put this out of your mind, and talking again – not to say there aren’t communication issues, but approaching the problem solving aspect of things upset from either end won’t help. 

Also, even though he seemed great when he told you… consider he might be upset too. I have friends who were in a similar situation. They saw each other 1 week total of their first married year. I’m friends with him, so I heard periodically how much he hated it and how upset he was at times.

Are you going to wait until after the four years to set the date, or are you going to fit the marriage in when he’s back?

Post # 7
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@miss_optimistic: Honestly the following statement is a little passive agressive:

“We may not need to talk by skype tomorrow, I’m gonna look pretty awful” (As in I’ll probably have been crying, and it will show, which I didn’t want him to see, and clarified for him in another message).

I know my Fiance sometimes gets upset when I tell him that there may not be a reason to talk because of something that is out of his control that is upsetting (i.e. when he first moved to the UK and we restarted our LD relationship). A statement like that makes him feel guilty for making the choice he made (or being in the situation he’s in) when you originally said you supported it and that is not fair (it took me a LONG time to learn this).

I would try and clearly lay out what you need from him and see if he thinks it is feasible with his schedule.

With Fiance we laid out that we needed to be on contact somehow at least once a day. It wasn’t feasible to have a phone call every day, but at least an quick e-mail to check in so that we each knew the other was ok.

Is he in basic training now? His free time may not be as “free” as you think. He may be trying to build friendships, or just be completely exhausted.

You need to have a conversation calmly about what each of you need from the other at a bare minimum. Make sure you can meet the bare minimum and then if there is time for something more, that is fantastic. But for a while, it sounds like the amount of communication you are looking for may not be feasible with your schedules.

Post # 8
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Also, if you were just looking for reassurance (not saying that you were but the thought came to my mind), I would flat out say that. This may sound lame or outdated, but I typically do it and have always been met with  very positive responses. Tell him, “Honey, I love you and I’m gonna/I do miss you. I know it’s not important what I really look like when we talk, etc. but I was feeling vulnerable and wanting to look pretty for you but am afraid of how difficult/heartwrenching these next few years will be. I didn’t mean to make it seem like I didn’t care about talking to you and I’m sorry if I hurt you. I guess I was just looking for reassurance and will try my best to better communicate that”. Ideally, he should say something along the same lines if he was hurt, etc. I think you should be the one to initiate this conversation/apology.

When I’m feeling weepy or discouraged or just need reassurance about anything physical/emotional, I’ll say, “I could really use some reassurance right about now” and am, again, met with wonderful results. It opens the line of communication without saying, “you never compliment me anymore!” or whatever the situation requires.

Long story short, you both move past it and do better next time. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@FrozenFeet: THIS.

It took me about eight years to learn to say exactly what it was I needed (instead of hoping he’d get it and getting angry when he didn’t). I guess I’m a slow learner. But it’s made a huge difference.

Post # 11
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@miss_optimistic:  You say above you sent him the message Sunday, saying you didn’t want to Skype tomorrow.. meaning Monday so I can understand why he gave you the space.  Men do take what we say very literally.  Many times I have to be careful how I word some of my communication to my Fiance or he won’t do at all what I want him to do. Explicit instructions work best. 

Communication is one of those things you will continue to work on everyday through the course of your relationship.  I wouldn’t necessarily postpone your wedding date based on communication.  It’s always evolving and the fact that you both want to work on it says alot about the strength of your relationship.  If neither of you wanted to work on communication at all, then I would be concerned with setting a date.

Hope this helps!  Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@FrozenFeet:  I have also learned to say what I need.  I like to use the phrase, “Pay attention to me” which sounds pretty gritchy and demanding as I look at it in black and white, but my Fiance knows exactly what I mean when I say it and he gives me the extra whatever I need when I use it.  We have talked alot about making sure we both say exactly what we need instead of beating around the bush and making each other guess. 

Post # 15
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@miss_optimistic: He still may be trying to make new friends, have other things going on after work, etc.

I think the bigger issue though is he is doing something you said you supported and would work through with him and then you are guilt tripping him for doing what you said you’d support.

It’s ok to talk to him about how this is hard, but it is going to be hard for him too.

My Fiance and I went through some very rough patches because I wasn’t acknowledging how hard his side was when we weren’t together AND I was making him feel guilty for building a strong career for both of our futures (when I initially said I’d support him fully in growing his career).

You need to be open, honest, and straight forward with each other.

Like I said, set down very simple rules like we must contact each other once a day. If all it is turns out to be a one line e-mail that says “Hi, unfortunately really busy today but I love you and I miss you” so be it. I don’t know about military LDR but I’m currently in an LDR with a 5 hr time difference. So by the time I’m done with work Fiance is already asleep. It’d been hard to find time to talk every day since I can’t always talk at work and when I get up in the morning he’s at the office (and can’t talk at work).

Strong relationships (especially long distance ones) are all about give and take. They are also about trying to see everything from the other person’s point of view.

Post # 16
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Based on your op, it seems like you may be sending mixed signals.  “Don’t skype me because I won’t be looking nice.”  “Talk to me now, because I need you.”  If you’re in it together, it will never matter how you look.  What if he needed you when you told him not to skype you?  I don’t see much difference in him knowing you’ve been crying (via text) and actually seeing you crying (via skype)  Men are generally not intuitive. They generally take things literally.  Your last communication to him was basically don’t contact me until I’m ready.  I think his actions show he did not appreciate that.  

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