Complete 180 from talking having kids to needing space – can anyone weigh in?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
660 posts
Busy bee

graces7 :  Your post was very long. People are more likely to respond if you provide a summary first and then the full details.

Post # 4
7776 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This guy came on REALLY strong…at six weeks he’s talking about you taking his name and your five hypothetical kids. Introducing you to his entire clan, etc. Big red flag there.

Sounds to me like he does want all those things hypothetically, and for awhile, he was happy to picture your face in the roll of wife and mother of his kids. Then when you began to have an actual relationship – i.e. shit started to get real – he freaked out and shut down.

I’ve had something similar happen before with an older guy (41) I dated briefly before my husband…we’d been on literally two dates and he was going on about how his dog loves cats so it would be no problem for us to move in together (I have cats)… talking about wanting kids, etc. On the one hand, that type of chatter was kind of intoxicating because I very much wanted to be in a serious relationship and here was a seemingly great guy telling me he wanted all that too, and with me!…. but then the rational voice in my head saw it as a major turn-off. He didn’t know me at all, and he’s talking about moving in together and having kids with me? The truth is, if he would say those things to me after two dates, he’d say them to pretty much anyone who he was even remotely attracted to.

I suspect it’s something similar with this guy. Men who come on really strong like that usually end up being full of hot air. I give you a lot of credit for standing up for yourself and shutting this down before it could go any further.

ETA: I just realized you’re the bee with the dipshit ex fi who basically ghosted you once he went to medical school. I’m really sorry you’re struggling again, but don’t despair too much! It’s only been a few months since you went through so much with your ex. Please give yourself time to heal and don’t put pressure on yourself to meet “the one” right away. 

Post # 5
115 posts
Blushing bee

I didn’t get through the whole thing but I’ll say this – move on and consider it a learning experience. Be wary of anyone who comes on too strong in the beginning. This can be an indicator of anything from simple desperation to narcissistic personality (lovebombing). Stable, healthy relationships develop over time and  blowing “hot” in the beginning can create a false sense of intimacy. Three months is such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things. I wouldn’t take his going “cold” personally; I’d consider it a bullet dodged. 

Post # 6
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

This sounds like A LOT of drama for only dating 3 months.  I think you dodged a bullet and suggest you take things much slower with the next person you date.

Post # 7
8642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

graces7 :  By “last Christmas” do you mean this past Christmas, like a little over 3 months ago? If so, my guess is that things went too fast too soon, he decided to slow down a bit, and your “all-in or I’m dating other people” response might have thrown him. You absolutely have a right to date other people and should be honest about it, but the way you’ve written it here sounds like it could have been interpreted as a threat, or as threatening (adjective, not verb) to him. Or maybe he’s realized he is not all in and he’s not brave enough to come out and say it. 

ETA: Also agreeing with other bees that him coming on so strong so fast could be a red flag that he’s not realistic. I did not mean to imply “it’s your fault!” — it’s really hard to say what might have happened.

Post # 8
1329 posts
Bumble bee

Bee, this has happened to me a MILLION times. And literally–LITERALLY–every time a guy came on super strong in the beginning and we were together all the time and things were progressing quickly, he was NOT emotionally available. They NEVER are. Here’s why:

Emotionally available people are emotionally healthy, and (generally speaking) emotionally healthy people take a little more time and are a bit more cautious in new relationships. They don’t immediately throw all of their trust and hope and selves into this one new person. And even if they FEEL really into it, they tend to hold back a little bit, if only so as not to scare off the other person. That’s just how it is, so if guys come on suuuuper strong right away, that’s a red flag in my experience. 

And it’s clear that Dudeface isn’t emotionally available since he’s pulled away and SAID that he has emotionally problems. So next time… no matter how amazing it is and how much the guy seems to be into you, SLOW IT DOWN. 

Post # 9
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I also think that all those things happend in very fast and intensive way and I think he really wants to have all those things so badly and you are the first woman after two years for him, that could fulfill all of this. But then he probably became scared, because everything happened so fast. What did he reply to your last message?

I think that if you really like him and the two of you are open about getting to know each other a bit better and date for more time, then you could work your way through this. I don’t think that it necessarily needs to be a red flag, it depends on how he can explain himself. As you know, relationships can be scary and they can leave you kind of traumatized and cause you relationship anxiety. 

But if you think that your attachment is more because he’s the first who presented himself like being a possible future husband and it’s not really about him, then move on.

Post # 12
671 posts
Busy bee

Sorry, bee. Unfortunately, many guys pull this crap. They get all excited the first few dates and then start picture-painting about the future when they don’t even know you. The PP’s are dead on- this is a huge red flag. 

Then, when things get real, and you actually have expectations of them (because they made it all sound so good when they fantasized out loud about it all!) they freak out. 

Truth is, at the time, they were excited about the POTENTIAL of the relationship, any relationship, and it all seemed so warm and fuzzy. But then they realize you don’t know each other at all, and they actually have to put work into a relationship and back up the commitments they had you fantasizing about.

It sucks so bad, and I’m sorry, bee. 

I just found it creepy when he kept mentioning the babies and sending a picture of one and joking about how time is running out…it’s just so weird and pushy for someone who barely knows you!

*A guy would RUN FOR THE FREAKIN HILLS if it were the other way around and women led with that kind of future talk so early on! Remember that.

I’m sorry he lulled you in with such a false sense of security and intimacy, but this wasn’t a sustainable relationship. He may not have done it intentionally, but it still sucks nonetheless.

Just remember for next time: RUN when a guy starts BSing you about future talk so early on. Good luck OP

Post # 14
325 posts
Helper bee

This guy was future faking, nothing more, nothing less. And he wasn’t opening up to you, he was LYING to you just to make you think he was emotionally available. It’s easy to say “I’m afraid of you hurting me,” but he didn’t mean it. He only said it so you would think he’s sensitive and vulnerable, and that means you’ll be all sympathetic and understanding when he pulls crap like this.

Trust me, he was afraid of nothing. He didn’t get freaked out by his feelings for you; he lost interest. Forget about him. Find someone more stable, someone who doesn’t come on so strong in the beginning and doesn’t start out by overloading you with sob stories of his past heartbreaks.

Post # 15
4372 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

It should have been a huge red flag ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ when he came on so hot.and heavy, mentioning marriage so quickly, even before he really had time to get the know you and develop true, deep feelings. He love bombed you and then disappeared. This happens often. I’d let this one go.

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