Complete 180 from talking having kids to needing space – can anyone weigh in?posted 12 months ago in Relationships
- 12 months ago
You’re so kind to say that, and I’m so thrilled that what I’ve said has been able to bring you some clarity and comfort.
I take a keen interest in this stuff and have read up extensively about (in very large part to understand my own experiences), and I only give my own commentary if I know it will be helpful and if I’m reasonably sure it is close to the mark.
As I say, I have read up and researched a lot about relationships, with a particular interest in what they have to teach us about ourselves.
Many people (wrongly) assume when there’s a hiccup in a relationship or when someone pulls back slightly that it means the person is not “into” you or that he or she is a game player or jerk. Most of the time it’s not the case at all. In a new relationship, everyone is slightly on their guard and people’s fears get activated easily. A lot of a new relationship is simply about managing our own fears and insecurities and letting the other person do the same, while at the same time assessing if that person is actually what you want. That’s why it’s important to take things slowly.
I really have been where you are, and it’s only recently that I realised the role that my own anxiety played in my relationships and why they broke up. To be clear – I’m not blaming myself (or you), but I do think it’s helpful to understand the way our own anxiety and healing works and to manage it properly because our behaviour is really the only thing we can control.
I agree completely with
You were not wrong to state what you needed. But I also think with a new relationship it’s wise not to invest too much (or say too much) but instead give the other person a chance to reveal who they are and what they’re capable of. Unfortunately that does take time. I honestly think the healthier relationships start out where both people have full lives that they focus on for a long time and don’t give up too much or make too many promises to the other person until there’s a deeper commitment.