(Closed) Complete Newbee, but please comment if you can re: calling off a wedding.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have lived in relationships where I knew it wasn’t right.  They were never happy, and I always found myself thinking “this is it, this is the fight, maybe now I will be free”

I think you need to be totally and brutally honest with him, so you both can move on before any further wedding planning is done or paid for.  He deserves to be with someone who is just as excited about spending her life with him. 

And in the end, you deserve to be happy to.  You don’t want to wake up in 15 years time thinking that you can’t handle your life anymore.

I wouldn’t break up with him on the phone, but I would be honest.  Tell him your not happy, and that when he gets back the two of you need to talk.  So at least can take some time to compose some thoughts of his own.

Post # 4
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

just be honest with him, dont let the time go by or it will be more hurtfull for both of you

Post # 5
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I kinda feel that thesw things are best done in person. 

Also how old his his daughter, you might want to explain to her that it is not heras for why you guys are separating , especially if you plan in leaving him after taking care if her for a while .

Post # 6
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Don’t say anything till you see him face to face..you owe him that. When he’s back, speak to him asap. You’re doing the right thing if you feel like this.

Post # 7
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Be honest and upfront. The longer you drag this out, the likelihood of a negative impact may occur on everyone involved- you, him, and his daughter. Now as to ending the relationship over the phone or in person is up to you and what is best for your personal situation. If he is returning in the very near future, maybe it’s best to wait to end things in person. However, if it is looking to be like months, sometimes, a phone call is necessary. Before you go down this route, please be sure you want to actually end things.  Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Do you know you don’t want to be with him at all or do you just not want to get married to him?

Post # 9
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ticatica:  Don’t say anything till you see him face to face..you owe him that.

This.

Definitely do not do it over the phone…he deserves for this to be done face to face. And as another pp suggested..how old is his daughter? She may be feeling that it will be her fault, especially since it is happening after his absence.

Good luck to you. And remember, you are doing the right thing. It would be much worse to wait any longer or to go through with the wedding and knowing that your vows were a lie.

Post # 10
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You are starting off right by being honest with yourself. You definelty can’t go forward with the marriage, I don’t think there’s any good way to do this, you kind of just have to do it as soon as you see him. I myself would hate to be blindsided so do you think he has even an inkling that something isn’t right? That’ you aren’t happy? If not, you might want to tell him before you see him that you really need to get some things off your chest, give him a chance to mull over the worse case scenerio. Just a thought. The other bees had great advice too. Honesty first and very quickly.

I just wanted you to kow that what you are feeling, I’ve heard this before. I actually have a friend who married someone very quickly and they divorced pretty quickly too. She said that while she was married, she would fantasize about him getting in a carwreck or somethign so it jsut struck me when you said that. And this isn’t a bad person, she’s a lovely girl who just got married to someone she didn’t want to be with.

Dont’ let this happen to you.

Post # 11
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve been in your shoes… I called off my first enegagement several years ago… I am now just a few months away from marrying a man that I literally can’t imagine my life without… He is my other half and I thank God everyday that I had the courage to walk away from my previous engagement. This is a little long but hopefully it gives you encouragement because it was a hard decision but the best decision i ever made. I once heard there was a study done and a very high percentage of divoced women had thoughts like yours and mine before the wedding but went through with it anyway… I didn’t want to be a statistic.

I  was young, he was 5 years older and in all honesty, I never thought “this is the man I’m going to marry”… but after a couple years of dating, my job was moving me halfway across the country and he was moving with me (which i was happy about)… 2 weeks before i was leaving for training, he proposed. it was new years eve, I had probably had a few too many drinks and it seemed like the right thing to do…

the planning wasn’t exciting for me and i knew something was missing but i kept telling myself that he loved me so much and would never hurt me. I had myself convinced that true love/can’t live without eachother stuff never lasts and its normal to just find someone you can settle with and be content… I think i little by little pushed him away and he became more of a roommate than anything. i worked ridiculously long hours and had no desire to spend time with him but we continued on and continued planning the wedding. 

I was visiting my friend and i had the revelation that being away from him was the happiest i had been in so long. He was texting and calling that he couldn’t wait for me to get home because the time apart made him realize how much he loved me and it just made me sick to my stomach. i didn’t even want to respond. i just wanted to shut my phone off and forget about him.  

He had moved halfway across the country for me so i felt incredibly guilty but the night i got back i sat down and told him that i thought he should move out (i would have moved but he couldn’t afford our place alone) I owed it to him to be honest. I think we both knew it hadn’t been right for years (yes… years) and that if we continued, neither of us would be happy and it would probably end up in divorce. I apologized and told him that i know it is hard and i didn’t want to hurt him but it wasn’t fair to either of us… he cried then he stormed off slamming the door. Several days passed and he wasn’t packing his things. i’d come home from work and he’d be laying on the couch watching tv… he tried pretending like the entire conversation never happend and i was just crazy… i ended up taking a personal day and packing all of his things and putting them by the door.  I then went to ‘visit a friend’ for a weekend so he could move his things. He moved into an apartment in the same complex i lived in… He purposely tried to make the breakup very hard. He asked if he could keep a key so he could do his laundry and my apartment rather than renting or buying his own… He literally did everything in his power to try to remain a part of my life but i had to do what i could to cut ties… he didn’t have a child but we did have 2 dogs together and one of them he had when we met… the dog was by far the greatest loss of the entire 4 year relationship…  

Moral of the story – I did it and could not be happier… a clean break is easier but you can offer help with his daughter while he figures something else out.. (I kept the dog while he was getting another apartment, etc…) unelss he has family, etc who could easily take over. There may be moments where you think OMG what did I do, what if i realize i was just having cold feet, etc… But now I realize that what i felt was in no way cold feet. the mere thought of something happening to my new fiance makes me tear up. I even want him to eat healthy so he doesn’t have health problems later on in life lol…   i’m not friends with my ex. i wish him every happiness and even go to the point where we shared a brief but sincere goodbye and goodluck before i was moving out of state 6 months ago…

You have a little bit different scenario because of the child. do what you can to make it less traumatic for her but ultimately, it would not be in her best interest for you to get married and be in an unhappy marriage or splitting up so definitely the sooner the better… just stay strong, stay busy and stay focused on a happier future with someone you can truely picture yourself with forever… good luck!

Post # 13
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I haven’t called off an engagement before, but it was pretty close to that. I had dated this guy for almost four years. We were thisclose to getting things together and getting engaged and married. It just never seemed quite right. We were/could have been great friends if we hadn’t jumped into dating one another. I remember thinking how I wished that he was gay, because then we could just be the friends I wanted us to be. I started feeling physically ill when I felt obligated to respond “I love you” when he said it to me. Breaking up with him was absolutely one of the most horrible things I have ever gone through. I did it in person, and then called one of his friends and waited until he arrived before I left. We agreed to make a clean break and have only talked a handful of times since.

The guilt was intense and lasted for years. Unfortunately, four years later, he still hasn’t dated anyone else, at least “officially”, to soothe that lingering guilt for the pain that I caused him. But I know that it was necessary for both of us. Eventually I also accepted that I did the absolute best I could for him given the situation, and that I can’t feel responsible for his life.

Post # 15
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@falafelly:  I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also didn’t officially call off an engagement, but was somewhat informally engaged when I was 18 to a man that I ended up dating until I was 21. I really didn’t want to be with him from around my 20th birthday, but didn’t know how to leave him. I was “in so deep”, that I thought it was too hard to get out. But surprisingly, he felt the same way (kinda–he didn’t want to be tied down at that age, he wanted to travel around the world). He ended up moving to Mexico for 6 months and within 3 weeks of his leaving, I emailed him to tell him that I think it was best for us to end our relationship. I wouldn’t have seen him for 6 months and just didn’t want to wait anymore. It didn’t feel right – my situation was a bit unique and I would have preferred to do it in person…but I don’t feel so bad because he was cheating on me with a 16 year old girl in mexico (ugh – he sucks). Fast forward over 7 years, he’s now married and lives across the country. I’m actually happy that he’s found his own level of happiness and isn’t so negative about his outlook on life anymore. It’s better that way – I hope you find your happy place soon…you deserve it!

Post # 16
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@falafelly: You have plenty of good answers here, but I thought I might share my story, because when I was in a similar situation it was hearing about other people that really helped me to go through with the right decision.

A long time friend and I dated for about a year and a half and then got engaged (kinda short, I know). We had problems just like any other couple I thought, but we were generally really happy together. We were long distance, which was very hard for both of us. I’m also very religious, and for most of our relationship it seemed like we shared those values, but in the end it turned out that we didn’t as much as I’d thought. 

I had big problems with him not nurturing our relationship in the way that I felt that I needed. But, I felt so embarassed at the thought of breaking it off. What would everybody think? A lot of people felt like our relationship wasn’t meant to be and I thought they would feel like they were right, and they were the reason I broke it off. (They did, oh well). What would happen to him without me? (A strange mixture of hero and martyr syndrome was had.) Would I ever find anybody that I loved that much again? That loved me that much?

What finally gave me the strength to end our engagement was pretty silly. A girl that I had always admired in high school broke off her engagement and I thought, if people like her do it, then maybe I can too. The next time we came to irreconcilable problems instead of brushing them off like usual (I was kind of waiting to decide for sure in prerson, since I thought maybe the distance was causing our issues), we decided that we should end it. At first I really didn’t want to do it over the phone, but it wasn’t really worth an inter-ocean plane ride just for an in-person break up. We were both devestated, even though we understood. We were so lonely, I cried for a couple of days. A day or so in he called and asked how this could be right if we were both so miserable. But I knew it would be very hard to ever try to break up again, so I said that we should give it a couple days and see. 

In the end I recovered, faster than I thought actually, and so did he. He’s dating someone new and seems to be doing well. I’m engaged now to a man that is exactly what I need and we are extremely happy together. I know, like I didn’t last time, that I’m going to be happy long term. It will be hard at first and I would suggest giving yourself a break and letting yourself recover. But in the end, there is someone else, and you’ll find him. And hopefully in the mean time learn more about what you’re looking for and what makes you the happiest.

Best of luck and internet hugs!

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