(Closed) Completely devasted!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Well it certainly is better that he told you finally. You have to decide if you trust him from this point forward, since he originally hid it from you, and if it is a deal breaker. For some people it is not. My hubby used to do drugs until he met me. I never asked him to stop, he just did bc he realized the type of person I was and how I was raised. I am not thrilled about this but do trust that it is in the past. Did your SO say why he felt the need to do weed and coke? My hubby says that now he will be better equipped to not let our children get away with any of that since he knows all the tricks, so at least there is that. What kind of future do you see with your SO?

Post # 18
Member
11519 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

dessilove:  I can actually relate because I’ve been where you are.  When Darling Husband and I first started dating he was a cocaine user.  He wasn’t an addict but he used.  A couple weeks into our relationship he had a breakdown, realized he was heading down a dangerous path and was determined to give it up.

He did, with help from me and a couple of his good friends/roommates we helped him stop & he promised he’d never use again.

About a year later he was out with friends, the friends he used to use with who also happened to be his childhood friends who are like his brothers.  We were living in different cities at the time but when he called me that night I knew he was high.  I asked him, he lied.

When he came to visit about a month later, he fessed up.  I was furious.  I had to leave to go to work, I left him stewing knowing how angry I was.  When I came home, I told him that it wasn’t the fact that he used that upset me, it was the lying and the deciept.  I told him that was a deal breaker.  I forgave him for that one.  I told hime that I know people make mistakes and things happen, but lying to me is unacceptable and that that is a deal breaker for me.

It’s happened once since, he was honest about it, he knew I wasn’t happy but he told me and that was 6 years ago.

It’s up to you if this is a deal breaker for you.  No one else can tell you that.

ETA – you said he can tell you he won’t do it anymore but how would you know?  If you’ve ever seen him high you’ll know there are tells.  I could always tell when Darling Husband had been using, unless he was gone all night I would know.

Post # 19
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

dessilove:  So sorry you are going through this. But it sounds like this is one of those “we love each other but we just dont fit” situations. He has every right to use drugs, you have every right to see that as a deal breaker. Now that the trust has been broken, can you ever get it back? 

Post # 20
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

dessilove:  I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.

My brother is a recovering addict and I know how hard loving an addict can be, at times. 

I just wanted to make sure to tell you to be good to yourself and to your SO, even if it doesn’t work out. Addiction causes so much pain and hurt not only to loved ones, but also to the addicted person.

Just know that this is not your fault, nor is it something you did. The decreased sex drive, increased agitation, and the lying are all common in addiction. 

Take care of yourself and take as much time as you need to think this all over. This is a really tough situation. My heart goes out to you!

Post # 21
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It would be over because he hid it enough to do it a couple of times. And he knew you would not agree and still did it. I would ask yourself how many other things he could be hiding.

Post # 22
Member
12464 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 Do you think there is a possibility he’s telling you this information intentionally, with the hope that you will break up with him? Anyway, discovering that I was dating a closet drug user would be a deal breaker for me. 

Post # 23
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Sedona Golf Resort

dessilove:  as someone who was married almost 10-years to a man with a substance abuse problem-please take this opportunity to ask yourself, is this the life you want for yourself and your future children? Typically it doesn’t just go away, it gets worse before it gets better. As matter of fact, once I knew, it got worse because then he was no longer had to hide it. 

I was never given a choice-I married a man who told me he had NEVER used drugs to only find out 1.5 years into our marriage he did cocaine and heroine And has been using for 15-years. When I finally decided that was not the life I wanted for myself or my daughter (from a previous relationship), I was pregnant. It took another 7-years before I finally left with 2-daughters and he was still using. 

Please, please take this seriously and cannot stress how much I wish I had the opportunity you have. Consider this admission a gift, the gift of choice before you take vows. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers. 

 

Post # 24
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

 

Personally, drugs are a deal breaker for me. Obviously cheating would be as well, but I would not stand by and watch him doing life threatening things and then lie to me about it. You obviously feel strongly about it or you would not be this upset in the first pace. I suggest you sit down and have a serious discussion about his “friends” and how he absolutely has to stop (if that’s what you want) and if you would like to give him another chance, tell him on which grounds that chance is given. You absolutely have to deal with this properly before the wedding. If you were to have kids, would you want this behavious continuing around them?

Post # 25
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Just to offer a different perspective. I used to party quite a bit when I was younger. 36 now but between the ages of 23 and 29 I did coke, e and mushrooms occasionally when at a big party. Usually just drinking. I have always lived in bigger cities where people don’t settle down as fast (i.e no one in my circles got married before 28 or had kids before 32 or so) so it wasn’t that unusual. I also have never been addicted to anything. It was fun and I wouldn’t change a thing except for coke. Dumb idea, but I hardly ever did much at all bc, wait for it, I have a heart condition. Yeah, very very stupid. By the time I met my Darling Husband when I was just about to turn 30 I had settled down quite a bit. He would never tolerate coke use (he’s fine with weed and mushrooms) so that pretty much sealed the deal. Now I am a mother and a professional and the most I party is having 3 cocktails on a “crazy” night out about once a month or so. I do have one friend who is in fact an addict and so she has to steer clear of people/things that are triggers for her.

Anyway, you’re totally entitled to your deal breakers and boundaries and I hope he can honor them. 

Post # 26
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Op, I am a recreational drug user (though not as much as I used to be) and there were a few things I was thinking when reading your post that thought might be a good perspective than those who think any drugs = addiction (no offence to different opinions, I’m not here to preach and I’d prefer if no one preaches to me) I smoke weed regularly and do coke from time to time.

1. Weed and coke are two things which increase your sex drive.  Often, even when the actual affects of the drugs have worn off. The fact he wants sex less is the most alarming thing here IMO. He is either getting it somewhere else or masturbating lots which can lessen your desire for a real woman.

2. He lied to you/kept it a secret. if he wanted to experiment or felt he’d made a mistake, he should have had the balls to tell you.  

what kind of friends is he doing this with?  New friends? Old friends? Work friends? Either way, whether you think drugs are evil, awesome or middle ground, he has totally devalued your relationship and I think that’s the huge issue here.

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