(Closed) completely heartbroken unsure what to do next…

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
264 posts
Helper bee

Well if 350 is all he can save in 5 months or more then why do you need an expensive ring?  If it’s not about the ring then tell him you’ll be happy with a $50 CZ ring for now and upgrade later when you’re more financially stable.

I could say leave it and let it go until he saves up again, but I think this is just going to eat away at you πŸ™  What he said on the phone was a complete lead-on, I don’t blame you for getting so assured and then having your hopes and dreams ripped away from you.

 Talk to him, tell him that you don’t need the $3000 bling, but something small will be fine and that it’s not about the ring for you.  Would you be ok with that?

And car repairs happen love, when we least can afford them for some reason too…  It’s Murphy’s Law.

Post # 4
712 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this πŸ™ I for sure know how freaking hard it can be sometimes.

There are so many times I wanted to “pull away” and “punish” him for not proposing, but I don’t think it’s right. It just makes both of you suffer. I know it’s hard to be patient, but it seems like you’d been doing a great job up until the holidays. I was promised a proposal by the end of last year, then when that didn’t happen, he promised the summer. Well needless to say, here I still am on the waiting boards. Ugh.

If you’re 100% sure he’s the one you want to marry, waiting will be worth it. The time will be right sooner or later πŸ™‚

I think the disappointment will fade with time. It’s all so new right now. Try to focus on yourself. I’ve found reading to be particularly helpful. Unfortunately, spending time on WB doesn’t do much to help me, but I get bored this time of year at work! lol.

Have you looked into diamond alternatives? The boy and I have for sure decided on a moissanite vs. a diamond. The one we’ve chosen has a 1 carat center stone for $1K. (It also comes with a wedding band for this price!) If it were a diamond, we’d be paying $6-7K or more!

I wish you the best of luck, and know that there are others that are feeling the same way as you and you’re not alone!!! On the bright side, at least you know he wants to marry you and be with you, and that’s something not everyone on the board is sure of. You’ve got a lot going for you with just that right there!

I also feel the same as you, we’re acting as a married couple without even being engaged. It really sucks sometimes. We have 2 dogs, I pay all the bills… etc etc. It’s not easy sometimes acting like a wife without being able to be one. But we will someday πŸ™‚ Then… we’ll look back and say “why the HELL did I want a ring so bad?!?” hahaha!

Post # 5
83 posts
Worker bee

@ames12708:  Sorry you are going through this, but if there is anything I’ve learned in this life it is to appreciate what you have and try to limit expectations.

You built yourself and him up so much, setting you both up for complete failure.  Did he know you wanted him to propose those days?  I know we all want that amazing surprise, but that doesn’t always happen (sorry to burst a big old romantic bubble).  Some guys need a nudge in the right direction.

Also, call me new-fashioned, but waiting for a guy to decide when to get married, even the best guy, is outdated, don’t you think?  I mean, yes, we want a guy to propose and make it a special experience, but he needs to know how much you want this.  Talk to him about what you want – you want to marry him. See what he says.  Communication is key.  So is financial stability.  So make sure you’re on the same page first.  Take this time to do that.

Good luck!

Post # 6
1174 posts
Bumble bee

@ames12708:If he is not able to afford a nice ring, you should still marry him if you are in love. I know it can hurt deeply when you have your heart set on something but this intensity will pass. It’s the love and marriage that counts. I seem a bit older than you, trust me your finances will grow in time and you can get the ring you always dreamed of. For now, try to find something for a couple of hundred dollars and get engaged. Also, you may have to have a longer engagement to save money for the wedding. There is no shame with this honey, be resourceful:0) That’s your best attribute as a woman you know, get creative and watch your dreams come true.

Post # 7
3201 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I understand the frustration and disappointment you’re feeling right now, because I’m in the same boat, except I’m not really waiting on a proposal. FH and I have been engaged since September with no ring. At first, it’s what I thought I wanted. I thought I didn’t really care about the ring, and for a little while I really didn’t. But then I got to thinking about it. I DID want the proof of my engagement displayed on my finger. I’m not a big jewelry person, but the engagement and wedding rings were something I realized that I wanted. So, I told FH that I wanted a ring, and we began searching. The first ring I fell in love with was $2000. Eh. FH told me there wasn’t any way for him to get it with the way things were going. So I did some research about moissanite, and HE found a ring that I love, for $600. I was elated. Not only did he find it, but who could beat the price. He started saving. He said he could have the money in a month or so. Dear God, I would have my ring on New Years. But, it never came. I was depressed for lots of reasons. I was upset that I even wanted a ring knowing his/our financial situation. I was upset that he told me we’d get it after Christmas and it never came. I was upset that I was being selfish.

FH also had several setbacks, which is where the money he’d saved went to. Truck repairs, an unexpected college cost (he pays for everything out of pocket because his school picks and chooses the federal aid they want to accept… ugh) and other little things quickly drained all the money that was in my ring fund. FH told me that he should have $200 to put back after his next paycheck, but at this point, I’m skeptical. Before we even got engaged he said he was saving for a ring. He never managed to save a dime…

Sorry, I’ve gone off on a rant here, but I understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t think it’s selfish of you to want an engagement ring. I’ve had the same feelings myself, and everyone tells me it doesn’t make me a bad person to want a ring. I don’t think that pulling away is going to make anything better and you probably won’t be able to shake the feelings you have. Everyone will tell you to focus on everything else, on your relationship, but it’s easier said than done.

My inbox is always open if you need to PM anyone.

Post # 8
264 posts
Helper bee

Like others have said it’s important that you’re also an individual and don’t put all your hopes and dreams into just marrying this guy.  Make sure you have your own life too, with your own friends and hobbies and things to keep yourself occupied and fulfilled.  We don’t need a man do to that for us. πŸ™‚  Him and marrying him is the icing on the cake y’know?

Don’t punish him for having to pay for car repairs.  He’s not a mind reader and didn’t know you were expecting a proposal on New Years eve.  This was beyond his control.  And pulling away will just make everything even worse.

Looking at your other post you made – are you still rooming with that other girl?  You seem to be feeding each other the waiting woes.  Can’t you find something non-male to talk about or do something together which isn’t moping about waiting?  It doesn’t sound too healthy and is VERY obsessive. πŸ™‚

Enjoy your time together.  TALK.  Talk about expectations so that you don’t set you both up for another epic fail in the future.

Post # 9
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I guess at this point you have to convey to your SO what is important to you, being engaged or waiting for him to save enough money to pay for the ring.  You need to sit tight if you want the ring or opt to get a ring that is within his current budget.  Have you thought about helping him save? If he’s not good at saving, then help him by setting up a separate account for it..you can start saving too to help motivate him. 

Post # 10
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

The thing is.. if he really wanted to save for a ring by a certain date for a proposal he could. It sounds like he wants to marry you, but the motivation to actually buy the ring and propose isn’t there. Don’t be too upset with him about that, it’s totally normal. Guys just don’t care as much about getting engaged as we do. And like you said, he has his fun life with an xbox and roomates as well as his loving ‘wife’ whenever he wants it. So he’s in no rush, but the intention is there.

Hopefully, the life he’s living will get old and he’ll want a change which will probably motivate him. But that might take a long time and it doesn’t sound like you can take it mentally. If I were you, I’d let him know how important it is to you to be engaged and that you don’t want to wait much longer lest resentment sets in. Make sure he understands that you don’t mean to sound threatening, but you want him to know how you feel since it’s only fair. At least then, a year from now when you still aren’t engaged and you freak out at him it won’t be from out of nowhere.

It won’t get any better with the pressure on you from your Mom, other family and friends (and complete strangers) to get engaged. But he will never get it, I guarantee you that. You are the only one who will ever put pressure on him or even bring up engagement to him. So it might come as kind of a shock to him in general, but at the end of the day you owe it to him to let him know how you feel.

Post # 11
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Maybe it would help for you and SO to sit down and have a conversation about expectations. I can imagine that you felt very misled when he gave you what seemed like a definite timeline for the proposal, and then reneged at the last minute without giving you any warning. He could have told you about the emergency car repairs instead of leaving you hanging. I’m sure at the time, he thought he was sparing you from disappointment, but he should know now that it only made things worse.

Do you have much knowledge about his financial situation? Do your expectations in terms of the cost of the ring line up realistically with his income? If it took him 5 months to save up $350, that might indicate that he has problems being financially responsible, and you may want to address that with him before getting engaged. Otherwise, maybe he just can’t afford to drop several K on a ring and you should let him know you’re willing to look into diamond alternatives, or even other gemstones. Lots of bees have jaw-droppingly gorgeous rings that cost just a few hundred.

Believe me, I understand the frustration of waiting for a guy to put his money where his mouth is. I think openly communicating and getting on the same page together goes a long way toward avoiding future disappointment.

Post # 12
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Then I start to think that I shouldnt feel this way, that i should be willing to get engaged without a ring. he says the only reason we arent is because he cant afford a ring, so lets just do it without a ring. But I do want a beautiful ring. and now i feel like thats wrong. is it?

I’m confused. It sounds like your man is ready to get engaged but now you don’t want to get engaged unless he has a ring for you? So unless he has a ring, you won’t accept a proposal from him?  If I’m interpreting this correctly, girl, you have a great guy who wants to marry you! Why are you crying every day? Maybe he’s a little broke, but life happens and life is expensive!

If you keep crying every day and as you put it “pull away and pay less attention and affection to my SO?” you run the risk of ruining what you already have.

Post # 14
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

With him paying rent and you paying rent, wouldn’t it be more cost effective for you to live in one place and share one rent?  That way, you’d both be saving money.

Just a suggestion.

Post # 15
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ames12708:  First, I’m sorry you were dissapointed.  That stinks.

I’m not completely sure what advise to offer because there’s a lot missing from your story (its impossible to include every detail, I know.)

Why was your bf only able to save $350 in five months time?  Is that because he just doesn’t make a lot of money right now to save or he does make okay money but isn’t good with it?  If its the former then I think you need to cut him some slack.  If its the latter, that’s an issue that needs some attention.

I don’t think you’re wrong to want a ring but if you are the one who doesn’t want to get engaged without one, well…there you are.  That’s not a critisism, its just a choice you’re making.  Also – is your boyfriend under the impression you want a ring that (for his budget) is very expensive?  If so, again, its a matter of choices.  There are tons of rings that don’t cost a lot of money. 

It sounds like your bf wants to be engaged – that’s great!  Its not like he’s telling you he’s not ready.  If you would be dissapointed or resentful by getting engaged or married without a ring or a formal wedding, then don’t do it.  But then, you have to accept waiting as the price you pay for having the ring and wedding you want. 

If however, the problem is your boyfriend isn’t making saving for a ring a priority (he could do it but isn’t), then that is an issue and perhaps taking a step back isn’t out of the question.  But I don’t get that impression from your story.  Don’t step back because you’re angry your not getting what you want when you want it.  If he’s truly doing the best he can to give you what you want, you shouldn’t punish him.

Good luck! 

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