(Closed) completely heartbroken unsure what to do next…

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

how long have you been together?

Do you think he is generally not responsible with money, or just the money you think he should be saving for a ring? 

Does he have a decent, stable job?

Maybe he feels like he is unable to support a wife/family (can’t buy the ring he wants either) so the pressure is impacting him. 

If you really love him, let it go and let him figure it out.  If you really want to get married to him, you should let him get there.  Otherwise, if you just want to get married you might need to step back and evaluate your relationship and what you get out of it. 

And consider living together if you can, not just to save money, but because going from not living together to doing so shows you a lot about a person and whether you can stand being married to that person!

Post # 33
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I like the idea of saving together/competitative saving if you think he’d go for it, but many men feel it’s their job to get the ring, partly to show they can support a wife (even though most owmen continue to work, at least until a baby comes along, a lot of men still feel this way).  I have another suggestion if you’re wanting the symbol of the ring, but at a lower cost – what about your birthstone?  I fell in love with that idea after watching the re-make of The Time Machine, where the main character proposes with a moonstone ring, of all things, because it’s her birthstone, which makes it a unique ring for her.  Now some birthstones are almost as pricey as diamonds, but some, like mine – the aquamarine, are super-pretty, and cost far less than a diamond, and can even be found with accent side stones for much much less than a diamond of comparable size, or even moissanite for that matter.  Also, I’ve seen some ladies on here looking into different white topaz or sapphires as a diamond alternative, and in the Rings board, I even saw some beautiful CZ rings. The “traditional” diamond engagement/bethothal ring is a fairly new concept in the realm of human civilization, and even Prince William proposed with a “non-traditional” ring.  If it’s good enough for royalty, it’s good enough for me πŸ˜›  Also, if you get a non-diamond e-ring, you can always look together for a pretty wedding band to enhance it.

I could never feel comfortable, with our finances, knowing my guy had paid more than $300-$900 on something for my hand.  I’ve even found deals online on places like Etsy with beautiful, unique rings and sets that cost a LOT less than your chain jewelers (my BF’s younger brother just proposed this fall with what I’m sure (okay, I got nosey and looked it up on Kay) was a 4K ring set from Kay Jewelers – and he only works as a cook in a sandwich shop – I feel horrible he spent so much and had to go into debt for it).  Of course, I have yet to show these to my BF, because he’s working on cleaning up his finances right now, so the last thing he needs is me emailing him rings.

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time right now, and I don’t understand your BF’s text message telling you to come home so he can verfiy you’re going to be married – I think that falls into the “did he understand what that means to ME?” category of guy-speak.  It sounds horrible, but try your best to keep your expectations low, DON’T allow yoursef to get your hopes up if you can avoid it.  Go for saving up some money of your own, even if he won’t let you put it towards a ring – you can always use it for the wedding πŸ™‚

Post # 34
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

I liked the post suggesting your birthstone.  I for one can’t go that route because my birthstone IS a diamond.  Go figure.  I totally understand that a ring is important to you, I feel the same way.  I would be happy with an inexpensive ring.  I think it’s crazy, unless one is rich, to spend more than $1,500 on a ring…..I just couldn’t live with it knowing that my SO had to go into debt to buy me a ring.  I’d rather have a memorable honeymoon, or a more lavish wedding if that money must be spent.   Honestly, it’s jewelry.  Important jewelry but the size and cost does not equate to how much he loves you.

There could be more than the ring going on here – like others have said he may be not completely ready or he could feel that he needs to get you a nice ring because that’s what’s expected not by you, but by society.

My friend just got engaged and her SO has tons of money.  Got her a 3.65c diamond – had to be $8,000 +.   It’s beautiful and I’m very happy for her but honestly I’d be just as happy if my SO spent $500 and got on his knees to propose. 

Bling is beautiful, but love is all there really is.  And it’s free…..

Post # 35
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ames12708:  I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad.  Sometimes it feels impossible to not get your hopes up.  The letdown is absolutely horrible.  I’ve been there, I get it.  Please feel free to shoot me a private message if you’d like to chat to someone who has definitely been there!  I hope you have a great day today and are able to get your mind off of things.

Post # 36
Member
683 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

This is what I think: Spend $350 on a ring and get engaged now.
You will love the symbol and you can get some really pretty fake bling for that price.

Then he can save money and you can get your dream wedding ring.

I think he should really look into what he can get with the money he has so far. 

Waiting is hard and it starts to put stress on the relationship. You deserve your dream ring…but maybe you can get it on your wedding day instead. Also..no reason that you can get a big diamond e-looking ring on your wedding day.

Another IDEA!

Get a $350 wedding ring. Totally do-able.

He can pop the question with that. Then on your wedding day he can present you with a pretty rock and put that on your finger.

Think outside the box hun. There are a lot of options and don’t let the lack of money get you down. If we all waited until we have enough $…we would never do anything. Work with what you have and find a way to make it work.

There are possibilities….I promise!  ((HUGS))

Post # 37
Member
683 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

The more I think about it…I really like this idea:

Get a band. Have him propose with that. Use than as your wedding ring and on your wedding day …have him put a diamond on your finger. πŸ™‚

You can get a very pretty wedding ring for $350…even with diamonds. Maybe he can get a band. Then because you would wear it as your wedding ring later,,,it would still be a very special ring πŸ™‚

Post # 38
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

That’s a great idea.  I like this out of the box thinking.  Will ya’ll tell my SO?  Just kidding, I don’t think money is the hold-up for him.

 

πŸ™‚

 

Good luck.

Post # 39
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@spraguebride: Part of the problem contributing to the disappointment is that the $350 had to be re-alocated from a ring-fund to fix a car.  Cars can suck πŸ™

I have a friend who eloped this fall, and they got matching wedding bands on etsy for about $20, each – WITH engraving.  I’ve also seen some awesome posts on cool alternative ideas things like wooden rings (I’d actually go for that, too, for a wedding band, but you’ve got to be asked first).

That said, while many ladies on here are fine without an e-ring, many think thy’ll be fine but aren’t once family and friends question if the engagement is “real” if she’s not got a ring of some sort on her hand.

I think part of what may have happened, which can happen all too easily, if that the OP’s SO simply miscalculated how long it would take to save up what he thought would be needed to buy her a ring, and possibly with things like the holidays didn’t ahve as much avaialbe to put aside as he intended, and then got whammyed with car trouble.

My guy is pretty bad about figuring out real-world costs for things – if he’s in an optimistic mood, he undercalculates to be sadly surpirsed, if he’s feeling glass-is-half-empty, her super-OVER calculates to the point of discouraging himself from actually shopping for an item.  I used to sell men’s clothes in a department store.  Men shop differently than ladies.  They want to walk in, see what they want and buy it in less than 10 minutes, usually.  With regard to electronics or vehicles, they might do some research, and I’m sure guys who have no qualms about spending a large chunk of their earnings on a pretty rock will learn all the Cs, but the hunter in them works a little differently from the gatherer in us.  Most women I know will take some time to look at everything, be it clothes or a computer, judge based on price and find out if it’s cheaper somewhere else…etc.  While many men want to go ring shopping on their own so it’s totally their decision and gift, they are probably not always aware of alternative ways to find something like an e-ring other than the chain store in the shopping mall, or the local jewelry store.  They also seem to assume that the stone size is the be-all-end-all of their ladies’ happiness and unless they can be told otherwise, think they will need to shell out mega bucks for it. 

View original reply
@ames12708: Don’t give up all hope, but try to let things go for now, if you can.  Ignore the jewelry commercials on TV, make plans to do things you enoy, both alone and together.  Trust me, I’ve felt the disappointment bug many MANY times and have little hope for anyhting any time soon in my own life – expectations and that kernal of hope each holiday can really be a b!tch.  But, you DO have a relationship that has made you love each other enough to want to marry him, and for him to take more steps than many guys towards marrying you.  Try to be the happy, loving lady he fell in love with – that should help him past any possible cold feet.

Post # 40
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

What is it with some women thinking men can save thousands in a short period? LIFE happens. Rent/food/bills/insurance/and emergencies come first. Car repairs suck. Now granted he can cancel all of his luxuries like cable, cell phone, internet, gym memberships, ect to save.

Anyway, it sounds like he cares and he wants to get you a pretty awesome ring. It sounds like you just want to be engaged and get married. Why are you making yourself this sad over a ring? Hasn’t he promised that he wants to marry? Do you agree with that? Then guess what? You are engaged! The ring is a bonus.

If you don’t care about a ring, then tell him to get a CZ ring for now and plan your wedding. You can always get another one later. Show him that you want the marriage more than the ring and wedding.

how about you save up together? Unless you are into the uber traditional roles in this situation, I don’t see any problem with you helping contribute towards a ring you want.

Someone said guys don’t care about getting engaged as much as women do and that’s not true. We just get sick of everything wedding related as soon as the word marriage comes up. It’s like some women don’t even think about the marriage. All they can see is bridesmaids dresses and what photography package they want.

I suggest you sit down with him and let him know that you only want to be married to him. The ring is a bonus. Sure it’s nice, but it sounds like you want things happening now.

Post # 41
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Mr. Tattoo: how about you save up together? I think the OP is already planning on doing this.

Post # 42
Member
2148 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Mr. Tattoo: I have to disagree with you on this one. OPs Fiance told her that he would have the ring in 5 months. Now if he didn’t think he could meet that timeframe, the time to wave the caution flag is not at month 4.75. I am sure he knew well before the 5 month mark that he wouldn’t be proposing so why not be honest about it. It doesn’t seem as if the OP is asking for some huge, expensive ring. I have never been in the “waiting” situation but I know that it would frustrate me to no end to have somebody tell me one thing and then do something else. 

Post # 44
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@ames12708: there seems to be a ton of replies but I wanted to add one more bc it is so much like my own “wait”. In Sept my SO told me “lets go ring shopping late Oct.” I was ecstatic! Smile from ear to ear and feet didn’t touch the ground for a long time. Well, Oct came, I asked when he wanted to go shopping…… He always had an excuse to not go. We were also going to move in together at the end of Dec bc my lease was ending and he knew I wanted to be engaged before I lived with him. One day early in Nov we had a good talk, sounds like the one you guys had. I asked if he wanted to marry me, what happened to ring shopping? Whats going to happen with moving in? Basically he had been saving money and had to spend it all on his car. I was sad, I know he loves me, I know it bc he proves it every day by the way he looks at me, treats me, and cares for me! But life didn’t happen the way we planned. I was really mad for a while. It took some time for me to realize that if it is meant to happen, it will happen. So our timeline is pushed back. I am a planner and I can not tell you how much I hated that my plans had to be reworked… So frustrating! Anyway, now we seem to be doing better than ever, he knows I won’t kick his a$$ every time his plans don’t go through or he hits a rough patch. I have been focusing on how I would want someone to treat me if I was in his shoes. Yes I am disappointed, but I am so proud of us and our communication to get through this. I know this has been a long post but my last thought is that men need to feel like men. They have an instinct to provide and the ring seems to be a big deal for them. It is proof that they can provide for us and take care of us. My SO doesn’t want any help and gets frustrated when I bring up moissanite, I would prefer it even if the price was double diamonds. I hope you guys grow from this and that you can find comfort soon. I just can’t believe how much our stories lined up!

Post # 45
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@ames12708: I’m glad you’re feeling better after your talk. But… isn’t it a bit worrying that he never even looked up prices… at all? I mean, when he said he was saving for your ring, he didn’t have any particular goal in mind? Well, then I’m not surprised that he only managed to save $350. And at least he gave you a timeline before. This time it sounds like there is no timeline at all. I’m not trying to rain on your parade, but I’m worried for you that you’ll be disappointed all over again.

I obviously don’t know him like you do, but it sounds like more open communication might be necessary. I also know that I can’t generalize his whole personality from this one mistake, but what you’ve described reminds me so much of my ex. He was full of good intentions – he sincerely wanted all the best for me – he just had such a hard time following through. If I didn’t make my expectations 100% clear, he’d get complacent and let his obligations slide.

The part where you said you gave up doing anything that cost money especially rang a bell… when I was dating my ex I put no financial pressure on him at all. Whenever we went out, I paid. I bought him whatever he needed. I thought I was helping, but really I was just enabling him to continue coasting along, enjoying the perks of our relationship without any of the responsibility.

Again, not trying to bum you out but just giving you a heads up for potential hazards. I truly hope your BF comes through as promised.

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