(Closed) completely heartbroken unsure what to do next…

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 48
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@ames12708: That’s awesome news! I’m so glad your SO is not one of those guys… and I’m sorry I suggested that he might be. Keep us updated!

Post # 49
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hi there.  Happy New Year all! I dunno if I have much to add except to say I’m very glad he wanted to go on line with you to look at rings.  but here are a few of my thoughts:

One, I do NOT think you’re engaged as some have suggested on here… at least, not until your honey seals it with something and actually asks you to marry him (or the two of you make that decision concretely and together).

And two, I do NOT think you’re super-focused on a ring — you sound flexible as can be (we’d be friends on the ‘outside’ for sure!); you just want to put a name on what you have together and start making plans for your future together.

Three — I agree with a lot of the PPs that there are some really, really pretty sterling silver rings out there with colored stones (birthstones) in them, like topaz (comes in lots of diff colors) or quartz (light colors too) and these can be just over $100 (no kidding).

Fourth — your guy may (may) have a problem with money; he may be a bit careless, so watch it.  and he may actually have a problem with commitment.  You weren’t hearing things; you didn’t make it up.  He told you late July that it’d be five months.  I also agree with some of the PPs that there are always car repairs and medical bills and so forth — a promise is a promise and he could have come up with something to propose when he said he would.  Personally, I hate it when a guy keeps moving the goal posts back (or a boss or a friend or anybody).  It’s unfair and keeps us running and slipping on the ice.  No fair at all.  You might talk to him about this and point out to him that you’re not nagging or begging.  You love him, you want this, you’re terribly disappointed… and btw, you’re a little concerned at how seriously (or NOT) he kept a promise to you.

Post # 50
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Ok am I the only one thinking logically?! ames12708 must be young because no grown woman would care this much about a ring or engagement. When you get engaged, NOTHING changes. You still love him, he still loves you, your day to day lives are the same. Except maybe you get some attention for the fact that you just got engaged but that only last a couple weeks, if that. 

More importantly, if he can afford a ring, how are you going to afford a wedding?! You are talking about how he was only able to save $350 in about 4-5 months. If thats the case, you wouldn’t be getting married til you were close to dead at that rate! You do realize how much wedding cost right? Average is over $20k, of course it can be done for less but not much less than $5-10k.

My advice would be to just chill out, let it happen when the time is right and so is he.

Post # 51
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@jayswifey: Hey, ease up. ames already addressed that earlier in this thread:

“he has not tried to propose without a ring. he has not done anything along those lines at all.

honestly i do not think he would even if i suggested it. and if he did i would accept, i’m just starting to feel like i should give up on wanting a ring and telling him he should just propose empty handed if thats what he wants to do i’ll accept.”

It’s clearly not all about the ring.

Post # 52
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I didn’t say it was all about the ring too, I think she’s overly worried about a ring AND/OR engagement in general.

Post # 55
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@ames12708 — you’re most welcome.  I had to wait a bit, too.  I’m not sure which is worse now because in my case my (now new) husband just froze up when I tried to talk engagement and marriage and never gave me any sense of a timeline or even whether we’d go that route at all! Those conversations were chilling, let me tell you! Then he was suddenly ready, many months (maybe a year all told) after I was.  But I can tell you that if he gave me dates or rough ideas about when – and then, as I already said, moved the goal posts back, I’d really want to talk to him about it because this is a dynamic (and a practice) that some guys like to instil in a relationship, I think, and it’s pretty awful for the kind, waiting gal on the other side.  My first husband did it all the time — with having a baby among other things.  It’s controlling as heck and it was Brutal.

Post # 56
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I really really like a previous poster’s idea of getting the wedding band for engagement. Even one with small diamonds/moissanite/gemstones in it. And then on your wedding day you can get the “rock”-type ring. That way you accomplish your objective of having the ring he proposes with be something you wear forever but it won’t break the bank.

If it were me I’d do that in a heartbeat! Especially since I am not much of a jewelwry person so picking out an engagement ring would be hard for me.  And with the financial constraints, that would make everybody happy.

 

Post # 57
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@jayswifey:  If you had actually read any of her replies you would know this isn’t true.  Sorry, but that was just rude. 

To the OP, I’m glad that you guys can have these conversations together in a way civilized manner and that you are able to bring it up without stewing silently.  I wish you the best of luck, and it sounds like you guys are happy, and in the end, that’s all that matters.  Keep us posted, of course, and hope you have a great weekend! 

Post # 58
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

When my now-husband first mentioned that he could see himself asking me to be his wife one day, we were both in school, supported by our parents and not saving very much money. He asked his parents if there was an heirloom ring in the family (there wasn’t) and his mother told him that he should wait on proposing to me until he could afford a ring.

A ring. That was the only thing holding us back from getting engaged. When he told me what his mother had said, I realized just how much I wanted to be married to this man, and how insignificant a ring seemed in that moment. Sure, it’s nice to show it off, and to have an actual physical symbol of your engagement and all that, but in comparison to the big picture, it didn’t matter as much to me as I thought it would.

I told him that I really didn’t need a ring in order to feel like I was actually engaged to him, but he had his heart set on giving me a traditional, down-on-one-knee, ring-in-the-box proposal. “I’m going to surprise you, probably over a romantic dinner in a crowded restaurant,” he said. 

So we met halfway. We found a beautiful and unique CZ ring, and we split the already-low cost. And just like he promised, he surprised me with the proposal in a crowded restaurant. We upgraded that lovely little ring to one with a small diamond several months later, after he was finished with school. I wore the original CZ ring on my wedding day. 

To the OP: I don’t want you to think I’m preaching to you here. I understand how much attention is paid to the ring, and the “rule” that a man needs to spend at least 3-months’ salary on it. I’m offering my story in hopes that it will help you reflect on how significant a ring is to YOU. If you ignore all the expectations that society dumps on guys when it comes to buying an engagement ring, does it still matter to you how much he spends on it? Does a ring represent more to you than simply a physical symbol of engagement? Would you consider yourself “engaged” if your finger stays bare?

Whatever your realizations, I hope you get some peace of mind soon.

Post # 59
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Since the surprise element is obviously beyond gone at this point, why don’t you just get engaged without the ring, and help him save up for the one you want/

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