Post # 1
I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a dilemma…
I’ve always kept a small circle and knew before I was engaged who I would ask to be my bridesmaids (my sister, FI’s sister, two best girlfriends from high school, best girlfriend from grad school). My high school friends and my sister still live in our hometown, while myself and the other bridesmaids live on the east coast. Even though I moved away 6-7 years ago, when I visit home, I make it a point to spend time with my high school friends. One of my best friends from high school, let’s call her Jenna, got engaged a few months before I did – I found out on facebook. Ever since Jenna met her now Fiance, she’s been missing out on our catch up sessions. I totally understand that she can’t be expected to clear her schedule just because I scheduled a trip home, but we’ve always made time for each other. I waited to ask any of the bridesmaids until I got some one-on-one girl time with Jenna to clear the air. I was hurt that she seemed so distant and that she didn’t feel it was important to share her engagement over the phone rather than social media. Long story short, we cleared up a lot of things and a few weeks afterwards, I asked all 5 girls to be part of my wedding. 4 of the 5 called the minute they received their cards and said yes. Jenna didn’t check her mail for weeks, to the point I called her to make sure she had gotten a card from me. She also said yes, but that she might be unavailable at times because she was planning her own wedding. Before Fiance and I locked in our date and venue, I had checked with Jenna to make sure we weren’t planning anything too close to their planned dates. She wanted spring 2018 and we wanted fall 2017, so she said there was no issue. After accepting the bridesmaid proposal, Jenna and Fiance are suddenly looking at fall 2017 dates and in the same month as us! It’s been about 2 months since all this happened, and Jenna still hasn’t finalized a date or venue for her wedding. My other bridesmaids are well into planning their dresses and other pre-wedding events. I’ve reached out to Jenna regularly asking how things are going or just trying to catch up in general, and she’s back to being spotty on responding or just not responding at all.
My Fiance thinks it’s time to tell Jenna she needs to get on board or she’s out. I don’t know how to have that conversation with her… any advice to what to do?
Post # 2
Honestly I think Jenna is over your friendship and was pulling away. I don’t think she cares about being part of your wedding or sharing hers with you. Frankly, I think your best bet is to disinvite Jenna from being part of your bridal party. I think you can just say “Jenna, from my understanding, you are really busy planning your wedding and I don’t want my wedding to impact your wedding planning. I think it would be best for both of us for you to not be part of my wedding but I hope you will still be able to attend”. Chances are she will jump it on the out and she may or may not accept a wedding invite.
Post # 3
“Hey Jenna, I totally understand how stressful wedding planning is and now that you’ve moved up the date of your big day I totally understand if you are unable to stand up for me in my wedding. I would still love to have you there as a guest, but don’t want to be adding to your already crazy list of things to do!”
Unfortunately, nobody is as interested in your wedding as you are. You are probably just way down on her list of things to do. I know it sucks. I had a friend bail like 3 days before my first wedding. It just wasn’t that important to her. We are still friends 17 years later. It wasn’t the end of the world.
Post # 4
‘Get on board’?
She accepted, yes? Said she could be there day of, and in the dress?
If so, what does she need to get on board with? She’s planning her own wedding and is busy. Even if she wasn’t I’m not sure what else you’re expecting of her?
Post # 5
Agree with desertgypsy on giving her a potential way out, but also understand what the role of a bridesmaid is. A bridesmaid is someone that you have asked to stand up with you on your wedding day. In addition to buying the dress you ask her to buy, and actually showing up, she has no obligations to your wedding unless you communicated this with her.
Talk with her about what she’s able to do. She was clear with you in saying she was not going to be very available, which is understandable. She doesn’t have any other obligations unless you communicate them.
Definitely talk to her, but I’m guessing she still does want to be a part of it, just doesn’t have it in her head that she has any other obligations. As long as you’re okay with that, don’t stress about it. Enjoy planning the details with the bridesmaids who are wanting to help, and as long as she is still willing to buy the dress and show up, you don’t need to be concerned with her lack of involvment with the other items.
Post # 6
What exactly are you looking for from her?
As busy and involved as you are in your wedding, she is in hers and that’s pretty much it…
Ultimatums have no place in a friendship, even when you’re getting married. If she wanted to talk to you – she would. She might have a lot going on right now, as many Bees that post on this board with their day to day issues and questions and stressors – she’s probably right in the mix – would you really feel like calling someone to talk about the stuff you needed to do for their wedding on top of that?
Keep her posted, make sure she knows the where and whens and have fun with the people that show up!
Post # 7
penguin14 : I agree with a PP, I dont understand what she needs to get on board with?
I have a bridesmaid who got engaged after me, picked a wedding date two weeks before my wedding, wont make it to any of my showers, or my bachelorette party (I am still attending all of her things)… BUT who cares! She is doing the best she can working/ planning her own wedding. We still have a great relationship and try to talk when we can, but things are so busy right now!
We all have different situations, and different things going on. I dont think this is worth losing a friend over because you want her to pay more attention to your stuff when she is really busy. Your wedding DAY is about you, not your wedding month/ year. As long as she shows up on the big day, I say cut her some slack!
Post # 8
It stinks that she’s preoccupied and not as responsive as you would like her to be. But there is nothing to “get on board” with. I mean, really, your post makes it sound like she’s not planning and picking out details for HER wedding enough fast enough for your liking to determine just how much of your thunder she might steal. It sounds pretty petty.
All she has to do is buy a dress and walk down an aisle the day of. If she decides to not do that, then I guess she has removed herself from the wedding. Unless you’re ready to kick your friendship to the curb for good, you shouldn’t be kicking her out. If your friendship is drifting, well, it can drift naturally after the wedding. Otherwise, communicate to her what she needs to know (date, location, dress she needs to wear, if there’s a rehearsal) and assume she’s “on board” with all those things she needs to be “on board” with until you hear otherwise.
Post # 9
Update: Some of these comments are just not helpful, and frankly a little rude. All I asked of her is to be there on the day of and the rehersal the night before. The dresses are actually mix and match, so it’s completely up to her what she’d like to buy. Jenna moved her wedding up after we had talked about not stepping on her toes since she was engaged first and is now thinking of a destination wedding out of the country, which would mean she won’t be back in time for my wedding. I do need an answer from her relatively soon on whether she can show up. She said yes, but if she’s on her honeymoon or still doing wedding things at her destination, then I kind of need to know. I’m fine not being invited to her wedding at all, I’m also fine with her missing any/all of my pre-wedding activities. I have been EXTRA careful to make sure no one feels any pressure to be part of anything wedding related that they don’t want to be a part of.
lovelyfleur86 : desertgypsy : BeeKittyC : Thanks for your feedback – I’m leaning this way too, give her an easy out and let her decide if she can still make it with her updated plans.
Nona99 : annabananabee : This isn’t an ultimatum on our friendship and calling me petty is just being mean for no reason. I hope her wedding is everything she dreamed of because she’s my friend and I care about her. I haven’t asked her a single thing for my wedding yet, but I’ve been trying to catch up on how things are going for her. Going radio silent for weeks at a time isn’t helpful.
Post # 10
I’m totally confused by all the bees on here who are confused about OP needing her bridesmaid to be “on board”. I think that’s OP’s first post clearly stated that she’s not expecting anything over and beyond from Jenna. Jenna is also taking weeks upon weeks to check her mail, and return calls for simple questions. To me, that is not a reliable friend, or bridesmaid- even if he only requirement is to buy a dress and show up. The whole point, as it seems many of you are missing, is that Jenna is refusing to communicate. OP is certainly within her rights to be concerned because her friend is not keeping her in the loop about things. OP seems more than considerate of her friend by having initially tried to plan around her friends original wedding date.
OP, when you get a hold of your friend just let her know that you understand her schedule must be hectic but that you want to check in to make sure she’s still okay for your plans. If she’s unsure, let her know that you’d love to just have her at your wedding as a guest to minimize the craziness for her. And that’s it- send her an invite as you would anyone else and wait for the rsvp to see if she can make it. It’s not an ultimatum- it’s you being considerate of her needs, giving her a way out if she needs (if she can’t even make time to call or text, it’s not surprising that she can’t even go look for a bridesmaid dress), and also taking care of your own plans and minimizing the stressors in your life.
Post # 11
Jenna does not consider you as close of a friend as you consider her. Thats okay! This is someone you were friends with in highschool and many times once you graduate you grow apart from these people. Jenna has pretty much made it clear that she doesn’t want to or have the time to be involved in your wedding and it seems like she’s only going along with things because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Personally, I’d stop reaching out to her. Continue to plan with your other girls and move forward with them. If Jenna doesn’t contact you then obviously she won’t be in the wedding, and you have your answer.