Completely MIA Bridesmaid

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
25 posts
Newbee

Honestly I think Jenna is over your friendship and was pulling away.  I don’t think she cares about being part of your wedding or sharing hers with you.  Frankly, I think your best bet is to disinvite Jenna from being part of your bridal party. I think you can just say “Jenna, from my understanding, you are really busy planning your wedding and I don’t want my wedding to impact your wedding planning. I think it would be best for both of us for you to not be part of my wedding but I hope you will still be able to attend”.  Chances are she will jump it on the out and she may or may not accept a wedding invite.

Post # 3
Hostess
4029 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

“Hey Jenna, I totally understand how stressful wedding planning is and now that you’ve moved up the date of your big day I totally understand if you are unable to stand up for me in my wedding.  I would still love to have you there as a guest, but don’t want to be adding to your already crazy list of things to do!” 

Unfortunately, nobody is as interested in your wedding as you are.  You are probably just way down on her list of things to do.  I know it sucks.  I had a friend bail like 3 days before my first wedding.  It just wasn’t that important to her.  We are still friends 17 years later.  It wasn’t the end of the world. 

Post # 4
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

‘Get on board’? 

She accepted, yes? Said she could be there day of, and in the dress?

If so, what does she need to get on board with? She’s planning her own wedding and is busy. Even if she wasn’t I’m not sure what else you’re expecting of her?

Post # 5
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Agree with desertgypsy on giving her a potential way out, but also understand what the role of a bridesmaid is. A bridesmaid is someone that you have asked to stand up with you on your wedding day. In addition to buying the dress you ask her to buy, and actually showing up, she has no obligations to your wedding unless you communicated this with her.

 

Talk with her about what she’s able to do. She was clear with you in saying she was not going to be very available, which is understandable. She doesn’t have any other obligations unless you communicate them.

Definitely talk to her, but I’m guessing she still does want to be a part of it, just doesn’t have it in her head that she has any other obligations. As long as you’re okay with that, don’t stress about it. Enjoy planning the details with the bridesmaids who are wanting to help, and as long as she is still willing to buy the dress and show up, you don’t need to be concerned with her lack of involvment with the other items.

Post # 6
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

What exactly are you looking for from her?

As busy and involved as you are in your wedding, she is in hers and that’s pretty much it…

Ultimatums have no place in a friendship, even when you’re getting married.  If she wanted to talk to you – she would.  She might have a lot going on right now, as many Bees that post on this board with their day to day issues and questions and stressors – she’s probably right in the mix – would you really feel like calling someone to talk about the stuff you needed to do for their wedding on top of that?

Keep her posted, make sure she knows the where and whens and have fun with the people that show up!

 

Post # 7
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

penguin14 :  I agree with a PP, I dont understand what she needs to get on board with?

I have a bridesmaid who got engaged after me, picked a wedding date two weeks before my wedding, wont make it to any of my showers, or my bachelorette party (I am still attending all of her things)… BUT who cares! She is doing the best she can working/ planning her own wedding. We still have a great relationship and try to talk when we can, but things are so busy right now!

We all have different situations, and different things going on. I dont think this is worth losing a friend over because you want her to pay more attention to your stuff when she is really busy. Your wedding DAY is about you, not your wedding month/ year. As long as she shows up on the big day, I say cut her some slack! 

Post # 8
Member
4602 posts
Honey bee

It stinks that she’s preoccupied and not as responsive as you would like her to be.  But there is nothing to “get on board” with.  I mean, really, your post makes it sound like she’s not planning and picking out details for HER wedding enough fast enough for your liking to determine just how much of your thunder she might steal.  It sounds pretty petty. 

All she has to do is buy a dress and walk down an aisle the day of.  If she decides to not do that, then I guess she has removed herself from the wedding.  Unless you’re ready to kick your friendship to the curb for good, you shouldn’t be kicking her out.  If your friendship is drifting, well, it can drift naturally after the wedding.  Otherwise, communicate to her what she needs to know (date, location, dress she needs to wear, if there’s a rehearsal) and assume she’s “on board” with all those things she needs to be “on board” with until you hear otherwise. 

Post # 10
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

I’m totally confused by all the bees on here who are confused about OP needing her bridesmaid to be “on board”. I think that’s OP’s first post clearly stated that she’s not expecting anything over and beyond from Jenna. Jenna is also taking weeks upon weeks to check her mail, and return calls for simple questions. To me, that is not a reliable friend, or bridesmaid- even if he only requirement is to buy a dress and show up. The whole point, as it seems many of you are missing, is that Jenna is refusing to communicate. OP is certainly within her rights to be concerned because her friend is not keeping her in the loop about things. OP seems more than considerate of her friend by having initially tried to plan around her friends original wedding date. 

OP, when you get a hold of your friend just let her know that you understand her schedule must be hectic but that you want to check in to make sure she’s still okay for your plans. If she’s unsure, let her know that you’d love to just have her at your wedding as a guest to minimize the craziness for her. And that’s it- send her an invite as you would anyone else and wait for the rsvp to see if she can make it. It’s not an ultimatum- it’s you being considerate of her needs, giving her a way out if she needs (if she can’t even make time to call or text, it’s not surprising that she can’t even go look for a bridesmaid dress), and also taking care of your own plans and minimizing the stressors in your life. 

Post # 11
Member
10027 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Jenna does not consider you as close of a friend as you consider her. Thats okay! This is someone you were friends with in highschool and many times once you graduate you grow apart from these people. Jenna has pretty much made it clear that she doesn’t want to or have the time to be involved in your wedding and it seems like she’s only going along with things because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Personally, I’d stop reaching out to her. Continue to plan with your other girls and move forward with them. If Jenna doesn’t contact you then obviously she won’t be in the wedding, and you have your answer. 

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