- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2019
I’ve looked at this page a lot over the last few months and I’ve seen a lot of really helpful comments on the threads. I’m hoping to get some advice from bees who have maybe been in a similar situation. I’m feeling more depressed than I’ve ever felt in my life and I could really use some help. Apologies in advance for the length and detail.
Background – I am going to be 32 in a couple of weeks, I earned my graduate degree a few years ago and I work in the healthcare industry. I have a big family: parents who I adore, a twin sister who is married with 4 children (1 of them a newborn) and several other brothers and sisters. We are very close and get together regularly. Everyone lives within an hour of each other.
Because I was single, I took on some traveling jobs after completing my Masters degree even though I planned to settle down close to my family at some point. I have a hard time being homesick but found it was healthy for me to push myself out of my comfort zone. Early last year, I reluctantly took a job in another state – in a VERY rural area (I’m used to big cities/neighborhoods) about a 10 hour drive from where my family lives. It was only for 13 weeks so I agreed to it. As soon as I got there I couldn’t wait to leave. The town I lived in was borederline creepy to me as were all the surrounding towns, and it was at least an hour drive to do any decent shopping, restaurants, etc.
A couple weeks into my stay there I met a great guy who is exactly 6 years younger than me (he was 25 at the time). I was attracted to him but extremely hesistant about the age difference. He lived with his parents which I didn’t like, but I also understood how terrible the rental market was in the area and he seemed extremely mature in all areas of his life. He had saved enough money living at home that he would be able to buy a house without a mortgage, so there was a lot to be said for that. Also, I LOVED his parents. I sensed that his mother had a slightly unhealthy attachment to him from the beginning, but since it wasn’t the other way around and I really liked his mother, it didn’t bother me too much.
The weeks progressed and we fell madly in love. I extended my contract twice to give our relationship a chance. I never really made any friends as it was difficult in that town to begin with and I spent all my time with him, his parents, and his sister/BIL. We had everything in common, and everyone knew that we were a great match. We were outdoorsy together, went to church together, took weekend trips, etc. I was shocked that a guy in this area with that age difference could end up being the one for me, but I was so happy to have found him. In August of last year, I quit the traveling gig and took a more permanent job with a school system that is up in June of this year.
We had discussed the idea of where to live a few times but never very seriously. I really didn’t like where we lived but I told him I that I loved him so much that I could probably make it work if I had to. He, on the other hand, made it clear that he was extremely hesistant to move closer to my family as the notion of moving away “scared” him. We discussed the possibility of moving to a city in between our families and even took some weekend trips to check them out. I could tell he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of moving but he left it open as a possibility. This was our biggest difference; he is far less experienced than I and has never been away from home. I should also mention that his family owns about 70 acres of property that he has always wanted to build a house on. He mentioned this early on and I immediately shot it down as it was far too rural and different from what I envisioned for my life. He never pushed it on me.
In December, he surprised me with a beautiful proposal. We had talked a lot about being married one day but we never specifically discussed getting engaged and I definitely never pushed him (we had been dating 9 months at this point). I was surprised but thrilled. I took a vacation with his family to Cancun right afterwards. It was all so perfect.
Fast forward to late February, and long story short I had agreed to the idea of building a house in the woods on his property. Pretty soon after though, I started to feel sad about how permanent that decision is and how homesick I would probably feel. We had never REALLY discussed the possibility of moving closer to my family. When I brought it up at this point, he said there was no way he could ever do that, under any circumstances. I was really hurt. A terrible week ensued of really emotional conversations and he nearly broke it off after a conversation with his mother. This was behind my back, but I’m pretty sure his mother was freaking out over the possibility of him leaving and was trying to convince him to end up. Also really hurtful. Somehow we made it through that mess, with me saying that I couldn’t live without him and we could just stay near his family, as long as we could put the building on hold and rent somewhere for a while.
I went home right after Easter for spring break. My twin sister had a baby, a few days later my mother had a terrible accident and was in the hospital. It was a very emotional time for me and I was devastated to have to leave. I missed my Fiance but I did NOT want to go back. The day after I got home, he came over and I was expressing my feelings to him. We came around to the living situation again. I told him that since I knew I would always miss my family, I really wanted to love where I lived, and I asked him about the possibility of buying or renting a house in a town that I really liked about an hour away, where we’d be closer to other families and more things to do. He said no. He really just wanted to build on the property. I told him that if I were to have children, I’d want to have an easier time making friends and building a network. I asked him about all the other times he said he was open to it. He was quiet. I reminded him about how much I was giving him by being willing to live near his family, and was just asking him to compromise a little bit. But he said he couldn’t. I got really emotional and so did he. I couldn’t picture my life without him but he basically told me that he would rather be there without me than go somewhere else with me. This was all really shocking to me.
The next day he sent me a long text saying that he wasn’t ready for marriage and that he was sorry for misleading me. He basically ignored my texts for the rest of the night. I knew he was home and that his parents were probably talking to him about it. I was physically sick over this and didn’t sleep at all that night. By the next morning I was asking him to come help me as I was so upset I couldn’t get off the couch. He said he had to protect his feelings and couldn’t keep making himself feel worse about this. This was all SO unusual for him. I felt completely abandoned. No one else in his family was reaching out to me. I couldn’t eat or sleep or go to work. And I had absolutely nobody.
The next day was more of the same, no contact from him unless it was a cold response to something I asked him. I was unravelling fast. I asked him if we could just cancel the wedding and take time to talk this over but he made it clear that ending it was what he wanted to do. I was so confused. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. My best friend flew in to help me. I called my boss and said I didn’t know what was going to happen but I had to go home asap. There was no way I could stay in that town all alone and go through this myself. My friend had to pull me out of bed, literally put me in the shower, and pack up my belongings. The next day (this past Saturday) she helped me make the 10 hour drive to my family, where they were all gathered to meet me and embrace me.
Now I am here, sleeping on an air mattress in my parent’s house with my clothes and belongings in garbage bags at almost 32 years old. All I did for the last year was make sacrifices for this man and I feel as though I have been punished. I still love him so much and I wish I could turn back time and just agree to do what he wanted. I never wanted to end it. Now that I’m here in this town that I actually like, I am depressed because I don’t have him, and I feel like I can’t be happy here. I’m sure these feelings will fade with time but right now I am so unbelieveably sad. I still can’t sleep or eat. My mind is going crazy. There is no way I can go back to that place to finish up my job and be all alone in that town again, but I’m probably getting a bad job reference as a result and also have to pay back a $5,000 sign on bonus if I don’t finish my job. It would feel like absolute torture to be there though.
I have never been this distraught over a man. I’m afraid I will never move on. I’m afraid that every guy I meet, I will compare to him. Our relationship was so wonderful, I’m afraid I’ll always miss it. Every other breakup I’ve gone through, I’ve known it was the right thing to do. In this case though I feel that we were right for each other and he just ended it so easily and quickly and he didn’t give it a chance. I’ll probably never understand why. I’m afraid of trusting anyone ever again.
Thank you for reading this far. I know this post was ridiculously long. I guess I am looking for any advice or words of encouragement. I have never felt this down before, or scared about my future. 🙁
- This topic was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by doglovingbee.