(Closed) Completely shattered, need encouragement; VERY LONG

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Your story made me cry, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through… I have no advice to give to you except my support in this time of difficulty. I can feel you are shocked by what happened, for now take care of yourself, I think you made a wise decision to get closer to home for the time being. 

Post # 3
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.  I don’t have any words of wisdom other than that the pain will pass and you will meet someone else and that someone won’t make you compromise yourself to that extent.

Post # 4
7750 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am so sorry you’re going through this. A couple tips: first, I wouldn’t second guess yourself about insisting to your ex that you move to that town an hour away. It was already a huge compromise on your part to live so far away from your family–I think you know in your heart that you couldn’t have gone any further. If you hadn’t spoken up about that when you did, it would have eaten at you, and you would have grown to resent your SO, so it’s good you did, even though it is evidently an irreconcilable difference.

Second, and it might be too soon to say this, but I really feel like you dodged a bullet. The fact that at age 25 he had saved enough money to buy a house without a mortage, yet continued living at home anyway (not even renting!) is really odd, and combined with his creepy co-dependent relaitonship with his mom, is a huge red flag. You do not want to be in the middle of this. If his mother was capable of talking him out of marrying you…then he’s a man child and not husband material at this point in his life. I know it is incredibly hard to accept that now that it’s all so fresh and raw, but believe me…this would not have ended well if you married this guy. 

Finally, as to the immediate question of can you return to your job or should you forego the $5000 signing bonus…well, I would honestly cut my losses and not ever go back to that city if I could possibly afford to do so. I don’t know what your financial situation is, so maybe quitting cold turkey isn’t an option, but seriously I think nothing good will come of you returning there. It’s just going to be torture being so isolated in that town, knowing your ex is right down the street. I think if there’s any way you can swing it, to give up that place and remain in your home town for now while you regroup.

So sorry you are going through this! I know it seems like there is no hope right now, but I promise you, this too shall pass. 

Post # 5
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I’m really sorry for what you’re going through and what he put you through. Really I am. Big bear e-hugs to you!

Post # 6
1703 posts
Bumble bee

Aww…I am so sorry!! I honestly can’t relate because I have never put myself out there as much as you have…I am more the guy in this relationship…with the exception of college, always lived within a 20 mile radius of “home”…that said, I older, so I do have A LOT of failed relationship experience ๐Ÿ™‚ 

I think there are a few things…1. I think even though this guy is mature for his age, he isn’t “worldly”…he doesn’t really know life beyond his home town…i suspect his parents have made his life VERY easy in the fact that while he saved up for a house, I suspect that land was a gift that he doesn’t want to part with…I can actually appreciate and understand that. 

2. I think he genuinely loves you, but knows you aren’t happy in HIS world and will probably never be. He doesn’t want to leave his comfort zone and he figures he won’t be able to “change” you, so it the relationship ran its course

 EVERY breakup that you don’t initiate feels pretty much like the end of the world…the sadness, physical sickness, inability to get out of bed, I get ALL of it…you need to dig deep and REALLY think about what YOU want – do you want HIM (and give up your life, move from your family, more or less be at HIS mercy for friends, a social life, a family, etc)…or, do you want to be by YOUR family and find someone that fits into your life, OR at least that you can build a life together? Personally, I don’t think it is healthy for you to give up everything for someone else, but only you truly know the answer to that…

EVERYONE that has ever been in a wonderful relationship that ended has wondered at some point if they will meet someone as great as this person…I am in my mid 40s…I have NEVER met someone that is STILL stuck on an ex…EVER…everyone has moved on, and met someone who is a BETTER match…

I think this might be one of those relationships where when someone asks why it didn’t work out, you can HONESTLY say, “he was a great guy, we had a wonderful relationship, we just didn’t want the same things out of life”…those are INCREDIBLY painful breakups because there is no “asshole”, nobody to really blame, etc, but many of us have had those (I have had a couple of those ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Hang in there…xoxo

Post # 7
144 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve been there.  Almost exact situation he said he would move away from his parents and never did, meanwhile I was miserable in the town.  My advise would be to go back to work, yes it’s going to suck like none other, yes these will probably be the lonliest 2 months of your life, but you will get through it.  Get a dog, a cat, a cactus something to take care of, find a hobby.  Start the job search now and get something lined upand move back home after your time there is up.  You can do this!  Trust me it’s better now than down the road, guys that are that attached to their parents will never leave and they will listen to whatever their parents are telling them and you will never come first. Best wishes!  

Post # 8
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I also agree with PP about cutting your loses with your job. Several years ago I went through a horrible break up myself. I was seconds away from accepting a great job in a city to be near this guy I thought was the one. When it abruptly ended, my family (mother and grandmother) literally held me as I cried on the bathroom floor for dayssssssss. They supported me as I turned down the job and slowly regained my strength. Sometimes you just need time to heal and I definately think this may be a door opening for you that wouldnt have otherwise been there had this break up not happened.

Post # 9
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You ex sounds very selfish and immature.  Just imagine what your whole life would have been like, living with a man who never out your feelings first and was unwilling to compromise.  I think you deserve much better.  Big Hugs.

Post # 10
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

My heart hurts for you. I dont really have much advice for you but I send you warm thoughts and support. Take this time to feel whatever you want to feel but make sure you take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Its good that you are near your family because its clear from your post that they are a very intregal part of your life. The only somewhat negative thing I have to say is that he didnt seem to want to compromise on the VERY fair living situation you proposed and to me, that speaks volumes about his character and his position in the relationship. Perhaps he will come around and compromise and you can both move forward but if he does not…please take solace in the fact that time will heal your wounds and heart ache and you are still so young…you still have so much life and happiness in front of you. <3 sending you my biggest bear hug<3

Post # 12
3471 posts
Sugar bee

Sometimes we can love someone but they aren’t the right person for us. You were willing to sacrifice so much, and he couldn’t sacrifice an hour drive for you. That’s not a relationship. Not to mention, he was very naive and beholden to his parents. That is a recipe for disaster.

It really sucks and it’s going to be a really rough six months while you grieve. But you will be okay. I promise. And 32 is the new 22. My mid 30s were awesome! And I met the love of my life.

If there is any way that you can suck it up for two months and go back to work, I would. It will be super painful, but just lock yourself up at home each night, turn on some dance music, and work off any extra wine or ice cream it takes to keep your sanity.

If you can’t force yourself to go back, does your boss know about the breakup or does she think it is related to your family? 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  zl27.
Post # 13
10031 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. For what it’s worth I think you can and will do better. This guy was not mature enough for you not was he ready for marriage if he allowed his parents to manipulate him in this way. 

If a man loves you, he will compromise for you. He will put your happiness on the fore front. This guy never seemed to be concerned about your happiness or well being. I know it seems like you will never move on at this point but you will. You will find someone great who wont mind compromising, someone who just wants to see you happy.

Hang in there, things can only get better.

Post # 15
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. There are going to be a lot of moments when you will want to contact him and try to win him back – fight that urge. When that happens, focus on the way in which he has treated you:

1) He dumped you (his fiancee…someone he promised to love for the rest of his life) over a text message. A TEXT MESSAGE.

2) He has chosen building on a piece of land over building a life with you. That’s insane.

Only immature jerks behave that way, and there are no legitimate excuses for his behavior. He will probably regret this sooner or later and, when he does, I hope you remember that you deserve so much better.

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