Post # 76
I can’t relate to the specific situation, but I can relate to the feeling of utter demise. I was a wreck at my big breakup that occurred 6 years ago. I look back now and I don’t know how I was in such a bad state, but I can promise you that I was. I wasn’t eating, dropped 15lbs without trying and had to promise myself that if I dropped one more lb I would seek help. I went to a bit of therapy, which I realize is not helpful for everyone, but I found it very helpful to talk through my feelings. It took time but I started to feel better, treat myself better, and move on. Met my now-husband not too long after, but went slow and allowed myself time to fully heal from the wounds.
I’ll say this, it’s completely normal to feel gutted. You need to take time for you to get back on track AND YOU WILL. This will be a big blip in your history but that is all it is. Better things will come and you can’t see it yet.
If your famliy and friends are helping you, let them. If the boss at the job is being kind, let her. You have a lot going on. Allow yourself the time to heal and I’m sure in a few months time you will be feeling much much better. I agree with the other bees that have said this is for the best. There are a lot of flags. I had mine too. But you love someone and you believe that’s the best thing. It isn’t always. And someday you will find yourself very happy with this blessing in disguise. Day by day. Sending hopeful thoughts your way.
Post # 77
I have not read all of the comments but I know the general concensus is that he is an ass etc etc.
However I don’t agree, whilst it definitely sucks that he ended things over this and that he is putting his family first . I do feel you made the wrong choice in choosing to be closer to your family.
For him, he has never lived anywhere other then his small hometown and likely has never even been where you are from until you met him. His dream was to build on his parents land and he told you that.
You were not from there and travel, to meet someone from a small town and then expect them to move closer to your family is crazy. If your dream was to live closer to your family then you should have tried to meet someone from your area. I know love just happens but there has to be compromise.
However it does suck he was not willing to give it a go living close to his town but not on the parents property as I would definitely go crazy living on the same property as my in-laws.
This is just a sucky situation, is there no chance you can fly down there and try to win him back ?
Post # 78
MrsVes: I appreciate your input, but I was not asking him to move closer to my family. I was asking him to move to a town an hour away from his for a little while, so that I could come around to the idea of living in such a rural area. This was a town we both loved, went to church there every Sunday, our favorite restaurant was there, and we had planned our wedding there. I just wanted to be surrounded by more people for a little while as I adjusted to living permanently away from home.
We had even walked through a house with a realtor in this town a couple months ago. So it seemed out of the blue that all of a sudden he was not open to it anymore. He didn’t tell me that living on his land was a deal-breaker until the very end, and then he didn’t give me a chance to even think about it. He just ended it. I offered to give it more time, put the wedding on hold, etc. But he was done, and his family all seemed to close the door on my face. So no, I don’t think there is a chance of winning him back.
Post # 79
MrsVes: Also, I was continously telling him that I’d like to build on the land someday, after renting a different place for a while. He knew I wasn’t closed off to the idea forever. You said yourself there needs to be compromise. Where was his?
Post # 80
doglovingbee: how are you doing? did you decide what to do about your job?
Post # 81
doglovingbee: “You said yourself there needs to be compromise. Where was his?”
I am so glad you are seeing this clearly now! When only one person in a relationship is making compromises, it’s not compromising, it’s just giving in, and that will only breed resentment. I know you are probably still in a lot of pain, but I think you are very strong and will get through this and come out happier and more confident on the other side.
Post # 82
sparklesalways: Thank you so much for asking. I am still a bit of a mess. My appetite us nonexistent, I’m getting very little sleep with terrible dreams, and I have a very unusual fear of being alone. I don’t even like going to the bathroom because I’m closed off from other people in the next room. This is really unusual for me and I never knew I could be so weak. I don’t even want to drive anywhere unless my dog is in the car with me. I saw a therapist last week but she was absolutely no help at all. I need to find another one but my confidence in that working now has faltered.
I’ve been blessed with the most wonderful boss in the world. She tells me she has it covered and to stay near my family. She said I am always welcome to come back and work for her again. I’m still trying to work out a way to go help her for at least 3-4 weeks but the housing is tricky and how I would travel by myself is also a big question. I’m working on it though. Thanks again for asking!
Post # 83
tiffanybruiser: This has taken quite a bit of processing for me but yes, I’m starting to see that I really didn’t do anything wrong and that life on his “family compound” (as my family calls it) would probably have been lonely and depressing for me. At this point it still hasn’t helped with the emotional side of it, how I wish the circumstances were different. I’m still kind of a mess unfortunately. Hopefully my head will start communicating with my heart soon. I really appreciate your comment.
Post # 84
doglovingbee: Stay strong, bee. This too shall pass..
Post # 85
Bee, I’m sorry you are going through this. A couple of years ago, I left a relationship of nearly 10 years and moved across the country by myself. I didn’t have any family nearby- they are actually closer to where I was living. While i knew that leaving was the right thing to do, I was completely broken. it took several months for me to even feel somewhat normal, but it did happen. I did see a therapist and recommend trying that again. (Look for one that does cognitive behavioral therapy.) I also got really involved in my local roller derby league here and forced myself to be very social. I had a couple of friends here when I got here but seen after moving, I had major surgery and learned just how wonderful the women in my league really are. They are my family now.
You are lucky to have your family but I really encourage you to get involved in something social and hang out with people who don’t necessarily know the whole backstory. This is a chance for you to start over and decide what you want and what you deserve. I think you did dodge a bullet- you would not have been happy living so far away and out in the middle of nowhere and you know this. You will meet a wonderful man who respects you and your dreams and desires and you will build a life together that you both want. It will happen, you just need to believe in it and believe that you deserve it.
Post # 86
So so sorry bee. I had compromise issues with my ex as well, and the fact that he was unwilling to budge when I was willing to meet him half way was more troubling than the actual topics I was trying to get him to compromise on. It just wasnt right for us. If this guy was the one he would be willing to find a way to be with you. Saying he’d rather stay home instead of being with you is a huge red flag. You deserve a partner who will work with you, not entrench himself. It sounds like he wants a very specific life and that’s not what you want, and if he can’t let go of that for you you should move on.
Right after a breakup like this is always going to be such a confusing and painful time. I promise it WILL get better and you will find yourself again. No one feels the way they do after a bag breakup forever. If the did no one would be able to function! Good luck bee!