(Closed) complicated, frustrating… telling family eloping…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
380 posts
Helper bee

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MxChinca:  Eloping is a choice, just the same as living your life the way you want, where you want and with the person you want.  Its not wrong, my husband and I eloped and that was 35 years ago.  Live your life!  Go get married and call to celebrate your marriage, if the negativity starts, tell them you are just sharing your news and was hoping they could be happy.  Then hang up and BE happy.  If you chose to live away–do it in mind as well.  Good Luck

Post # 4
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014 - my mother\'s amazing garden

From the sounds of it you are making this decision as a smart adult, not some 17 year old who is running off to defy their parents. Honour your decsion and own your feelings! You are being respectful in informing them of your upcoming life change… nothing more, nothing less…. Now go enjoy your own life 😉 

Post # 5
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

First of all, it’s okay to elope! My parents eloped, and they were mature adults as well (my mom was 30 and Dad was 35).

Typically you don’t tell people that you’re planning to elope, though. Just, “Surprise! We eloped!” It’s easier to say you’re sorry than to ask for permission, you know?

I wouldn’t bring it up again until after you’re married. Save youself the drama.

Post # 6
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You just have to remind yourself that you’re a grown woman who’s older than 40 years old. Your parents’ opinion of your marital status, how you choose to get married, where you live or how you live is IRRELEVANT.

Inform them – don’t ask for permission, not even implicitly in tone of voice or demeanor! 

It’s very different to go: “uh yeah, well hi mom. Ummm….we’ve decided to uh, well we don’t want to ruffle any feathers or anything, but, well, ah…(look to Fiance for support)… I don’t want you to be mad ok?, but we’ve kinda thought this would be a good thing for us (downcast eyes) because well, we think it makes sense…”

Vs. “Mom and Dad, John and I have decided to get married on the 26th of July. We’ll be heading off to Aruba for a private ceremony and we just wanted to share our happy news!” 

If your family is anything like mine the elopement will NOT be happy news for them. However, this is what you and your fiancé have decided and that’s all that matters. Some of my family members (including a brother) still feel like our elopement somehow “deprived” them of sharing that moment with us, of having a family reunion, of “seeing us get married.” Meh, they’ll get over it. And if they don’t then they’ll have two problems: feeling that way and figuring out how to stop feeling that way. 

Your wedding is your own. Period. Full stop. How they take it is entirely up to them. 


Post # 7
1819 posts
Buzzing bee

I wouldn’t say anything before hand. It sounds like it will just add to your frustation and stress. Just elope when you are ready and sent out announcements after, saying “we eloped!” Done. They can read it on a card and express whatever feelings they have to each other. You don’t have to worry about telling them. Sounds like you have enough on your plate. 

Its also not wrong at all. Good luck bee!

Post # 9
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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MxChinca:  I would just elope and tell people after the fact.  A lot of people do it that way.  You’re not going to get a good reaction from your family and even you know this without your sister telling you.  You know they’re not warm and fuzzy people, and that’s why you live where you live.  If you send them an announcement and they call you and are nasty to you, you can hang up the phone.  If they send you a nasty letter/email, you can delete it or throw it out.  If they’re sitting there in front of you and there’s an hour left at dinner, we’ll that’s going to be an incredibly uncomfortable hour, and there won’t be any way around that.  Think about being civil versus being realistic, whatever “realistic” means in your family.

Don’t let your sister tell you you’re doing things wrong.  Opinions are like butt holes — everybody has one.  I eloped and have kept it a secret from everyone because my Fiance still wanted a big wedding (in two months).  It was an absolutely beautiful, intimate evening.  We went to a hotel, had the ceremony there (like ten mins long!) and enjoyed a gourmet 7-course meal.  I’m excited for the big wedding, but I have ZERO regrets about eloping.  I did what made me and my Fiance happy.  🙂  It always comes down to the same thing with all weddings — do what you want/need to do.

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