Post # 1
I have a very large dilema regarding my best friends wedding and I need some serious advice.
About three years ago my best friend went to a party, slept with “some guy”, then one month later “got engaged”. At the time I didn’t think anything of it and blew it off – I figured it was a phase. Over the course of the 3(ish) years since the party she has attempted to plan a wedding only to be met with harsh criticisms and delays from her fiance. Within the first year he had spent ALL of her money (almost $50,000) on his own hobbies and said they didn’t have enough money. In the second year the family started a huge fight among themselves and the fiance decided they should wait to get married until things settled down. This year she finally went out and bought a dress and started planning.
At the beginning of her planning phases I made it perfectly clear that there was a 98% chance I would be unable to attend her wedding (college/work), apologized, and told her if she needed support or decoration ideas to give me a call. Within this year I have also gotten engaged and planned a wedding during December (a set date from day one of the engagement due to personal obligations). She was super excited to hear about the wedding and said her big day would be anywhere from July to October (a big gap that was closing quickly) and she expected me to be there. I told her to get back to me when she had a date. In July I received a phone call from her “officially” announcing a date in October and telling me I would be the Maid/Matron of Honor (despite my protests).
I have been very upfront with her from the beginning that there is a huge chance I won’t be able to make it (the travel time alone to get to the wedding is unmanagable and I am also applying for work and I don’t know my schedule very far in advance.) So I admitted to her that I did not feel comfortable accecpting the responsiblity and told her good luck. She continued to insist I come to “atleast the ceremony” and I could turn around and leave after that.
Since July her wedding plans have fluctuated a ton. Her finance threw a fit about the venue, so they moved it. He threw a fit about how many people were going to attend the ceremony so they cut guests. He threw a fit about they groomsmen attire so she changed it. Finally, it came down to ordering the Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor dresses (there are three of us, myself and one other person have more than a days worth of driving to do) she did it about a week ago. (The wedding is within the first week of October so I am worried about the timeframe for the dresses arriving.) Finally the fiance threw a fit about the invitations and had her make a multitude of last minute changes – the invitations are not finished at the printers and the wedding is less than a month away now. Her finance is now discussing cutting “all but immediate family” guests from the ceremony.
I am afraid the finance is going to cancel (or postpone) the wedding again before the big day. Unfortunately, there is a 75% I won’t be able to make the trip for work and financial reasons. While I would love to attend I have told her (from the beginning) that I didn’t think I would (I just graduated college and money is tight). I feel uncomfortable driving all day to attend only a reception that might not even happen and because I will just be starting work (if I get the job) I don’t want to ask for a bunch of extra time off (I’m already making sacrifices for my own wedding).
How would you talk to her about the situation?
She is also my Maid/Matron of Honor, but I have told her that if the weather is bad or if she has a job I would rather her skip the wedding and take care of herself.
Post # 3
From what you have described, it doesn’t seem like she has a very good relationship. Her Fiance seems very controlling and that is not a good thing. I think you need to talk to her when she isn’t around her Fiance and not on the phone. Meet halfway at a coffee shop or restaurant. If I were her friend, I would want to know that she has her eyes open about the relationship and that he really isn’t controlling as protrayed in your comments.
Post # 4
He sounds like a total flake. From what you’ve said, it will be surprising if this wedding actually takes place. Does she not see what he is doing? I would be devastated if I thought my future husband wasn’t excited about our upcoming marriage!
Post # 5
I agree with the PP’s, although i do have to say, he sounds like a whiney little brat to me. Definitely talk to her about this. Tell her that you’re really concerned about everything that has been going on. Ask her if she needs to talk, and gently bring up the subject about her Fiance. She needs to see that he’s controlling. Do you know what his reasons are for cutting down the guest list? Is it becoming too much money or what?
Post # 6
I have spoke with her about his issues and she claims that he doesn’t want a bunch of people “around watching”. From how many times he has “backed out” this far I would say that it translates to “he doesn’t want a lot of people around to watch him leave.” Money has not been an issue for him the entire time (especially after how many times he has rejected the invitations alone). From my experience with him (we went to school together), he is a total flake, an alcoholic, and he has a history of abusing his exes (I’ve asked her about this before). Sometimes I think I am too supportive and speak too nicely of him.
The unfortunate part is I have spoke with her about the situation – and she seems to think he will change. My Fiance wants me to talk to her and back out for the plain and simple reason that she has kept me on hold for a wedding for the last three months (the wedding date has been in July, August, September and now (finally) October). When the final date came down in July (for the October date) it was still tentative. When I spoke to her a week ago she was upset about the invitations again and the fact her Fiance didn’t want a baby at the cermeony (a cousin).
Everytime we talk I suggest rethinking the situation. My Fiance doesn’t even want me to go becasue its support “her marrying that asshole.” I am beginning to agree. I have spoke with her so many times about it I’m blue in the face. I’m afraid that it will become annoying to her if I try again.
I feel so bad for her because everytime we talk she tells me how lucky I am to have an easy wedding planning situation, an amazing Fiance, and the support of family. (Yup, thats right neither of their families are supporting the union.) I feel so badly for her… she cant change him and I wish she would quite trying.
Post # 7
Even good weddings between loving couples are stressful enough. Is this something you really want to be a part of?
Post # 8
Today I received a call from my Maid/Matron of Honor saying the officiant has backed out of her wedding! I haven’t been able to get all of the details yet, but I’m pretty sure the wedding will not be taking place under the current plans. If she tries to continue with the wedding on the same date she will be forced to go with the Justice of the Peace. I can’t wait to speak with her when she is off of work! Talk about a sign from the universe.
Post # 9
Are you accepting of her fiance?
Post # 10
I would say more along the lines of tolerating (mainly because Maid/Matron of Honor and I have been friends since childhood).