Post # 1
I want to remain pretty annonymous so I’m using an alternate Bee Account. There is a complex problem that I wanted to ask you Bees about.
My Destination Wedding has a friend from the internet that she’s known for years now. She insists that they are only friends. But something I did not find out until after we were married is that when she finally met him in real life they spent a lot of time together and kissed on multiple occasions during his stay. I was heartbroken and not sure how to deal with it when I found out. She also refused to sever ties even though it was clear how uncomfortable I am with it. She assured me he is only a friend and the fact that he once held romantic feelings for her means nothing because she never did. Another huge factor is that we both had agreed that anyone from the past who we had crossed the lines of friendship with we would cut ties with that person completely.
Is it possible to make out with someone who is just a friend multiple times while remaining in contact and have not crossed the lines of friendship? What do you Bees think? There have been friends I have cut ties with just because she was uncomfortable with them, and I did so willingly and out of respect for her feelings, but am I just being insecure or selfish in being so displeased by her remaining in contact with this guy?
Post # 3
Did she meet/kiss him before you guys got married or even met?
And without knowing the whole situation, I can tell you there have been guys I’ve been friends with where you think there might be something more than there is… so you kiss…and it’s like a dead fish, no chemistry in that sense.
Not saying anything is OK or not OK but I know those situations happen all the time.
Post # 4
@Diet Coke: It had happened after we had met, but before we started dating.
Post # 5
I’m sorry, but what’s a DW??
i’m guessing this is someone you are in a committed relationship with, so…
<Is it possible to make out with someone who is just a friend multiple times while remaining in contact and have not crossed the lines of friendship?>
well, yes, but you HAVE crosse the line of friendship into friends with benefits… but it’s easy to remain friends-only after those times.
<There have been friends I have cut ties with just because she was uncomfortable with them, and I did so willingly and out of respect for her feelings, but am I just being insecure or selfish in being so displeased by her remaining in contact with this guy?>
this is troublesome. SHE’S insecure about you staying in touch with people you’ve been romantically involved with, but wants to do that herself? major double standard. I think those kinds of “rules” do not bode well for relationships. Where’s the trust? I’m friends with almost all of my exs (and I would be with all, it’s his issue to never speak with me again) and I allow my partner to remain in touch and friendly with all hers.
You gotta talk this one out and make her see the hypocrisy in the situation, and reveal your feelings in a way that she can be compassionate. I hope you can either agree to abide by the same “rules”- or change ’em.
Post # 6
How old is your wife and how old was she when she and this friend were making out?Because yes I’ve had friends in the past where this would have been the case but to be honest that’s from when I was a teenager/early 20s. I’m in my 30s now and am not in contact with any of those people anymore. I do have a male friend (with whom nothing physical has ever happened) and my Darling Husband suspects he had feelings for me at one point, but we have never crossed the line and now we’re both married to other people my Darling Husband has no troubles with our friendship.
If you have cut off friendships because your wife requested it, and you have agreed as a couple that you would not maintain friendships if the other was uncomfortable with it, I don’t think it’s fair that she is changing the rules when it comes to her friendships. Couples get to make up their own rules when it comes to these things, in a way that makes both of them happy, and no one else gets to say if the rules are ok or not. I think that’s the bigger problem, rather than what your wife did or didn’t do with this guy, before you were even dating (which is really none of your business). You need to find out why she’s not willing to stick to the rules you both agreed to, especially since she has asked you to do the same for her. Good luck.
Post # 7
Since this happened after you met but before you were “together” I can’t see that it’s a concern at all. I have continuing relationships (friendships) with men I’ve been with intimately but it has no bearing whatsoever on who we are now. My Fiance is aware of those friendships and their pasts. I would not be overly concerned if he had continuing relationships with past girlfriends. Trust has to be present. He still has a photo album with photos of girlfriends past and I wouldn’t dream of asking him to get rid of it. They were a part of his past life, but I’m the one who will be his future.
Post # 8
Knowing she failed to keep her word, that’s issue #1.
Knowing that she purposefully lied to you about breaking contact, that’s #2. Did you find out by her own admission or did you happen to stumble on it?
Knowing that you’re upset about it and she still refuses to do so… that’s #3.
I’m not projecting approval or disapproval but does the guy still carry a flame for her?
Post # 9
yea I have friends that I’ve hooked up with in the past and there is NOTHING there anymore and I would never drop them because someone else felt threatened by our friendship. She chose you- not him and that’s what it’s all about
ETA: also unless you are a male Bee I assume you are part of the LBGTQ community so why are you judging friendships based on genders? Would you be just as upset if she had a female friend that she kissed a few times before you were together?
Post # 10
@mcklough: I’m guessing he IS a male bee given A the name MR blahblah and B that his wife is probably straight if he’s worried about her making out with guys
Post # 11
Yes, it is possible to make out with a friend and not hold deeper feelings. Sure, you get some pleasure out of the action, and there must be some attraction on a physical level, but there doesn’t have to be romantic feelings that go beyond friendship.
That aside, if you two made a promise to cut off ties with former flings/exes, and you have acted in accordance with that promise and she hasn’t, then she’s being hypocritical. I think her reluctance to give up the friendship is probably rooted in the fact that she truly hasn’t ever had more-than-friends feelings for him. BUT, if it makes you uncomfortable and you have this agreement on how to handle exes, then she should be willing to drop the friendship. Either that or you need to revisit the theory behind the policy and perhaps compromise on that front.
Post # 12
I think it’s possible to put people in your past and keep them there (college flings, etc.). I would be more concerned with the omissions.
Post # 13
Thank you all for commenting. I tried to be even headed with reading all of the comments whether I agreed or not I took the advice at face value. I will mull things over and decide whether to drop it and let it die or to dicuss it further.