Post # 1
Backstory: his parents never got married, and his grandma had a courthouse wedding and later got divorced. He also says “black people don’t have big weddings” so he wants one, and says he’s always dreamed of getting down on one knee, with a ring, being engaged for a while, then planning a huge wedding for everyone to be at. I’m all for eloping. I’m a cancer survivor, and was given a pretty high chance of it coming back within the next few years. I just want to marry him, as soon as possible because you’re never guaranteed another day. I also happen to work in the event industry and see so many people getting married for the party, which just reaffirms that I want to get married to be married to him. Ever since I got sick, I’ve always said once I find my person, I just want to go out and make it about the two of us and our time together and dedication to each other. I’ve always loved the idea of eloping somewhere else. Like us two packing a suitcase, going up to NYC (a special spot for us), him helping me pick out a dress (we just had a whole discussion about this because he asked if I would be sad that he couldn’t help me pick, and it hadn’t really crossed my mind till then, but I value his opinion more than anything and want him to be there, but he wants the “first look” thing), me help him pick out an outfit, go to brunch together, go get married, go to the Met (another special spot) take wedding pictures, and just us two celebrate us and our new life together. Then come home and do a large wedding and reception a year or so later. (I know it won’t be a “wedding” since we’d already be married, but there’s no book saying what can and can’t be done.) He wants nothing to do with this idea because it isn’t what he always dreamed of. But his idea isn’t what I want either. What would be a good spot to start compromising to come up with something we both want? It’s not that I don’t want a large wedding, I just want something for just us first, since that’s what’s important to me. I also don’t want to wait the two years it would be till we could have/afford this wedding he wants. I may not have that two years to wait and the thought of not getting to be his wife breaks my heart. We just don’t know where/how to start on a compromise so we both get what we want/what’s important to us for a wedding
Post # 2
What has he said when you’ve pointed out that time is a serious factor for you? It seems to me that if ever there was a time to do the elopement and then plan the bigger follow up celebration, this would be one of them.
My husband wasn’t big on the whole big wedding thing and liked the idea of a destination wedding. Having our loved ones there was a non-negotiable thing for me. So our compromise was to do a private ceremony (just us and our son) and then immediately following, have the more public ceremony with our loved ones- but we still kept it under 100 people.
If you do event planning, I would imagine you could figure out some great ways to keep things affordable and I’m wondering if he even realizes how much a big wedding can be- he might be more willing to adjust if he has a sense of the amount of work and expense.
Post # 3
TwilightRarity : each time I’ve mentioned time and that I’m not comfortable waiting years, he just says that it’s not that far away. I’ve tried explaining my point of not wanting to wait because you’re not guarunteed more time, and he understands it, but still wants what he always dreamed of (even though what he always dreamed of is based solely on what other people think/see). How long was it between your private ceremony and the public one? How did you go about making that happen?
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Having a health concern (where you’re thinking of life in a day by day timeframe) and a partner who seems not to hear you or see your side is frustrating.
We had both ceremonies on the same day in the same city but different locations- the private one was around 1 in a beautiful natural setting in the park and then the formal one started at 4 at was at the same venue where our reception was held. We’d originally been thinking of having the ceremony in the park for everyone but the expense and logistics of it all started to feel like such a drag and a joysuck that we decided to just make it for us (and I’m really glad we did- it allowed us each to have a ceremony that felt like what we most wanted).
The main thing is that you can definitely do something that incorporates what is most important to each of you as long as each of you are willing to compromise in some way. It’s great that he wants to have a big event to celebrate but if he’s so fixated on a big party for himself and everyone else and not considering your very real health and timeline concerns, then he isn’t actually ready to get married (or be married) and he sounds like an “insert-a-bride” kind of groom. Marriage means signing up to be down for each other despite the challenges that may arise and if he can’t budge even a little bit about the party, what is he going to do during actual hard times?
Post # 5
purplepirate : I feel your pain. In wanted to elope after I started planning our destination wedding. It was just stressful. But, we pulled through and married in Jamaica. Why not do what you wanted to do in your state instead of NYC. An intimate weekend just the 2 of you. Then perhaps plan something small in the months to follow to cater a bit more to his liking? You can wear your dress 2x or simply get 2!!! And perhaps lay it all out for him cost wise so that he understands your feelings. Heck make a power point out of it. Maybe he’ll be more understanding of your feelings if he sees you went out of your way to present it to him in a technical manner.
Post # 6
How about a private ceremony for just the two of you, and then do a formal ceremony/reception/whatever you want on your anniversary? I know a couple that did it that way and I thought it was pretty cool that they each got what they wanted.
Post # 7
It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Why not compromise and do a smaller wedding, but in a smaller timeframe? If he’s unwilling to compromise, then you need to re-consider who you want to marry!