Post # 1
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t even know how to write this post. I’ve been feeling all adrift and not sure what to do. This last Friday night, Fiance and I went out to dinner and ended up getting into the mother of all fights. He’s been cranky, edgy, and down for a while now. The longer it went on without him talking about it, the more I was becoming cranky, edgy, and down in response. To sum up our fight: He thinks we’re spending too much on the wedding and wants to trash the idea totally. His idea of the perfect wedding? A full Catholic Church service mass wedding followed by…nothing what so ever. As in “thanks for being here to witness this now get the F**k out.” No honeymoon, no celebration, NOTHING. I told him in the beginning that if we had a religious wedding (I am atheist and that is not going to change) (instead of running away like I wanted to do, but he flat out refuses to do) then I had dang well better get to have a party afterward to reward me for going through that crap (no offense to religious bees, but it is really really really not my thing).
To top it all off, we’re not even really paying for anything! My unemployed and back to school to train for a new career father is paying for 90% of the wedding, with tiny donations from my mom and his parents. If we end up paying out of pocket, it’ll be, Maybe, $500-$1000 max. Yet he’s accusing me of wasting our money (it isn’t ours!) and planning an “extravagant” wedding. (Our wedding will be a $5,000 wedding for 100-120 people!) He thinks that my desire for anything at all other then the religious ceremony (the “real” and only “true” part of the wedding) is ridiculous and totally out of line. I find that his idea of a “real” wedding totally out of line!
Now, he’s talking about calling it all off (after we’ve booked all our vendors and sent out Save-The-Date Cards to everyone!!). He says he wants to marry me, but it seems like that’s only true if he can have everything HIS way (big church wedding with no reception). I told him he needs to tell me ASAP if he wants to do that because I don’t want to be left hanging forever. But I don’t know what to do. If he cancels everything, do I leave him? If we move forward, how can I know he’s not going to freak out days/hours before the wedding and leave me? I feel like crud waiting around for an answer, but I’m not sure pressuring him for an answer is the way to go either. Ugh. I keep swinging wildly between wanting to curl up and cry all day to wanting to scream at him that’s he’s being a top-rated jerk. Mostly, I just sit quietly stewing and getting more and more upset.
Post # 3
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee
oh girl. I am soooo sorry you are going through this. I see your point of view: you’re compromising, so why can’t he? I think until both of you calm down and are able to talk rationally (i.e., you aren’t going to compromise if he isn’t and that your father generously is giving you this first experience of your life together as a married couple, so he should quit worrying so much about the money) and then ask why he thinks this celebration is such a big deal to have? You may be surprised by the answer–who knows why guys think like they do.
If he does call it off, I think you should take some time apart from one another. Don’t keep thinking of what status you guys are, but take it one day at a time. But whatever you do, Don’t keep thinking of that right now, just try to figure the wedding out! I think you can do it both ways, and I wish you the best of luck and lots and lots of hugs!
Post # 4
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Wow. It sounds like you are both super stressed out. The good news: It seems like he DOES want to marry you and genuinely cares about making the marriage right. He probably feels that a religious ceremony is the right way to start a stable marriage.
Now. Did he or did he not promise to make you happy? You are abiding by his wishes for a religious ceremony and it sounds like he really needs to suck it up and let you have a party. Maybe you both just need to cool down and talk about WHY those portions of the wedding are important to you?
Post # 5
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
Yikes! Sounds like maybe he’s got some anxieties, either about the wedding or marriage in general, that need to be addressed before you move forward.
I think it would be best to give each other a few days before picking up the topic again, since it seems like both of you are pretty raw and being harsh with one another.
In the same way that he needs to be sensitive to your need for some extra-religious celebration, I think it might be helpful for you to remember that, whether or not the wedding is extravangant in terms of actual dollars, it feels that way to him. Big, overwhelming and not entirely comprehensible. A lot, I would imagine, the way the Catholic mass feels to you. Compromise works best when both people make an effort to appreciate and understand, as well as accomodate, the other person’s needs.
((Hugs)) and Good luck!
Post # 6
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
(((((hugs)))))
All I can think as I read this is deja vu. My Fiance and I had a similar fight back in October, though I was the one who wanted to call things off more than him but I didn’t say that. We are both atheist/agnostic, and always agreed on that. Then, wedding planning brought out “but weddings are inherently religious; we need to be married by a pastor” and that we should just have a BBQ and not spend money on frivolous things like decor or catering or photography! Granted, we are paying ourselves, but we similarly have about a $5k budget ALREADY saved up specifically for the wedding, so it’s not like we are cutting out the grocery or rent money just to throw a party. It hurt my trust in him a lot that he had agreed with me for so long and then just sort of blind-sided me, especially on something so fundamental. As I said, that fight was in October. I was resentful and unhappy and cranky and edgy too for the last few months. We just stopped talking about a wedding at all. Then after the holidays, I realized that things were bad. Like, really bad. We bickered all the time; we weren’t even happy together anymore, and I knew it stemmed back to that because it was such a foundation rocking fight. Over the holidays, we decided to move the wedding back a year. We are working slowly to rebuild our relationship, too. In some ways we are ignoring the problem because we aren’t full on planning the wedding at the moment, and that is where the fight stemmed from, but we have since agreed on some of the religion and other issues around it. It’s hard. Every day for us is a little better… so far. Many people suggested couples counseling, though that is not really an option for us right now. I hope that my story possibly gives you an idea on what can work for you, but moreso I wanted you to know that you’re not alone. I have many engaged friends and I love wedding communities like this one, and while everyone gushes about how amazing their FIs are, it is hard to get excited about wedding planning when you’re not even sure where your relationship stands. I think I stay because it is so uplifting to be around such joy. And then I find posts like this where I realize that maybe these issues are more common than I thought. If you need anything or just an ear to listen, feel free to PM me.
Wanted to add — Don’t just wait for him to tell you how it’s going to be, either. What do YOU want to happen from now? I agree with the other bees about calming down before you talk about it, but don’t just wait to get his side and then react. Go into the conversation knowing what you want in a variety of situations. If he does want to call it off completely, do you even want to stay with him, will you be able to trust him again after that? If he wants to postpone it, what are your more immediate goals, like for me and Fiance it was working on strengthening our relationship, rebuilding that trust and being more aware of the sacrifices the other makes.
Post # 7
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
*Hugs* I am so sorry to hear this. Weddings can bring out the best and worst in people, and they definitely cause tensions to run high. I hope you both have time to think things through and are able to reach a compromise. I kind of want to knock him on the head a little, though! I wish he’d realize what a compromise you are making and give a little too. 🙁
Post # 8
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
Oh, rabbit. I’m so sorry to hear that things aren’t going well for you. I don’t really have any words of advice besides to say that you should really focus on the marriage versus the wedding. It sounds like the communication between you and your FH isn’t where you want it to be, and I think that you should pay attention to that.
You guys will figure out the right path for you…I have no doubt.
Hang in there!
Post # 9
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
im sorry to hear that you are going through this!!! with that said…relationships and especially marriages are all about compromise. maybe if you two sit down and talk about everything and you both come to an agreeable compromise you might feel better about it. i can understand why you wouldn’t want the full blown catholic church wedding since it goes against your beliefs. i agree that if you compromise and agree to do the catholic church wedding for him then he should compromise and have the reception you want. it sounds fair and very reasonable. since he claims that it’s a waste of your money, sit down and actually go over all the numbers with him and show him exactly what you guys would be paying for and what your parents are paying for.
i hope everything works out for you!!!!!!
Post # 10
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
Have you 2 done any premarital couseling as part of your wedding prep? If not, it sounds some counseling is definitely in order, since these are pretty big issues. I think that having a neutral 3rd person persent (like some sort of therapist or counselor) would be a wise decision as you move forward and try to make some decisions. You’re right that your fiance doesn’t seem willing to compromise… and I would also worry about the possibility of future arguments along the same lines, if you go ahead and get married without working things out. Wedding planning is super-stressful for all of us, and it’s easy to get into arguments over your idea of your perfect wedding. Still, you clearly need to be able to work this out, if you are going to procede into marriage with this man… and it sounds like there might be some deeper issues going on here, like acceptance of each others’ religious views. Good luck!
Post # 11
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
@Amaryllis- I like that word you used, blindsided. I feel very blindsided! We’ve been engaged for nearly a year (it will be a year Valentine’s Day!). We have regular talks about this and that to do with wedding planning (well, I regularly talk at him as he never says anything back or gives much input). He couldn’t bring this up a year ago when we started planning? Or before we booked the vendors? Or before we sent Save the Dates to everyone?
I know what I want to happen- continue planning, have the wedding (religious ceremony followed by dinner and dancing), and a few day honeymoon (camping or whatever). But i’m also starting to feel i ought to kick him out for a while well he thinks about this. I worry that being home with me every day makes him complacent and that he’s taking our relationship for granted if he thinks he can cancel the wedding and I’ll still stick around. (His parents live near by and his room is still empty but with a bed and stuff in it).
Thank you for telling me your story. i will be keeping it in mind as time goes on.
@skibobrown- We are suppose to start pre-martial counciling with the church marrying us, but Fiance has all the contact info and continues to refuse/forget to/not call them to book the appointments or set up an appointment to talk about the ceremony details. He’s had me asking him to do these things for…oh…only 3 months. He seems to think we can just show up the day of in jeans and t-shirts and magically they’ll let us marry without the counciling or any prep work. When the priest told us we ought to have a rehearsal, Fiance kept insisting that it was a waste of time.
Also, neither of us are religious. I am an atheist and he is agnostic. He grew up attending Catholic private schools and he feels that marriage is nothing if not performed within a Catholic church by a priest. He is very adamant that marriage=religious service.
Post # 12
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
Wow, my Fiance moved in with me straight from his parents’ house, which is 15 minutes away. His room is still empty, too. I did not go that route, there were times I thought about it. For me, it was sort of a “show of good faith.” I worried that would seem more like a step towards the end than a wake-him up time move. I think that staying in the same house also makes it easier to work on communicating, which obviously is a big part of the problems. You have to figure out what works for you two, obviously. Good luck.
Post # 13
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
@Amaryllis- I think we are weird twins- similar situations! My Fiance bascially moved in with me directly from his parent’s house 15 minutes away too. I don’t really want to kick him out, but he’s not talking to me about this (and obviously has been keeping this inside for a while) and I don’t know what else to say in the face of his silence. I asked him yesterday what he’d been thinking of in regards to this and his response was “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Is there something I should be thinking about?” Its like, if I’m not in his face with it, its not really on his mind!
Post # 14
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
it sounds like he’s just overwhelmed. take a week off from wedding planning and see where that goes. I can’t imagine the argument that a 5k wedding for 100-200 guests is too extravagant – I think that’s a damned good job. If you can comprimise about the church (I am agnostic, i understand), he can comprimise about the reception. Maybe show him some flash cards of other weddings and their budgets, and put things in perspective.. ?
Post # 15
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee
Wow. Good luck working it out Is it possible that he’s having doubts? It sounds like religion is a big difference for you two. Maybe that’s a point of contention. If he thinks a religious ceremony is important, and you think it’s a load of ****, you might have bigger issues down the road.
Post # 16
Member
19 posts
Newbee
Your wants are not unreasonable. If he’s threatening to call off the wedding, this should be a big warning to you. To disagree on such a huge thing (religion) does not bode well for your futures. I think he sounds like a big tool the way you’ve described him. Get out while you can.
