(Closed) Moving & Our Future

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 1
Member
9 posts
Newbee

Hi, girls. I just started a graduate program in which I am doing very well, and I am happy. If I successfully finish, then I will have great job opportunities as a professor or researcher – but the location of the available jobs is uncertain right now.

My fiance and I moved in together in this new city recently, and he transferred jobs. Now he is still working full-time at a job that he does not enjoy. I was under the impression that he wanted to transfer to this university to finish his graduate degree (only another semester or two left), but now he says he doesn’t have any motivation to do so. 

So, here I am, enjoying my education and my new research-related job, and he seems pretty depressed to be living here. He keeps comparing things to his old city that he claimed to hate and couldn’t wait to leave. He’s even mentioned to someone else that he wants to move back. Initially, I thought this would be a good move for him, as for me. He said he was very excited about it, and I thought he would love going to this school to finish his degree. But now, I realize the I may have been wrong, and I feel selfish. 

Last night, he randomly brought up the prospect of me transferring to an out-of-state school, so he could move to a city that could offer more jobs to him that are related to his desired field of research. First of all, I am not ready to make a huge move like that out of our home state, especially since everything is going so well for me. I know that is selfish – but on the other hand, I feel like I would be put into a bad situation for myself by not being able to get into a good university there, not getting graduate funding (out-of-state tuition is ridiculously expensive!), etc. However, if I stay here and continue my education, I don’t think he can make it another 2 years at this rate, based on his feelings.  

So – basically, I want advice or thoughts on this situation. Also, I want thoughts on our future. We want to begin our careers that seem right for us. The problem is that I’m not sure if both of us can end up in the same city with our ideal career positions. Right now, I may be seeing it through a skewed perspective, but I feel like maybe, in the end, one of us won’t be as happy and become bitter.

Thanks for any thoughts, suggestions, advice, etc.

Post # 3
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

@secretbee1234321:  Been there, done that. You are right, if both of you wish to pursue your individual career aspirations then you might not end up in the same city. But that need not spell doom for your relationship. You can have a long distance relationship or be with each other part of the year or meet on weekends. It will be pretty selfish for either of you to ask the other to compromise on their dreams – whoever gets the short end of the stick isn’t going to be too happy. But when two people are committed to a relationship they can move mountains. So have a heart to heart with your SO, tell him what you want in life and ask him what he wants, and then try to work out the logistics – whether going LD is a solution or some other arrangement will work for you. 

Post # 4
Member
9 posts
Newbee

@Aquababes: Thank you for your thoughts. We were in a long-distance relationship for one year before moving in together. Of course, it was hard, and we are glad that it’s over. However, the wedding date is set for May, and I know that I don’t want to have a long-distance marraige. 

Since it sounds like you went through a similiar situation, how did you work things out? 

Post # 5
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I had a similar problem, until we talked about it and realized that DH’s job prospects are a heck of a lot more flexible than mine. So he ended up moving to where I was, instead of vice versa. I totally understand not wanting a long distance marriage – I would have put my foot down about that too. I refuse to be married if it’s going to be long distance.

Post # 6
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

@secretbee1234321:  Unfortunately we couldn’t. I did give up everything for him, moved to his city and remained a housewife minus wife for him for close to 5 years, forgetting my own dreams and aspirations. Only I know how unhappy and hollow I used to feel all the time. He was abusive so in the end that doomed our relationship, but part of the time (around 1.5 years) we were LD and were pursuing our own respective careers. I would definitely say that was the happiest phase of our relationship – LD worked marvellously well for us. We used to meet as often as we could.

I can give other, more positive examples, though. One of my friends is in a long distance London-Glasgow marriage for the last 4 years. They are doing pretty well. Another couple I know of, are pursuing their PhDs in the UK (him) and the USA (her). They got married a year back and are so far quite happy with their situation. My father was in France for 5 years (job reasons) while mother stayed in London. I actually haven’t heard of a single case where a marriage broke down because the couple lived and worked in separate cities. But of course, to each their own. 

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