Post # 1
So to give you a little back story, my Fiance and I met online and everything was going well for the first few months until I caught him lying to me about watching porn. Now, mind you, I don’t really care about the porn, but I do care about being lied to. After having a discussion about it, I thought we came to the understanding that I didn’t care if he looked at porn as long as he didn’t lie about it. Well, I catch him up another night, and I ask him what he’s doing, and he answers me honestly…so I roll over and go back to bed. Nothing happens, no fights, nothing brought up later on, literally nothing. So things are good for a bit, he stays honest, but then reverts right back.
He continued to lie to me, about everything and anything, and then when I would confront him he denied it til the end, until I had shown some sort of proof, then confessed and says sorry. Everytime he would say he’s learned his lesson, blah blah blah, but then repeats the same behavior. Well we finally went to couple’s counseling for a while and things started off alright, but then got worse.
We stopped going to the counselor and started just talking everything out. After several more repeats of empty promises and lies, he’s finally started to change a bit. He has been really honest with me over the past few months and has completely stopped lying, but I’m just not sure if I can ever forgive him for doing something that he knew would hurt me. We’re supposed to be getting married next year, and I have major doubts, not just cold feet. Should I give him another chance or just pick up and leave? Help Bees!
Post # 3
I hate being lied to. I think most people do. But I need more information to vote in the poll.
Other than porn, what does he lie about? I sorta understand why guys lie about porn because maybe they’re embarrassed. But since you’re ok with it, it doesn’t make sense for him to continue lying about it.
That said, some of your language triggers me to wonder if you’re in the position of checking up on him constantly and being suspicious of him. Words like: “catching” him and “confronting” him with “proof” of his lying. Are you snooping on him? Is he doing things to violate your relationship boundaries (for example, having secretive communication with other women)?
The thing in a relationship that starts controlling behavior from one person and shady behavior from the other is known as a parent/child dynamic. It sets up the relationship for disaster and it’s not a healthy way for adults to behave towards each other. You’re not his mother and he’s not a child who has to answer to you.
Still, lying is very wrong. If he’s a pathological liar for no reason other than just to lie, then you should consider getting out of this relationship. That’s a hard thing to ever change, most of them don’t.
This is a stab in the dark. As I said, more information needed.
Edit: If the only thing he’s lying to you about is watching porn I’d say to let it go. His personal masturbation habits are just that, his personal habits. Maybe he doesn’t want to share every tiny little detail with you. Which should be ok, right?
Post # 4
I read the title and skimmed the blog.
I burst into flames when people lie to me.
And someone that I’m MARRYING, spending the rest of my waking life with, having children with, sleeping next to every night, lying to me EVERY DAY?!
I’d rather get a bad hair cut and then eat the hair on the floor than live through that the rest of my life.
Post # 5
He lied about everything: from how much something costs (saying it costs less if he wanted to buy it, or more if he was buying it for me) to what he ate, to how late he slept in, if he talked to his parents, etc. It’s literally everything.
Initially I didn’t feel like I was checking up on him, but more and more so now I feel like I’m the detention teacher in our relationship. There really isn’t much I stress out about as long as it’s honest (hey tell me if you think I look fat in something, I don’t get insulted), it’s the being lied to that I can’t stand. He’s never actually crossed any boundaries when it comes to cheating with another person or having secret emails/texts/conversations, it’s just the constant lying about things he doesn’t even need to lie about.
@sunfire: I agree if it was just porn, whatever, but it’s everything!
Post # 6
You answered your own question. Major doubts are never good. Stick with your intuition.
Post # 7
Things only get harder after marriage. If things are this bad now, you should get out.
Post # 8
If he lies about literally everything, and you feel like you have to constantly check up on him, then yes, I think you should leave him. The damage is already done — he lies; you don’t trust him; he knows you don’t trust him; the cycle continues…
Post # 9
Honestly I couldn’t deal with the lies. It’s probably the most important thing to me. When I was younger I made a new years resolution to stop lying and it’s the one thing I CANNOT STAND! Most of all I hated being called a liar (and when it happened after I decided to stop I was really hurt). Anyway, I digress. I find it odd that he lies about porn when you’ve proven your totally fine with it. Maybe he gets a buzz out of it? That’s not cool. Lying about money is a total no-no especially once you’re married. Only you know if it’s more than cold feet and if you should act on it, but it sounds like you think it is.
Post # 10
You told him, basically, “I can deal with whatever, just don’t lie to me.”
So he’s lying to you.
It sounds like it could be a test to see if you “love him enough” to put up with that bullshit, or maybe a control thing where’s he trying to prove that you can’t “tell him what to do.” Probably unconscious on his part. I bet if you said, “This wouldn’t bother me… why did you lie?” he wouldn’t have a good answer.
I don’t think you should marry him until you feel 100% that you can trust him. And if I were at the point where I was considering leaving as a possibility, that would decide me.
Post # 11
You’ve tried talking to him. It hasn’t worked. You’ve tried COUNSELING and it hasn’t worked. I would cut my losses and find someone willing and ABLE to be honest with me.
Post # 12
@confused3975: Yikes. I don’t understand people who do that! If this is a huge thing for you (and it would be for me) you may want to at the very least postpone your wedding. I’m not sure I could live with that. It seems like a pretty huge character flaw.
Did your couples counselor give any hope for him to make a permanent change? I have a bad feeling this kind of behavior is usually deeply ingrained in childhood and he will most likely always be this way.
If you can trust him to only lie about “trivial” things and nothing major (such as cheating or serious money issues) then you’ll have to decide if you want to put up with this the rest of your life. I couldn’t, to be honest.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
If I couldn’t trust a single word out of my fiance’s mouth, I wouldn’t be his fiance. With that having been said, why did you agree to marry him? He must have some redeeming qualities, right?
To me, lies are lies. Sure, some are smaller than others, but they’re still lies. Lies hurt. I couldn’t commit my life to someone I couldn’t trust.
Post # 14
@confused3975 Marrying a compulsive liar is not a good idea, at all.
I don’t know the details of lies or how long you have been together but deception of any sort in a relationship is never good and he isnt even lying about major stuff he is lying about every single little thing even when there is no reason to lie?! Inexcusable!
Like Torrid said, I would never be comfortable living the rest of my life and future like that. Who knows how much he can be hiding and covering up with lies… You can either try counselling to get to the root of the problem and fix it if it is fixable or see him for who he is a compulsive liar and cut your losses and end the relationship.
Post # 15
Oh wow, I think you may be with my ex-husband 🙂
Our issues started with porn also, and with you, I don’t care that you watch it but don’t hide it and don’t lie about it! This slowly spread to bills (he said they were paid, and they weren’t), to coversations he had with others (mostly girls, he did cheat), to over draft charges, to eviction notices, idenity theft, etc…etc…etc…
Get out while you can, I stayed with my ex and we ended up having a beautiful child together but his lies caused me to get physically ill and to develop anxiety/panic attacks. I can’t get away from him to this day, and his lies are something I still have to live with, the worst part of it is my daughter is exposed to them and hears them as well! Now not only do I have to still get over my own anger from being lied to constantly, but I have to explain to my child why her father hasn’t followed through again!
Feel free to PM me if you have anything you would like to ask or to talk about
Post # 16
I think that regardless of you being okay with the porn thing, many men feel embarassed about it. Also, masturbation is a very personal thing, so him not informing you that he’s masturbating shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s his right to have that level of privacy as long as he isn’t doing anything wrong.