(Closed) Compulsive Liar….call off the engagement?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    Stay together and seek more counseling : (10 votes)
    8 %
    Stay together and see if he keeps being honest : (6 votes)
    5 %
    Stay together, but postpone the wedding : (14 votes)
    12 %
    Take a break from each other for now and postpone the wedding : (18 votes)
    15 %
    Call off the engagement, but try to work things out : (7 votes)
    6 %
    Don't make the mistake of getting married and leave : (63 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9648 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I hate being lied to.  I think most people do.  But I need more information to vote in the poll.

    Other than porn, what does he lie about?  I sorta understand why guys lie about porn because maybe they’re embarrassed.  But since you’re ok with it, it doesn’t make sense for him to continue lying about it.

    That said, some of your language triggers me to wonder if you’re in the position of checking up on him constantly and being suspicious of him.  Words like:  “catching” him and “confronting” him with “proof” of his lying.  Are you snooping on him?  Is he doing things to violate your relationship boundaries (for example, having secretive communication with other women)?

    The thing in a relationship that starts controlling behavior from one person and shady behavior from the other is known as a parent/child dynamic.  It sets up the relationship for disaster and it’s not a healthy way for adults to behave towards each other.  You’re not his mother and he’s not a child who has to answer to you.

    Still, lying is very wrong.  If he’s a pathological liar for no reason other than just to lie, then you should consider getting out of this relationship.  That’s a hard thing to ever change, most of them don’t.

    This is a stab in the dark.  As I said, more information needed.

    Edit:  If the only thing he’s lying to you about is watching porn I’d say to let it go.  His personal masturbation habits are just that, his personal habits.  Maybe he doesn’t want to share every tiny little detail with you.  Which should be ok, right?

    Post # 4
    Member
    2523 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I read the title and skimmed the blog.

    I burst into flames when people lie to me.

    And someone that I’m MARRYING, spending the rest of my waking life with, having children with, sleeping next to every night, lying to me EVERY DAY?!

    I’d rather get a bad hair cut and then eat the hair on the floor than live through that the rest of my life.

    Post # 6
    Member
    264 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    You answered your own question. Major doubts are never good. Stick with your intuition.

    Post # 7
    Member
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Things only get harder after marriage. If things are this bad now, you should get out.

    Post # 8
    Member
    4511 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    If he lies about literally everything, and you feel like you have to constantly check up on him, then yes, I think you should leave him. The damage is already done — he lies; you don’t trust him; he knows you don’t trust him; the cycle continues…

    Post # 9
    Member
    3969 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    Honestly I couldn’t deal with the lies.  It’s probably the most important thing to me.  When I was younger I made a new years resolution to stop lying and it’s the one thing I CANNOT STAND! Most of all I hated being called a liar (and when it happened after I decided to stop I was really hurt). Anyway, I digress.  I find it odd that he lies about porn when you’ve proven your totally fine with it.  Maybe he gets a buzz out of it? That’s not cool. Lying about money is a total no-no especially once you’re married. Only you know if it’s more than cold feet and if you should act on it, but it sounds like you think it is.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    You told him, basically, “I can deal with whatever, just don’t lie to me.”

    So  he’s lying to you.

    It sounds like it could be a test to see if you “love him enough” to put up with that bullshit, or maybe a control thing where’s he trying to prove that you can’t “tell him what to do.” Probably unconscious on his part. I bet if you said, “This wouldn’t bother me… why did you lie?” he wouldn’t have a good answer. 

    I don’t think you should marry him until you feel 100% that you can trust him. And if I were at the point where I was considering leaving as a possibility, that would decide me.

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    2607 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    You’ve tried talking to him.  It hasn’t worked.  You’ve tried COUNSELING and it hasn’t worked.  I would cut my losses and find someone willing and ABLE to be honest with me.

    Post # 12
    Member
    9648 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @confused3975:  Yikes.  I don’t understand people who do that!  If this is a huge thing for you (and it would be for me) you may want to at the very least postpone your wedding.  I’m not sure I could live with that.  It seems like a pretty huge character flaw.

    Did your couples counselor give any hope for him to make a permanent change?  I have a bad feeling this kind of behavior is usually deeply ingrained in childhood and he will most likely always be this way.

    If you can trust him to only lie about “trivial” things and nothing major (such as cheating or serious money issues) then you’ll have to decide if you want to put up with this the rest of your life.  I couldn’t, to be honest. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2183 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

    If I couldn’t trust a single word out of my fiance’s mouth, I wouldn’t be his fiance. With that having been said, why did you agree to marry him? He must have some redeeming qualities, right?

    To me, lies are lies. Sure, some are smaller than others, but they’re still lies. Lies hurt. I couldn’t commit my life to someone I couldn’t trust.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @confused3975 Marrying a compulsive liar is not a good idea, at all.

    I don’t know the details of lies or how long you have been together but deception of any sort in a relationship is never good and he isnt even lying about major stuff he is lying about every single little thing even when there is no reason to lie?! Inexcusable!

    Like Torrid said, I would never be comfortable living the rest of my life and future like that. Who knows how much he can be hiding and covering up with lies… You can either try counselling to get to the root of the problem and fix it if it is fixable or see him for who he is a compulsive liar and cut your losses and end the relationship.

    Post # 15
    Member
    911 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Oh wow, I think you may be with my ex-husband 🙂

    Our issues started with porn also, and with you, I don’t care that you watch it but don’t hide it and don’t lie about it! This slowly spread to bills (he said they were paid, and they weren’t), to coversations he had with others (mostly girls, he did cheat), to over draft charges, to eviction notices, idenity theft, etc…etc…etc…

    Get out while you can, I stayed with my ex and we ended up having a beautiful child together but his lies caused me to get physically ill and to develop anxiety/panic attacks. I can’t get away from him to this day, and his lies are something I still have to live with, the worst part of it is my daughter is exposed to them and hears them as well! Now not only do I have to still get over my own anger from being lied to constantly, but I have to explain to my child why her father hasn’t followed through again!

    Feel free to PM me if you have anything you would like to ask or to talk about

    Post # 16
    Member
    2781 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think that regardless of you being okay with the porn thing, many men feel embarassed about it. Also, masturbation is a very personal thing, so him not informing you that he’s masturbating shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s his right to have that level of privacy as long as he isn’t doing anything wrong.

    The topic ‘Compulsive Liar….call off the engagement?’ is closed to new replies.

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