(Closed) Concerned about FI’s drinking

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Am I overreacting here? No, you are definitely not overreacting. You say you don’t think he is an alcohol problem, but I would disagree. When your drinking habits begin affecting your relationship, that’s a major indicator that there is a problem. And his drinking IS affecting your relationship. He is not treating you with respect. He isn’t taking you seriously.

Alcoholics are not just people who drink every day or are physically dependent on it. You can be alcoholic just for the way act when you’re drinking. It all boils down to having an unhealthy relationship with alcoholic, even if that relationship is only once a month.

I would suggest going to an AA meeting (even if it’s just by yourself). There will be other friends and family members there who are not addicts themselves.

Finally, be strong and listen to your gut. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from an unhealthy situation, but it’s a lot easier than walking away 15 years from now. Of course, you can’t force someone to realize or admit that there’s a problem. But you CAN control what you do and how you react to it. And you do NOT need to put up with behavior like this. You deserve the best.

Post # 4
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i dont think you are over reacting, i think anyone that cant stop at one or five drinks and ends up being an ugly drunk consistently does have a problem

what is his reaction if you go out and you say that you want him to stop at five and go home by a certain time??  can he go out for a good time and not drink at all?

Post # 6
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

How old is he? Sometimes guys take longer to grow out of their partying stage than women. He might be getting to the point in his life where he will soon get sick of it and cut back.

If he refuses to leave places when you are ready to or he gets out of control, then maybe you should try to find him some resources about binge drinking and how to handle himself in those situations. That would worry me greatly if it was my Fiance, I would constantly worry about something happening to him, especially if I was not there. Sounds like some of his friends are not good influences.

Post # 7
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@maggierose: Even if it’s not consistently, 100% of the time that he’s having trouble keeping it under control, he still has a problem with drinking. The fact that he can’t stop drinking at the end of the night when he’s clearly already at home and quite drunk already is a huge red flag. Just because he can sometimes stop doesn’t mean he’s not an alcoholic. I really think he might be.

Post # 8
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Just think of this, when in 2 years’ time you’re having problems with his drinking, you cannot say you didn’t know before you married him..

Post # 9
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

you’re definitely not over-reacting and it IS definitely a problem for him.  I once ran an group for people who had been arrested for alcohol-related offences, and during the training I learned that it is not how frequently someone drinks that always indicates a problem – it’s the lack of an ‘off’ switch once they get started so that they really literally cannot stop. even if it just happens once a year.  And when he gets so drunk you can’t even reason with him and make him see sense of course it’s a problem.  I think it’s actually more difficult for you to make him realise this though because he’s not violent, he’s just silly and annoying, so it’s hard to make him understand why it bothers you so much.  unfortunately sometimes it takes an accident or something to make people realise it’s bad.  Or he may never see it as a problem, I have a good friend who drinks wine like water, but only about once very two months. so she gets totally utterly annihilated (one night kept turning on the gas on the stove!! i had to keep turning it off and she also broke stuff, etc.) but I don’t think she’ll ever see it as a problem. 

I am wondering though, if he had ended up having to poop out your e-ring, if that would make him stop!! (sorry, couldn’t stop that thought popping into my head!!)

Post # 10
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh girl, I feel for you. I have an ex who acted like this with alcohol. It definitely caused problems in the relationship. Good luck, sweetie, hope you can figure things out! 🙁

Post # 11
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@londongal: I am wondering though, if he had ended up having to poop out your e-ring, if that would make him stop!!

Ha! True true…I do wonder what his reaction would be if this happened!

Post # 12
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

That sounds like a bit of a problem, yes. Is there a third party who can talk to him who is also concerned? A family member, a friend, a mentor, a doctor? There are lots of resources out there – this doesn’t have to be just the two of you.

Post # 13
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@maggierose: I don’t think you are overreacting.  It’s an issue that bothers you.  Bottom line.  It will only bug you more when you are married, because you will feel stuck.  Address your issues with this BEFORE you get married.  

Your comments about getting drunk at the wedding remind me SO much of an ex.  It took him getting drunk at a family friend’s wedding (he was a Groomsmen, but all of my extended family was there) and him passing out and then PUKING at my mom’s house for me to see how ridiculous I had been and how I couldn’t put up with this type of behavior anymore.

Darling Husband drinks but doesn’t have the behavior issues that my ex did and can control him.  We all get silly and stupid from time to time and I think there should be grace for the occassional crazy night – but once in a blue moon is different than monthly or weekly, at least for me.

At the end of the day – you are the one who will have to put up with his crap…. and the question is – do you want a lifetime of this?  He could grow out of it – but do you really want to chance your future (and any kids you have with him) to this?  Also keep in mind: YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM – it’s a life decision he needs to do on his own.  

Post # 14
Member
2216 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hmm…I don’t necessarily think that he has an alcohol problem.  You said that it depends on where you are at and who you are with?  How old is your FI?  Does your Fiance have self-esteem problems?  Does he just like to drink because he thinks it “cool?”  Does he ever miss work because of being hung over?

I’m leaning more towards the side that he is just being an immature drunk, rather than a raging alcoholic.  Boys will be boys.

I also don’t think you’re overacting either.  You are genuinely concerned about your Fiance.  My advice is to have a real talk with him after you’ve calm down, but not after he’s been drinking.  Or take a couple of days to yourself after he’s been out drinking, so he knows you’re serious about wanting him to change.

Best of luck hun. 

Post # 15
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This is unacceptable behavior to me.  Some women are fine with it, I am not.  FI liked to party during college and I gave him some space to do that becuase I didn’t want resentment to build.  It worked fine for us but there was always communication.  Now, he drinks much less and goes out much less.  I let him know I wasn’t going to marry that type of person and he would need to tone it down, so he did.  We had a friend get super drunk this weekend and get robbed at gun point becuase he got kicked out of a bar and ended up on his own.  Those were always the type of things I was concerned about.  It was never a trust issue I just worried about his safety.

Post # 16
Member
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My stepsister and her husband have been married for 6 years. They have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Her husband holds down a job, doesn’t miss work because of alcohol, doesn’t drink much if he’s home with just his family. If he goes to the bar though it’s all over. He doesn’t necessarily go all the time but when he does, he will get ridiculously drunk, even in the middle of the week, until all hours of the night, he’s come home at 5 am before. He will come home and wake up the babies because he is so drunk he doesn’t know better. He is the most outrageous, ridiculous drunk I’ve ever seen. At a family event I watched him drink an entire bottle of Jim Beam, and he refused to put down his drink while playing croquet. I love the man, he’s very polite, very sweet, and if I’m drunk with him it’s usually a lot of fun but he is a disaster, he rarely even remembers how he got home.

I’m telling you this because it sounds like your story. My stepsister and he met while they were both drinking and partying. When they were dating and engaged they were always drunk and partying. She knew that when they got married she’d settle down, and when they had kids she’d be an “old lady” and she assumed he would as well. He didn’t. He is 40 years old and was diagnosed with liver disease 5 years ago. The doctors told him at that first diagnosis that he needed to stop drinking, it could be reversed but even one drink would cause further damage. He chose not to. My stepsister decided having kids would change his mind. 2 children later, he still hasn’t stopped drinking and still refuses to, even with threats of divorce. He’s cut back, but that isn’t enough.

My fiance was a drug addict back in the day, well before I knew him. We’ve discussed the options if he were to relapse which is a possibility with any addict. Leaving him isn’t the way to solve the problem. If he refuses help though it leaves you with no other choice. If he can’t control himself once he starts drinking then he probably shouldn’t be drinking at all. There are numerous options, AA is a great first step. It may work, it may not, but even if it doesn’t there are numerous other resources and the connections you make at AA can help point you in the right direction. He will need a lot of support from you during this time. However, you may want to consider whether you want to deal with this fight for the rest of your life. He’s choosing not to respect you, he’s choosing to put the alcohol ahead of you. Abusing alcohol is still an issue whether it puts you in the class of “alcoholic” or not. It is something that you both need to think long and hard about. I know my stepsister was blinded by the fancy wedding and the promise of babies, her father even told me out of all of his daughters she was the one that wanted those things the most, don’t let those things cloud your judgment because I promise you, the wedding is over in a day, but the marriage and the babies will just make things harder and harder between you two, whether there’s an alcohol issue or not.

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