Post # 1
Sorry is this is a little long…
My Maid/Matron of Honor has been my best friend forever. Literally. We grew up down the street from each other. I was her Maid/Matron of Honor about 5 years ago and my Fiance used her to help set up my proposal… so obviously she was the only option to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and gladly accepted.
Anyway, since I got engaged she found out she’s pregnant with her 2nd child, the first just turned a yea old. Baby is due in April, my wedding is in July. I hadn’t really put much thought into it, but she’s starting to say things that make me question if she can really commit to being a bridesmaid, much less a Maid/Matron of Honor.
It started with her asking me if I have suggestions of what to do with the kids during the wedding (adult only reception, just like hers), saying how she can’t leave the baby if she’s breast feeding, when she used her pump all weekend once it messed up her breast milk with the first baby, how neither set of grandparents will watch the baby, etc. Then she’s making me feel bad saying maybe her husband will just have to stay at the hotel with the kids and she’ll run back and forth between events to feed the baby, but the other option would be having a baby around all day thats going to be crying and sleeping and we’ll have to be quiet. I just figured when you have kids you’re responsible for figuring out what to do with them in these situations.
When the bachelorette party comes up she keeps bringing up something like facials and dinner. I feel like she’s going to make it something easy and convenient for her even though I got a huge awesome condo at the beach for a long weekend for her bachelorette party when I was broke and in grad school. Basically, I feel like I’m not going to be able to have the same or a similar bachelorette experience because I’m getting married “too late”.
What do I do? Do I suck it up and let things work themselves out bc I’ll probably have a blast no matter what we do? Do I tell her how I feel but make no mention of her stepping down? Do I give her the option to step down so my wedding isn’t an inconvenience to her? I don’t want to be upset with her and I don’t want to ask for more than she might be capable of either.
Post # 2
TXbride2015: Let her bring the baby to the wedding. He or she will only be 3 months old, s/he will just feed and sleep. You will not need to be quiet for the baby. I brought my 2 1/2 month old to my sister’s wedding (I wasn’t in the bridal party) and she slept just fine. Apart from Maid/Matron of Honor doing the occasional feed, MOH’s husband can look after baby and you’ll barely notice.
Let her opt out of the bachelorette or do something smaller. If you want a weekend bachelorette it’ll have to be without her.
p.s. As for “when you have kids you work these situations out” – yes, when you have a newborn baby you either bring baby, stay home, or go out for a shorter time.
Post # 3
TXbride2015: Let her bring the baby. It will be easier for everyone. If you really want her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor then readjust your expectations. The most important thing is for her to be there on your wedding day and not go crazy planning a bachlorette/shower.
Post # 4
I’d just let her bring the baby. Up until 5-6 months old babies usually sleep like the dead. I’ve sat next to newborn infants in loud movies that didn’t even flutter. They just happily snoozed away.
Post # 5
TXbride2015: It doesn’t even matter if she is the Maid/Matron of Honor or just attending your wedding- nothing changes about her baby needing to be fed.
Here’s a positive experience. One of our groomsmen’s wives had a new baby at our wedding. You’d never have even known he was there- except you could see him! They did opt to get a babysitter for thier two year old- BUT it was so they could enjoy themselves– as he was invited.
You should never compare bach parties. I got a hotel room for my sister, we did manis and went out to dinner and drinking all night.
She never once mentioned a hotel room for me. I took her to a very high end spa. She took me to an everyday nail place. As it turns out– I was getting over being sick the night of- so I had no desire to go out and drink BUT we did get nails done and have dinner and do a little shopping. My husband still had his all-night-at-the-casino hotel room drunkfest LOL. Everything was still great.
I feel like you are slightly unfair having “expectations” as to what your bach will be like in the first place–
Just let your Maid/Matron of Honor bring the baby– but perhaps request she get a sitter for one year old since it’s a kids-free event.
A three month old is much different than a toddler. If you want her to even attend- it’s best you let her bring the baby, because she’s not going to mess up her milk supply for your wedding– and I don’t blame her if breastfeeding is a priority.
Tiny babies sleep through anything- you aren’t going to have to shush your wedding for the baby.
Post # 6
TXbride2015: Is there a place at your venue where she could go to breast feed the baby? Perhaps a friend (she must have a friend that isnt invited to your wedding or family member) could come to be on “baby duty” and spend the night w/the baby in that particular room. For example, we had access to a huge bridal suite that I easily could have had someone in. Otherwise – I’d just say – let her bring the baby.
Perhaps for the bachelorette thing – I would ask her if she feels up for planning a bachelorette or if you want to pass that off to another bridesmaid. I totally understand feeling left out in terms of what you planned for hers ~ my ladies planned me a long weekend at the beach and it was a total blast. I can’t imagine turning around and planning something simple for my sister (who was my MOH). Perhaps you can include her in part of it (maybe have one night a totally chill night) and have the next night be your going out and getting drunk night. That way, she can decide if she wants to just come for one or attend both night.
Post # 7
Edit: Nevermind. Not worth a warn for this…
Post # 8
MrsEME: I know I can’t demand anything for a bach party. It probably wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t thinking of how mine will compare to the one I threw for her. All of my friends are spread out over multiple cities and states. I’m probably not even having any showers. I know its selfish, but I do want to feel like I get at least one of those bride-to-be moments… doesn’t every girl?
And this isn’t so much about bringing the baby to the wedding, but the wedding weekend and there are rehearsals and dinners and bridesmaids luncheons and getting ready and all the stuff before the wedding, pictures, wedding and reception. And she’s already saying she doesn’t even have a plan for the toddler so it’s not just the infant who she’s wanting to bring. And I will never tell her not to feed her baby, I just wonder if she’d rather just be a guest and not have all the other stuff/events to worry about.
And my other hesitation is that family has already been told about this being a kid-free event. Family that would have brought their own young children and instead are going to make other arrangements or have already said they won’t be able to attend.
Post # 9
MrsYokiman: Wow… that’s slightly unneccessary.
I want both myself and my Maid/Matron of Honor to have a great time. It’s not just my needs here, but I’m taking her mommy responisibilities into consideration to think maybe that when she’s super pregnant or having a new born she feels like she needs to worry about my wedding.
Post # 10
TXbride2015: A toddler is an ENTIRELY different story. You should somehow make it clear that you expect the toddler to be babysat. That is not an unreasonable request at all. Toddlers run around, don’t sleep, and are easy to babysit. There is no contradiction between allowing newborns and not other children.
You might need to allow her husband and baby to be nearby while you are all getting ready. As for the rehearsal: that should be short anyway. Basically, she’ll need to be feeding baby at times, but you should be able to work it out with minimum distuption.
Post # 11
Hmm guess I am in the minority here, but i understand your concerns and do think your Maid/Matron of Honor is being a little unfair. As a mother of a 6 week old who is breastfeeding, I would make it work for my BFF for a weekend. I don’t know why she couldn’t bring her baby, have her husband watch him and bring him to her when the baby is ready to eat, every 2 to 3 hrs. If there was a room for then to stay in. As for the reception, I would probably eat and bow out early. I would never want to concern my BFF on her big day and would just make it work.
Post # 12
TXbride2015: Yep, it was harsh, which is why I took it down. But I still think you need to chill. Considering asking her to step down because she’s breastfeeding and can’t plan the party of your dreams isn’t cool. Think about this: you gave her an awesome condo on the beach for her bachelorette. Maybe she wanted a spa day. It’s all about perspective. Be happy you have an MoH who’s willing to do these things for you while juggling a newborn and a toddler.
Post # 13
MrsYokiman: I’m not crying over it, or thinking it’s the end of the world or my wedding will be ruined. I’m not some of the girls here saying they hate their ring and they told their Fiance they wanted another style. I’m acknowledging that my wedding isn’t going to be her #1 priority and wondering if giving her the option to back down is best for her first and foremost.
It’s just a concern. One that came up at the end of this week. I found out she was pregnant about a month ago and it wasn’t until she started asking questions about her kids that I thought maybe it’s all a lot to ask of her right now. I was hoping from insight from people who are getting married, or went through something similar. I guess I was under the assumption that she’d find a solution than come to me asking me to figure it out.
And the perspective thing… she asked for the weekend at the beach, I gave it to her. I had tank tops custom made, hand designed party cups, got other goodies/party favors, decorations for the condo, etc. 2 big nights out at bars and recovering by the beach pool during the day. We talked about how it’ll be so much fun to do it all again when it’s my turn. I’m already lowering my expectations.
Post # 14
TXbride2015: I’m acknowledging that my wedding isn’t going to be her #1 priority and wondering if giving her the option to back down is best for her first and foremost.
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”><br />I can promise you, your wedding will not be a priority to anyone but you and your FH. I don’t say that to be ugly, I say it because that’s how it is for EVERYONE. I’ll be the first one to admit that people have kids and seem to totally forget what it was like before. If I was your friend I’d 100% find a way to make it work without having the wedding revolve around me and my baby. That being said, parties, showers, and weekends away are not a requirement when being in the bridal party. You should not be comparing what you did for your friend to what she will do for you. She’s in a different place in her life than you are. </div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”> </div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>FWIW, all of my cousins are much older than me. When they got married they had kid free weddings and I wasn’t invited to any of them. Fast forward to my wedding they all have kids and were difficult about their kids not being invited.</div>
Post # 15
TXbride2015: Your wedding isn’t until July– how could you even expect her to have a solid plan in place for the toddler at the moment LOL– I mean come on.
If she feels she can’t attend the luncheons or the rehearsal or whatever event– let her share that with you. The rehearsal I bet she’ll make special plans to attend– but what’s the big deal if she deosn’t attend a luncheon? The newborn that attended our wedding- he attended our rehearsal, too. Again, I didn’t hear a peep out of him!!
I don’t know- if when she tells you she doesn’t have a plan for her toddler- if it’s because you’re asking, or she’s volunteering the info. I know that my Bridesmaid or Best Man who was pregnant at my wedding– she wasn’t realy into thinking about wedding crap, chatting or dress shopping AT ALL her first trimester. She was feeling really ill in comparison to her first pregnancy, had to take many personal days at work just to get through it- and she had a one year at home.
You have so much time until your wedding.
And her husband will be there for most of the events– so honestly, if you stop stressing about it, be appreciate of whatever events you DO have– it will all be OK 🙂