Post # 16
Do you have other bridesmaids that would be involved in the bachelorette planning? I get that you want to have a fun weekend that compares to what you would do for your friends, but maybe if your Maid/Matron of Honor can’t do that for you right now, someone else will step up.
Post # 17
I’m not really on the same page as most other posters. If she found it acceptable to have a child free wedding including newborms that are breast feeding, then it’s extremely rude to expect you to behave differently simply because she is now the one with the child. However, simply to save the friendship I would try and see if being Maid/Matron of Honor is to much right now or just allow her to bring baby.
Post # 18
It sounds like your Maid/Matron of Honor is someone who is incredibly important to you and has been in your life for a long time. Because of this, I think you should do everything you can (within reason) to make it easy for her to be in your wedding. Although it is your day, I think you should think of the bridal party as people you want to honour by including them in your day, rather than people who are there to help you or do things for you.
Post # 19
This is kinda why I would never have a wedding without inviting children.. At our wedding we didn’t have any ‘program’ for kids or anything, but we invited everyone’s children and figured it was up to the parents to either entertain them and look after them at the wedding, or to find a babysitter.. I think if children are 4-5+, it’s not too hard to leave them behind for a weekend and you can usually find a babysitter, but you can’t really ask a mother to leave her tiny baby behind.. the whole idea of not including children just because they’re small makes no sense to me..
I guess in this case it’s too late to go back on your word and include children if people have already made their travel and babysitting arrangements.. so what I’d do would be this:
Tell your Maid/Matron of Honor that the most important thing to you is to have her standing up there with you when you say ‘I do’ , and apart from that you want her to feel comfortable at your wedding and do whatever she needs to do regarding her children.. So if she needs to disappear for a while to take care of them/leave early/ etc, it’s all fine by you. Tell her to do whatever she needs to do to feel comfortable for the entire weekend. She’s probably consulting with you because she’s worried about upsetting you but at the same time she isn’t comfortable leaving her small children.. so just make it clear to her that you’re fine with whatever arrangements she needs to make.
Regarding the bachelorette party, if I were you I’d just leave it up to her to plan whatever she plans, and go along and enjoy it. The fact is, if she has small children, it’s not going to be a drunk weekend away.. you couldn’t expect her to plan that for you. But I wouldn’t even bring up the subject with her.. I’d just leave it up to her. I think if you asked one of the other bridesmaids to plan a weekend away that she couldn’t even go on, she might feel pretty hurt.
Post # 20
I can’t speak for your Maid/Matron of Honor on the child situation, but I do think youre a good friend for thinking about her, and her needs as mom at your wedding which seems to be something she didn’t need to deal with when she had her wedding.
As for the Bachelorette Party…
I was in my BFFs wedding and she had three bridesmaids who were in three different cities. Since we couldn’t all rendezvous for a bachelorette she came to see each of us, and we had our own bachelorette events with her. Obviously nothing too over the top, but it was nice for her to have personalized time with us. I”m saying this because, you could still have your version of a great bachelorette with the girls, and cater some of it to your Maid/Matron of Honor. She can’t commit to a whole weekend shin-dig, but maybe plan a few events… Spa, dinner, and then drinks with the whole group and let her decide what she’s comfortable attending.
My bachelorette was a day at the spa, sushi dinner, and then we met up with friends at the gay bar and danced all night.. my friends were all in different points of their lives (some were in school and had exams, others were in tighter places financially), and I said, I’d like to see you, if it means you come for one drink, or spend the whole day… you choose what you have time for and I’ll be more than ok with that.
You can still have what you want, just let her decide how much time she can give you. I’m sure she’s your best friend and she’ll do her best to be there as much as she can. Think of what you would prefer, to have her there some of the time, or to not have her share any of it with you…
Post # 21
About the bachelorette, maybe you could do a whole-weekend thing but make it ‘in town’ rather than ‘out of town’? You could have an afternoon in a spa, then dinner, drinks, night out.. and brunch the next day.. And your Maid/Matron of Honor could just attend whatever she’ s comfortable with? Like she could come for the spa-afternoon, then go home to take care of her kids and come back for drinks later.. and come to brunch the next day.. ?
Post # 22
So I come from a perspective of being a pregnant bridesmaid! 2 weddings I opted out – one was an overseas destination wedding the week I was due, another was two weeks before my due date. I would be deeply hurt if either suggested that they were afraid that I wouldnt “match” what they had done for me For my wedding previously. It’s not a competition and honestly her taking time out, paying for a sitter for her child to spend time with you etc is her way of making an effort. who says you can’t do something like a spa day with her first and then have a weekend away with the girls. She may be feeling terrible, sick and tired but she is still trying to make an effort for you to plan a few things. Unfortunately there are different set of circumstances now than previously. I don’t see bridesmaid luncheons as necessities and if it is that important to you that she attend all these luncheons then choose places that may be more suitable/tolerant Of children,Have a high tea at someone’s house, invite her and let her know that you don’t expect her to come to every single thing. If your idea of Maid of Honour is someone who is expected to spend lots of cash on you and do things that make you feel special than let her know that is what you expect and give her the option of bowing out. if you just hope things will work out you will only end up resentful later and that will heavily impact on your friendship.
Post # 23
i dont think you are being very understanding. She is actually looking for ways to attend your wedding and your pre wedding party events. She suggested she go back and forth btwn the hotel room and the party, thays actually a great idea, a lot of work for her but a great idea. She is still looking for ways to go to your bach party, they might not be what you had in mind, but shes pregnant and she cant be going to a drinking type party for a weekend.
At the end of the day you should just be happy she is there at all. I know a ton of people who would have just backed out c their baby comes first, but she is trying her best to make it work
Post # 24
Making exceptions for nursing babies is typically an exception to childfree weddings. I guess I don’t understand the way you’re feeling because I would do anything to make sure my BFF could stand up with me at my wedding AND enjoy the reception since that is my thank you to my guests and there’s no one I’m more thankful for than her. Also I would feel really guilty if any of my guests had to have their husband sit alone in a hotel room instead of eating/dancing/celebrating with them. So yeah, I’d let my BFF bring her newborn baby to the wedding, reception, rehearsal and whatever else to make sure I could make her comfortable and able to be there, because there’s no one else I’d rather have supporting me on that day. I guess if you don’t feel the same way, reevaluate your friendship (because you can bet she will) and ask her to step down.
Post # 25
Hi Lady. I understand your feelings. I just got married (I am 29, almost 30) and a lot of my friends and family already have babies and are married. I love that for them and its great, but I will admit a small piece of me sometimes gets bummed that they can’t do the same things anymore with me and its just how it shakes out unfortunately. It’s a bummer that this friend or that friend can’t come party for a weekend, but its just how it is. I wouldn’t change it to have been married earlier, I got married when I was ready to get married.
Anywho, one of my bridesmaids had a young 4-5 week old baby, she lives 8 hours away. I had a child-free wedding, but I allowed her son to come. She traveled a long way to be there and it would’ve been hard for her to separate herself from him. He also is special needs and has a feeding tube right now. I didn’t even feel comfortable asking her to be away from him, and honestly I don’t even remember him being there. I saw him maybe for a second, but he was in his seat and didn’t make a peep and was asleep the entire time (so I was told) but it was no bother and made things much easier for her and all was great. I will add she also has a 3 year old that she had a babysitter for and was fine with it- I didnt have to ask her to do that, she just did it. No other guests made a peep about him being there, they all said how cute he was and were inquiring about his health problems. No one minded him there or got upset, they all obviously understood the situation.
I would let things ride out for now since you have a lot of time, but when the moment strikes I would tell her, hey, you know I am having a child free wedding, but if it helps with feeding and makes your life easier, do what you need to do for your child and if that includes bringing him, thats okay. Open up the communication about it. I am sure no one will be offended a small tiny baby is there, they all get it. If they are upset, then that’s their problem.
We just went this weekend to a child-free reception and they ended up having 5 kids there (all young neices and nephews- who also were in the wedding) and I heard not one thing about it from anyone with kids, my sisters all left their babies at home and didnt even mention it or care, we all had a great time. people understand sometimes there are small exceptions.
Post # 26
I agree 🙂
When I remember my wedding, I honestly barely remember who was or wasn’t there.. I was vaguely aware of some small chlidren, but the day is such a whirl of events and emotions that you’re lucky if you even manage to speak to all the guests to say ‘hi and thanks for coming’, let alone having time to notice any children. Unless it’s like a really badly behaved 5-year-old running up the aisle screaming when you’re saying your vows, you just simply won’t notice.. so I think her bringing her baby would be a pretty good solution.
Post # 27
If you don’t want her to be a Maid/Matron of Honor, you could ask her if she’d rather just be a normal bridesmaid or ask if she’d rather go as a guest? It sounds like she might be trying to make it work, but maybe you’d rather have someone else do it? You should ask her what she’d like to do. If it was someone who was that important to me, I’d find a way to make it work.
I would think she’d be able to get a sitter for the toddler? I think that might be the biggest issue…is the wedding in town where she lives or has family nearby? If the hotel is on site or super close, it’s actually not that hard to go up to the room to feed baby if that is what she’d like her husband to do (watch the kids).
I would let her bring the baby since at that age they are still eating pretty frequently. I was a bridesmaid (not MOH) with a 1 month old and my husband came along and he sort of hung out with the guys (I was friends with both the bride and groom) and watched the baby while I got ready, did my hair, and did pictures. I fed her while we had downtime and she did get 2 bottles over the entire day/night. She slept like the entire wedding and reception and during the rehearsal as well. Babies really aren’t too bad, my baby rarely cries outside of being hungry or tired (easy to fix those!). It’s usually the toddlers that are a bigger distraction at weddings.
For the bachelorette party, are there other bridesmaids that can help plan? You don’t always get everything you want for the bachelorette, but you should try working with them to see what works best for everyone. I had a weekend trip, and one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man couldn’t make it. And that’s fine, that is just how it goes. I did go to my friends bachelorette party when I had a 2 week old (!) but I only went to dinner and then straight home, I couldn’t go out to the bars.
Post # 28
she lives about 3.5 hrs from where I live and we are having the wedding. She does not have family here because we have both move from our hometown. Her parents are going to be invited invited to my wedding but she’s made it seem as if they won’t come or watch her toddler.
I i understand that bringing the newborn to the wedding is the likely outcome. That’s never been the issue, but shes acting like it’s going to have to be both kids or that her husband will have to stay at the hotel with them. I appreciate her considering running back and forth to feed and understand that its a lot of work for her which is the main reasoning for considering letting her step down from Maid/Matron of Honor. I won’t love her any less if she says its just too much for her. It would hurt for the wedding to come along and have her make comments about leaving early or not being able to be part of as much.
Also, since she does live 3.5 hours away, I’ve already tried to think of and suggest things in her city or nearby. In fact everything I’ve suggested is already more convenient for her than anyone else in terms of travel and location. When the 10 other girls who are likely attending are still suggesting more of a party weekend it’s difficult to say no because of my Maid/Matron of Honor, when (if I’m honest) it’s what I’d probably enjoy more. I never go out anymore and when everyone except my best friend and Maid/Matron of Honor is on that same page is just disheartening. I want her to be able to be there and do things with us, I understand she’s in a different place in her life with the babies, but there’s also other people who are wanting more.
the last thing I want is to push her out of my wedding Bc I want to drink on a Bach party. obviously some people are pretry sensitive to this topic and only confirms my worries that having the concersation with her and putting the ball in her court to back down would do more harm than any good.
Post # 29
I think maybe looking at her comments a different way migt be helpful for you. She is likely mentioning plnas for the kids to find a way to make it work and to make sure what she is thinking is going to be ok with you. She is clearly trying to make this work and trying to meet your expectations.
If the other bridesmaids want to have a big drinking bash I would have them go a head and plan it, and then talk with your Maid/Matron of Honor about it. If it is something that doesn’t work for her, maybe your cold do the spa/dinner with all of you and then go out. I don’t think this situation needs to be a dramatic issue at all.
Post # 30
If she can be a guest at all, she can be your Maid/Matron of Honor. The point is to have her stand up with you on the day in support of your friendship. She’s doing the right thing to discuss arrangements because many people in your situation would permit a BF infant or provide on premises childcare for the ceremony and reception or parts thereof.
And no, not everyone dreams of over the top bachelorette parties, which are not even considered an official wedding related event, or showers. These things are always optional and at the discretion of the person planning the event. In a million years I would never replace the person closest to me for the most important and symbolic part of my wedding day, ie standing up with me, just because she very understandably can’t do things the same way as she might have four years ago.
I think what you say is that you want her there standing up for you, and work with her on issue of the children. I’d assure her I want nothing else from her. If after all that she’s still acting very nervous, you can tell her that you want her there more than anything but to let you know at any point if she thinks it will be easier for her to attend as a guest. Even getting dressed that day may be a challenge. The distinction is you make it about her needs, not yours, and make clear that you want only what’s managable for her.
A true friend would recognize that circumstances are different now than they were years ago, and that comparing what she “got” for her wedding back then is immature and irrelevant.
The truth is, all she has to do is dress up and be there on the day and attend rehearsal. Even the latter is not really essential until fifteen minutes before.