Post # 31
Well with the drinking weekend, why not just combine it – have an afternoon spa thing, dinner, drinks, night out, Sunday brunch.. and let her attend for whatever part she’s comfortable with?
Regarding the wedding, how many people have really small children (0-2 years) that have been inconvenienced by the fact that you don’t want children present? If most people have older children, I think they will understand if your Maid/Matron of Honor has both her children there. It will just make life easier for all of you (in my opinion). The alternative will have to be her husband sitting with the children in the hotel room and you not minding her running back and forth.
Post # 32
we had a kid free wedding, but I had several guests (including my Bridesmaid or Best Man who flew from europe to be there) who had infants in the 5-8 mo. range. I also had my two nephews as ringbearers.
We hired a babysitter (I asked for personal recommendations from mom friends who were in the area.) to stay at the house we rented which was about a 2 minute walk from our venue. It worked out great! We paid around $100 for the whole evening (there were 4+ kids including my two nephews who were 3 and 5), and I know for sure that at least one set of guests would not have been able to come if we hadn’t done that. (That was mama’s first night out, and she. went. nuts!)
If you don’t know anyone in the area, maybe the hotel has a connection with an agency or something like that?
Post # 33
Are there a lot of other children you’re not inviting? I’d consider making an exception on her toddler (makes sense if her parents are also attending the wedding- they can’t watch the kid either) if the difference is her being there or not. But that’s because I’d rather have my best friend there along with the toddler than not have her there at all or gone for most of the event. I guess it depends on if others would be offended??
Post # 34
Having had a baby myself, I now know why it’s nearly impossible for a breastfeeding mom to leave her infant. She needs to be with that child more or less constantly during the first few months. If she misses a feeding, she will HAVE to pump or risk pain and even infection (I got mastitis in both breasts once because I missed a punping session–not fun at all). It’s a medical necessity. So I’d certainly make an exception for her and let her have her infant with her.
I also wouldn’t worry about noise–young babies sleep a TON, are not easily disturbed (loud background noise reminds them of the womb), and generally are pretty easy to ignore (from your perspective, not the parents’).
As for the bachelorette party, I’d just tell her what you’re thinking. Since she’s throwing it for you, you don’t really get to dictate it, but you can certainly let her know what you’d like if she brings it up. Also, I’m assuming the party will be before she gives birth? That’ll make everything easier for her!
She sounds like a good friend; try to cut her some slack. It truly is not easy juggling commitments to your friends and your responsibilities to your children. I know!
Post # 35
Just because she’s Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t mean she has to plan and be the center of the bachelorette, etc. I wouldn’t ask her to step down from being the one who stands beside you. Really other friends or bridesmaids could step up and plan a different bachelorette. Regarding the newborn I think the difference is that others with a new born you aren’t as close to just might not attend. If you want her there you probably have to bend the rules.
Post # 36
AGAIN, it’s not so much the newborn as it is the toddler. There are other members of the wedding party and family, who live further away, who are already making arrangements for kids. I can think of 8 kids off the top of my her, just on my side, that will be less than 2 at the time and not invited.
I had a strong feeling before writing this thread I wouldnt be offering her the chance to give up Maid/Matron of Honor. I just didn’t know if anyone had been in the same spot and how it worked out. if I coold vent a little here and collect my thoughts since its all new, I wouldnt blurt something out thay was insensitive or selfish. More than one person PMed me to give me answers they felt they would get bashed for posting and I appreciate all the feedback, even the negative. this has helped me figure out what I needed to do.
I called her while I was at work today to discuss it all. And basically brought it up as “here are so ideas for the toddler, here are some other ideas. I want you and your husband to still have fun and not couped up in a hotel room all weekend. Know that you’re welcome to opt out of anything that doesnt work for you, leave the reception early, whatever you need as long as you’re next to me for the ceremony.” turns out she’s obviously been thinking about it too. she has a cousin that recently moved up here near me she tried calling this weekend to see if they can help watch both babies, and the venue is 5 miles from the hotel so she caN make quick trips back if she needs to.
I didnt mention the bachelorette party. It will work itself out. It’s going to be in the city she lives in and I can ask my single crazy bridesmaid to be the ringleader for going out and we can find low-key activities everyone can enjoy during the day like go to some wineries, local natural springs or just lounge by a pool.
Post # 37
I have been following this thread hoping to get some advice for my own sitatution which is very similar to yours. One of my bridesmaids announced a few weeks ago that she is pregnant. Soon after her announcement she texted me asking if I could choose my wedding date based on what would work the best for her. My fiance and I had a 3 month period that we were considering for our wedding date. The date we chose was going to be based on whether the venue we wanted would be available. She told me that for 3 months following the birth of her child she would not want to leave the house very much, and that it would be really helpful if I could make the wedding while she was still pregnant. We did not choose a date based on this request. It ended up that the venue was only available after the birth of her child. My bridesmaid already has a 2.5 year old son as well.
I just wanted to say that I totally get where you are coming from. All the concerns you have voiced are exactly the things that I am trying to figure out as well. Without anything against people having babies- it’s really hard to let go of the vision that you have for your wedding. When you have a pregnant bridal party member it really does change everything. It changes what you thought this time would look like, and adds another thing for you to consider as you plan.
It’s easy for people to say just let it all go and see how it turns out. But when you have a vision and want someone who you love and are very close to to be apart of every part of your wedding and they can’t be. It’s hard. You have to adjust your expectations for something that you want nothing more than to be a great experience.
I still haven’t decided what I am going to do. Most people in my life think I should ask her to step down. I have 4 other bridesmaids all childless who all think she should step down. It seems that people with children and people without children all have really different opinions on what I should do. There is way more to that than the fact that she will have a baby. As with all longterm friendhips there is lots of history of both sides.
I hope you are able to come to a decision that works best for you….regardless of what people think you should do, you have to do what feels best for you.
Post # 38
Thank you SO much for this reply! Aside from very few posts in here and a PM or two, I felt like I must be a terrible person. I think pregnancy and motherhood are both beautiful things. I can’t wait to experience it myself. But it’s demanding and they change what you can and can’t do. It’s not like we could ask them to plan their lives around our weddings so I don’t understand why so many people here think you have to plan your wedding around everyone else’s lives if a pregnancy is involved. Like its some protected class that all rules can be broken for.
3 of my 5 bridesmaids have at least 1 kid. Maid/Matron of Honor is since pregnant again. No one except the Maid/Matron of Honor came to me asking me what she can do with her kids. It wasn’t until she came to me about the situation that I got concerned. I knew 2 other BMs would even like to get pregnant by the time the wedding came around. I didn’t mind, I just didn’t think I’d have to adjust what I saw happening to accommodate or help them by making special arrangements for them/their children the weekend of my wedding. I think that’s what stressed me out the most. And OMG, call me a selfish and terrible friend, but the bachelorette party that we had been discussing before she found out she got pregnant is completely changing now…
I talked to my Maid/Matron of Honor and it went well and we’ll be able to make it work. Seems like since she first asked me what she should do she actually put some thought into it herself as well. In your situation, since your other BMs are child-free, I’d be more inclined to give her the option to step down. Obviously she already set it up that she won’t want to even go if its within a certain time frame.
The day isn’t about her. I’m making a few sacrificies for my Maid/Matron of Honor, because I decided they went a big deal. I would elope with just the two of us if he wanted. Instead, since we’re probably having about 175 people (and 1 newborn) so I decided it would be weird to have all these people and for her to not be there. But if she had gotten pregnant and was due right around the wedding and couldn’t make it, it would be fine. Everything can go wrong, as long as I end up married. Do what you feel is right and let me know. (you can just PM me even if you want)
Post # 39
so i’m tardy to this party but figured i’d throw my 2 cents in.
as for the toddler (since you said the newborn is less of a concern): what arrangements are your other family members making? could you possibly refer your Maid/Matron of Honor to a sitter that these family members are using?
the bach party is something that she’s doing for you because she loves you–i think it’s less about her trying to make it convenient for herself, and more about trying to take into consideration that if y’all do a huge out all night drinking dancing thing, there’s a good chance she won’t be able to be part of it. but maybe she knows she can do dinner and a spa day? maybe that’s what she wanted at hers, and got a beach condo? who knows. she doesn’t have to do any of it, so for that i’d be thankful and gracious and enjoy that time with your friends, regardless of setting. then if you still want to go out and do more of a wild night/clubbing thing, call up your friends for a last fling and do it! 🙂
finally, the biggest thing is that you need to just prioritize how important it is for you to have her by your side. if it’s not a priority, then give her an out on Maid/Matron of Honor, hope it doesn’t affect your friendship, and get one of your BMs to be Maid/Matron of Honor that will throw you these huge showers and not have to breastfeed. if it is a priority for her to be by your side at the wedding as Maid/Matron of Honor, then help her be there. sounds like she’s trying to make sure that you not only have a bach party, but is trying to make sure she can be at your wedding, too.
Post # 40
I read your orgininal post and some of the comments. If I repeat something, sorry about that. You need to ask yourself some questions. How close are you to your MOH? How much will it mean, 5, 10, 20 years down the road that she was or was not in your wedding? Do you think it would cause problems if you asked her to step down? Do you have another nonpregnant bridesmaid that would be willing to plan a bach party for you if the Maid/Matron of Honor planned your shower? Your Maid/Matron of Honor is newly pregnant and sounds so stressed out. It sounds like she doesn’t know what she should do, and she is trying to be honest with you. That’s the good part. If she could find a sitter for her toddler and bring the baby, that would be the most ideal. I am sure there would be a guest during the ceremony that would love to hold the baby. Your Maid/Matron of Honor might not stay for the whole reception because of her new babe, but that would be pretty acceptable. I understand that you want an awesome bach party, and I don’t blame you. That’s why you should ask one of your other bridesmaids to plan it. Or, talk to your Maid/Matron of Honor and ask her if she would rather just be a bridesmaid. It might take a load off from her and she could still be a part of your big day without all the responsibilities of being Maid/Matron of Honor.