- 4 years ago
Posting anonymously because I am pretty embarrassed. However, I have to get this out there and not just scream at myself in my head anymore. Feel free to comment, offer suggestions, whatever. But please, do not call me worthless. I do that enough on my own. (Yes, I am working on this in therapy.)
Actually, I am ashamed. This is so stupid.
I have found it impossible to take responsibility for myself and get myself to work on time for YEARS. Even with it affecting my annual evaluations! I pride myself on doing very good work, and this THING just hovers over me. I am mortified. And yet, that doesn’t seem to be enough motivation for me to take responsibility for my actions.
I struggle with depression and anxiety and take meds and see both a therapist and doctor regularly. In my head, I say I can’t do this because I can’t get out of bed in the morning. (When I am in full-on depression, I really CANNOT get out of bed.)
But, that is not what is really going on, here. I can get out of bed, I can function. I am in a good place right now. I JUST DO NOT WANT TO.
I will lie in bed, look at the clock, and have 10 minutes to make it to work on time. I think to myself, EVERY MORNING, “I just don’t care. I don’t want to.” And I roll over and sleep for another 20 minutes.
This is a most basic act of responsibly, of maturity – getting out of bed on time. (In other areas of personal responsibility, I am good – I have, and stick to, a household budget, save for retirement, care for others, maintain a house and car, etc.) It does not matter how early I go to bed the night before, it does not matter if I sleep well or not.
I am going to start coming to work with FI; he leaves 1.5 hours before me. That is the only way I can see getting myself out of this horrible habit and learn to be responsible. I am going to ask him to wake me at 5:45 a.m. with a cup of coffee. If I am talking to him I can get up much easier.
I am so ashamed. This is such a STUPID and SIMPLE thing, and yet, I absolutely will not do it.