Post # 77
I don’t even think you should go to counseling. I think you should just leave. I’m sorry to say this but he sounds just awful. I mean to say you would disown your child if he/she was gay? OMG I would have slapped him! Disagreeing on a few small things is not a big issue but EVERYTHING you posted is a huge issue. You also aren’t attracted to him and can go the rest of your life without sex? Leave him now before you get any further for your sake and that of your (possible) future children.
Post # 78
Not stupid and shallow. I think these are actual issues. It sounds like you guys have grown apart. You have maybe grown up and he… well.. hasnt!! I would normally suggest counciling. But in this particular case it just sounds like he is stuck acting like a 17 year old boy that just wants to have sex all the time. He obviously is immature if he is making fun of people with special needs etc. I just feel like in order for counciling to work both people have to want to work things out. You sounds just done as well. I feel your frustration. I think at this point it would just be better to cut your ties. Now of course this is only based on what I just read.
Post # 79
I’m glad you are realizing now, and not after getting married, that these are serious issues. You are taking the best advice I ever hear for engaged women, “Look at him right now, exactly the way he is. Can you love him, just as he is, with no changes, for the rest of your life?” If the answer is no, which is seems to be in this case, better to end it and go your separate ways.
I think that some major differences of opinion are OK, such as politics. But when you hear from your Fiance that he would disown a child who is gay (Hello, control issues, much? What else would he disown for?), and you are not on board with that, then it’s time to cut bait. And if you disagree on just about everything, forever will be a VERY long time.
As Neva pointed out, once you are married (and heck, even now!) people see you as a unit and if he is the outspoken one and makes his opinions known publically, it will be assumed that you buy into his beliefs.
Post # 80
Lily Allen’s “F**K u” came to mind reading this. Perhaps that is what you should say to your Fiance.
Post # 81
I’m going to say not counseling. If you two are this different and he goes on about all the things you care about like they are a disease then it is time to call it, at least in my book. If you two had kids what would they learn from him? Hatred of the different and intolerance. These things don’t usually go away with time and you will always feel awkward around your gay friends and maybe lose them, never get to have an interracial couple as friends, the list goes on. He has no respect for your belies. Your views are very similar to mine and I knew if my current Fiance didn’t share some of the basics (like seeing gays as normal people) then it wouldn’t work. Do what you think is best but know you could find someone who shares your views and really wants to travel.
Post # 82
hey girl–here is an example of how it CAN be. My BF comes from a conservative, traditional family who hold all the religious/political opinions that you might not be surprised to find in that kind of family. And yet when it comes to my gay male friends, he’s not only respectful and polite to them, he is completely comfortable around them and is as fond of them as he is my female friends. He’s open with his friends and family about his support for same-sex marriage, and we were both equally thrilled when the measure to legalize it was passed in NY state alst month. He even changed his little facebook picture to a photo of the rainbow Empire State building, just like I did. You deserve someone who’s on the same page with you about things like that, not someone who’s filled with hate and ignorance that have absolutely no place in this world, or in your life.
Post # 83
I know this has been said before, but your issues with him are the opposite of petty. You are 1000% in the right here, and I really appreciate that you care enough about others to realize the harm in his bigotry. As almost everyone has said, these things constitute fundamental differences, and are definitely worthy reasons to end it with him, even if those were the only problems. The fact that you don’t even seem to like him that much frankly makes me want to tell you get on the proverbial train discussed earlier 🙂 You seem smart and lovely, and deserve to have someone on your wavelength, or who is, at the VERY least, respectful towards your beliefs.
Ending an engagement might seem like the worst thing, but it happens more regularly than you might think, and every single person I know who broke it off at that point ended up with the true love of their life (ex. both my sis and her husband both broke off prior engagements before they met). They have been together for 10 years now, and we were just talking about how happy they were to have gotten out of the relationships before marriage. From everything you say, I believe leaving him would be the best thing for you too.
Also, on a personal note, my lovie and I are interracial fiances. If your FH was as cruel as to say something like that in front of us, I’d be incredibly hurt (and, knowing me, likely also cuss him the f*ck out in the most appropriate possible manner for the setting). As someone mentioned, as husband and wife you’ll be viewed as a unit, and any bystander who witnesses his hate will think it is coming from you too. That will likely end up hurting you as well as the people he is directing his bile towards.
Even if you don’t see yourself as strong sometimes, realizing the importance of these issues and doing something about it is incredibly strong of you. Although I just joined earlier today and don’t know you on the boards yet, I also want to say you can always chat with me if you want, and give you a *hug.*
Post # 84
I’m queer, so the homophobia thing… It’s tough. On the one hand, I want to yell, DTMFA! On the other hand, as a bisexual woman, I have dated (accidentally) a couple of homophobes. One of them was sincerely just ignorant, and needed to have his consciousness raised. The other one… well, he’s still an a-hole. He had the nerve to say he didn’t think non-reproductive sex was natural and I was like, well, guess you’re never getting another bj, then! I was a lot more careful after that to make sure the people I dated KNEW I was bisexual, even though it never felt like some huge, scary thing to me. It cut down on stupid crap like that.
But when you put it all together, it sounds bad. Like, if he won’t admit HE needs counseling, you should dump him. If you’ve had serious conversations about the things that go into homophobia and racism and he still thinks there is nothing wrong with homophobia and racism, if he thinks you’re being oversensitive, then absolutely leave his sorry ass.
Homophobia and racism go with a certain mentality. It’s a mentality that doesn’t care about things being true or not, just convenient; that doesn’t care about new things, or change, or growth. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to grow as a person? Who doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own life and his own country? (Blaming “the way things are these days” on minority groups is a classic cop-out for lazy, mean people.)
If you think counseling will help, you can try it. But if you guys have nothing in common any more, ask yourself: if I met him today, would I still even go on a date with him? If the answer is no, counseling might not be the answer. If he’s happy with the way he is and the way your relationship is, he will not be motivated to change, and therapy is useless without motivation. The lightbulb (or, in this case, fiance) has to really WANT to change.