(Closed) Confession: I blew the V-Day challenge and am so upset

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

How long have you been together? Do you have any idea if he would compromise with a long engagement? Is the business he is starting risky?

Post # 4
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you might benefit from Mr Bee’s guide … I would start looking at jobs in DC, let him know that you are – maybe you need to work away and do the distance thing so that he truly appreciates you and maybe that will push him towards proposing.

Post # 5
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

There isn’t much worth putting your career on hold for, and waiting years for your partner to propose isn’t one of them! If you don’t want to end up with nothing, make sure you have your own stuff going on. Then a proposal is just icing on the cake.

Post # 6
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Oh wow.  First of all once every four months isn’t bad and is hardly nagging, please don’t be so hard on yourself.

Second, I know that not being financially secure is an accepted reason not to feel ready to get married and many bees on here have waited for that reason and it worked out for them.  I don’t believe in it.  As long as he’s not starving or going to put you into poverty what does money have to do with it?  Maybe he isn’t ready to commit till he is the person he wants to be or something but IMO that’s an issue with commitment not with finances.  He’s not ready to marry you – okay that doesn’t make him a bad person but the reason he’s giving you about the money is IMO a cover (that he might even believe in!).  

To put your career on hold for a man that hasn’t commited to you is not a good idea.  It’s not a good idea in any case but with a marriage you have some claim on his assets, with this arrangement you’re making financial sacrifices for no financial recompence.  If it’s a new relationship and it’s six months and you’re getting such a high from being so in love… okay that might be worth some money lost to you.  But years worth of career derailment?  and possibly less job satisfaction?  for someone who is making you insecure and unhappy and isn’t ready to commit to you for a good long time? 

I would try the long distance relationship.

Post # 7
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Sorry honey that your upset…Arachna has a good point – money has nothing to do with it when you really love someone.  I understand people may want to be a bit more financially stable before they could get married but I guess thats just so you could have a nice wedding but then again I know people who got married at city hall because they knew they wanted to be together for the rest of their lives but just didnt have the money to have a big wedding and as time went on they saved up to have some type of celebration of their marriage..

I hate to say this but it kind of seems as if maybe hes not ready to commit, if you both have your own houses and watnot, I think its pretty affordable to get married.Sorry honey but if he is telling you not to expect a ring for another two years, thats not a good sign. Putting your career on hold for a guy who isnt willing to commit right now is definitely not something you should do, Right now you have to put yourself first so you could be happy, even ifits not with him.. Go for that dream job and if he’s smart he’ll run after you and make you his wife asap !!! Hope this helps . xoxo

 

Post # 8
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree that you should check out Mr. Bee’s post; you gotta move on with your life!  I would actively start applying for jobs in DC and make sure he knows it.  Also, start hanging out with friends, pursuing fun activities, etc.

It is also my opinion that a delay in getting engaged because of a financial issue is BS.  I don’t understand why you need to be making a certain amount of money to make a commitment to someone.  Good luck with everything!

Post # 9
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Normally I’m not into pressuring people about this, but you are putting your needs second and living somewhere you wouldn’t just for him and if he’s stalling because he’s unsure, he’s being really unfair to you.

I checked out your profile (was curious how old you are) and saw that you recently posted that he’s getting the baby fever.  What does marriage mean to him?  Does he think that that’s when you’ll start a family?  If he thinks marriage = family, I can see how the money matters could be making him want to wait.

I think this is one of those cases where you need to talk to him – not after drinking, though, if it makes you whine. 😉  Tell him that you want to go back east – that your career is stalling here and that’s becoming increasingly important to you.  If you really are staying for him, make that known.  He doesn’t owe you a ring, but if you’re sacrificing your career for him, he owes you an honest opinion of whether or not it’s a worthwhile sarifice.

Post # 11
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You are not at all crazy. Time to implement Mr. Bee’s plan. You need to do what is best for you right now… not what might be best in two years. Start looking at jobs in DC, spending more times with your friends, etc, etc. You shouldn’t just be moping around! That’s not good for anyone.

Post # 12
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Oh how I <3 the Bee! All you ladies have given our dear OP such great advice. Politichick, I really hope you follow it! I definitely agree with “the Plan” as per Mr. Bee. It will either lead to a proposal, or you being able to move on without making the same mistake twice, as you said. Wishing you the best, and be sure to keep us updated! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Politichick – first off, I blew it too, and in not exactly one of my finer moments (read: teary meltdown), so you’re not alone on that front.

Secondly, I’m sorry, girl, that sucks.

Thirdly…it doesn’t sound like putting your career on hold for him makes sense any longer (if it ever did).  I’m not saying break up, I’m saying don’t redirect your life to fit his, you do NOT want to wind up resenting him.

Especially if you’re not on the same page regarding marriage.  I don’t want to weigh in more specifically on your guy, ’cause I’ve never met him.  But it doesn’t sound like he’s taking your needs and your plans/hopes for your future into account to the extent that you’d want your husband to. 

Post # 14
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

he has baby fever? maybe he does think that marriage equals family, and thats where waiting until hes financially stable comes in. but have you tried reassuring him that just because you get married, it doesnt mean that your ready to have a bunch of kids right away ? do you want to have kids right away? oh boy – i know i just asked you 21 questions but maybe its something you should think about…

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