Post # 1
(Sorry this is Long)
I didn’t make it. I thought I could and that’s why I even started the thread. Monday was the anniversary of my father’s death and S was being really nice to me all day. He took me out and I had too much wine and we started talking. I got frusterated and started crying about how I don’t know how he feels about me/our future (I know he loves me but wine=whining). I said I didn’t want to talk about it (see girls, I tried to stop). The next morning, S came to me to talk about what I was saying. Again, I said I didn’t want to talk but gave in. Well, long story short, he said that he was annoyed with me for bringing up this topic every FOUR months ( I started the challenge on my own before Christmas). I said I wasn’t clear on his timeline- last I heard he was saving for a ring (in September) and I told him a year ago I thought he should know/propose by March 2010. He said that he wouldn’t propose for ANOTHER TWO YEARS!!!!!! And that means we wouldn’t be married for another 3 years. =( I know he has valid reasons for waiting. Mostly, it’s because he’s starting his own business. He said he won’t be ready to get married until his business is making about as much as he is making at his current job. He’s been working there for 10 years and is nearly getting a high salary. Also, he’ll continue working at his current job while he starts his new business. He claims he doesn’t have the money to get engaged. I already own a house and so does he. His expenses are low as well. He’s not even factoring in my financial contribution to the equation of him having a comfortable lifestyle or being able to afford marriage. I am also pissed because he just blew $1000 in Vegas las week. So basically there is nothing I can do but just accept that the engagement will not come before two years. I’m scared because my ex did this to me and even though my ex bought a ring, he never proposed and strung me along. I don’t want the same thing to happen again. Also, I am putting my career on hold for (mostly) him. I can’t really find a job in the Bay Area and could get a better one in DC. I don’t think I am wasting my time with S but I am scared I will end up with nothing and make the same mistake twice. I’m really upset and don’t really know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated!
Post # 3
How long have you been together? Do you have any idea if he would compromise with a long engagement? Is the business he is starting risky?
Post # 4
I think you might benefit from Mr Bee’s guide … I would start looking at jobs in DC, let him know that you are – maybe you need to work away and do the distance thing so that he truly appreciates you and maybe that will push him towards proposing.
Post # 5
There isn’t much worth putting your career on hold for, and waiting years for your partner to propose isn’t one of them! If you don’t want to end up with nothing, make sure you have your own stuff going on. Then a proposal is just icing on the cake.
Post # 6
Oh wow. First of all once every four months isn’t bad and is hardly nagging, please don’t be so hard on yourself.
Second, I know that not being financially secure is an accepted reason not to feel ready to get married and many bees on here have waited for that reason and it worked out for them. I don’t believe in it. As long as he’s not starving or going to put you into poverty what does money have to do with it? Maybe he isn’t ready to commit till he is the person he wants to be or something but IMO that’s an issue with commitment not with finances. He’s not ready to marry you – okay that doesn’t make him a bad person but the reason he’s giving you about the money is IMO a cover (that he might even believe in!).
To put your career on hold for a man that hasn’t commited to you is not a good idea. It’s not a good idea in any case but with a marriage you have some claim on his assets, with this arrangement you’re making financial sacrifices for no financial recompence. If it’s a new relationship and it’s six months and you’re getting such a high from being so in love… okay that might be worth some money lost to you. But years worth of career derailment? and possibly less job satisfaction? for someone who is making you insecure and unhappy and isn’t ready to commit to you for a good long time?
I would try the long distance relationship.
Post # 7
Sorry honey that your upset…Arachna has a good point – money has nothing to do with it when you really love someone. I understand people may want to be a bit more financially stable before they could get married but I guess thats just so you could have a nice wedding but then again I know people who got married at city hall because they knew they wanted to be together for the rest of their lives but just didnt have the money to have a big wedding and as time went on they saved up to have some type of celebration of their marriage..
I hate to say this but it kind of seems as if maybe hes not ready to commit, if you both have your own houses and watnot, I think its pretty affordable to get married.Sorry honey but if he is telling you not to expect a ring for another two years, thats not a good sign. Putting your career on hold for a guy who isnt willing to commit right now is definitely not something you should do, Right now you have to put yourself first so you could be happy, even ifits not with him.. Go for that dream job and if he’s smart he’ll run after you and make you his wife asap !!! Hope this helps . xoxo
Post # 8
I agree that you should check out Mr. Bee’s post; you gotta move on with your life! I would actively start applying for jobs in DC and make sure he knows it. Also, start hanging out with friends, pursuing fun activities, etc.
It is also my opinion that a delay in getting engaged because of a financial issue is BS. I don’t understand why you need to be making a certain amount of money to make a commitment to someone. Good luck with everything!
Post # 9
Normally I’m not into pressuring people about this, but you are putting your needs second and living somewhere you wouldn’t just for him and if he’s stalling because he’s unsure, he’s being really unfair to you.
I checked out your profile (was curious how old you are) and saw that you recently posted that he’s getting the baby fever. What does marriage mean to him? Does he think that that’s when you’ll start a family? If he thinks marriage = family, I can see how the money matters could be making him want to wait.
I think this is one of those cases where you need to talk to him – not after drinking, though, if it makes you whine. 😉 Tell him that you want to go back east – that your career is stalling here and that’s becoming increasingly important to you. If you really are staying for him, make that known. He doesn’t owe you a ring, but if you’re sacrificing your career for him, he owes you an honest opinion of whether or not it’s a worthwhile sarifice.
Post # 10
Thanks for the advice, ladies! We’ve been dating for about 2-2.5 years. I am 25 and he is 30. He’s very traditional and wants to be able to “support a family”- I can respect that. I may not have been entirely fair about the career thing either. I hopefully can find a job here but it’s way harder. However, I also feel like I should stick around here and hep my family out. I feel trapped in general. I guess his business venture is risky because he has a good job now and would be leaving it completely and the economy sucks. He is willing to move for me in about 3 years and I feel like I can accept waiting three years to move but to do so without a ring scares me. I was with my ex for 5 years and he strung me along. I know S is so different and means what he says about getting engaged in 2 years. I trust him but I still have nagging doubts because of my past experience. I guess my choices are to accept his promise as much as I would trust a ring or to leave. I love him and he’s worth waiting for. I just don’t want to be screwed in the end. My trust issues have nothing to do with him… I feel like I am a bit crazy!
Post # 11
You are not at all crazy. Time to implement Mr. Bee’s plan. You need to do what is best for you right now… not what might be best in two years. Start looking at jobs in DC, spending more times with your friends, etc, etc. You shouldn’t just be moping around! That’s not good for anyone.
Post # 12
Oh how I <3 the Bee! All you ladies have given our dear OP such great advice. Politichick, I really hope you follow it! I definitely agree with “the Plan” as per Mr. Bee. It will either lead to a proposal, or you being able to move on without making the same mistake twice, as you said. Wishing you the best, and be sure to keep us updated! 🙂
Post # 13
@Politichick – first off, I blew it too, and in not exactly one of my finer moments (read: teary meltdown), so you’re not alone on that front.
Secondly, I’m sorry, girl, that sucks.
Thirdly…it doesn’t sound like putting your career on hold for him makes sense any longer (if it ever did). I’m not saying break up, I’m saying don’t redirect your life to fit his, you do NOT want to wind up resenting him.
Especially if you’re not on the same page regarding marriage. I don’t want to weigh in more specifically on your guy, ’cause I’ve never met him. But it doesn’t sound like he’s taking your needs and your plans/hopes for your future into account to the extent that you’d want your husband to.
Post # 14
he has baby fever? maybe he does think that marriage equals family, and thats where waiting until hes financially stable comes in. but have you tried reassuring him that just because you get married, it doesnt mean that your ready to have a bunch of kids right away ? do you want to have kids right away? oh boy – i know i just asked you 21 questions but maybe its something you should think about…
Post # 15
Well we talked again and we basically agreed that we’re having a hard time understanding where each of us are coming from. Conceptually we get it but emotionally we have different perspectives. I think it’s a Mars- Venus thing. As far as Mr. Bee’s plan, I already do all those things. I’m really focusing on finding a job now but have a life as well.
Ultimately, my fear of this economy is undermining my feelings about the relationship. I just feel like it would be easier to get a job in DC but it is possible to find a job here. I have always been an ambitious type A person so this economy is really throwing me for a loop. He cares about me and does want to marry me; he has no doubt about that- so that’s good! I think I am deciding that he is worth waiting for. He supported me and put up with a 6 month LDR while I was in London last year getting my MA. I want to support him in achieving his dreams too! I have to be okay with my decision to stick around and wait for him to get through the startup of his business. It’s not like I won’t be working on my career here; it just may take longer to find a job. I think I was shocked by the number 2 in two year timeline. He told me he doesn’t want to see me upset so he’s going to think about things. I also reminded him of something I brought up months ago- maybe compromise and have a longer engagement. He lit up at that point and is going to consider it. I want to revisit this discussion in a month or two and see where he is. I also am considering having an internal timeline. I think maybe split the difference… say, a year from now. Thanks for all your help, ladies!