(Closed) Confession … Im a people pleaser!!

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I have people pleaser tendancies, but since becoming a teacher (and head of a department at that), I’ve been forced to realize that sometimes I can’t please everyone. My focus needs to first and foremost what is best for me and my dept. It’s tough sometimes. Just recently I had to contact a parent who had earlier in the year called me some not so nice things (because things didn’t work out how she wanted). Well guess what? Things weren’t going to work out so well for her this time around either and the idea of telling her this terrified me. It was my DH who said “You know you’re in the right. Just call her…she might yell and be angry for 5 minutes and then it will be over.” And he was right. It gave me the courage to call her knowing the conversation would not go well.

I think the best thing for you to do is to tell her that because she didn’t inform you that she planned on buying new pans and you are moving soon and won’t be using the said pans, you don’t think it’s fair to pay for them. Getting those words out will be the hardest part of the conversation. She can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. She might be ticked off for a few, but ultimately you are moving far away and it’s not going to matter if she doesn’t like you/is mad at you. You need to be a champion for yourself.

Post # 5
Member
513 posts
Busy bee

I could have written this post, OP!!

 

With wedding stuff specifically, I’m the worst. I have had serious trouble telling a vendor “no” upon seeing they were out of our budget/not our style… just because I didn’t want to upset them. The rational part of me knows that they know this is a business and not everyone will utilize their services. But sometimes they’re so nice and you don’t want to let them down! I have stopped telling friends and family the details of our wedding (decor, food, etc) because everyone has an opinion.

 

As far as the frying pans issue, it sounds like the flatmate knows you’re a people pleaser and took advantage of it to get you to chip in where she didn’t want to. That should piss you off. Call her up, with your FI next to you for encouragement, and firmly, but nicely, tell her you aren’t paying for the pans. Tell her why. She might be totally okay with it, she might not. That’s her problem, though, not yours.

Post # 6
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I used to be the worst!  The whole wedding thing actually helped me confront my situation- because it came to a head.  I ended up canceling my wedding and eloping in town.  My family was cruel and selfish and everyone was negative and had opinions and judgements that were thoughtless- but no solutions.  Some people can’t be pleased, and some will purposely manipulate you to cause harm.  (Unfortunately some people in my family!)  I really realized that if I could do it again I would do it my way.  I learned not to depend on anyone else and ultimately to not care what anyone thought (it has been a couple of years).  Don’t be hard on yourself OP- at least for me- I was raised/ forced to be that way!

The whole wedding debacle I went though was good practice for being a mom, (and a teacher) because I learned to lay down my law – so-to-say.  (I have had people trying to come stay with me, things like that that aren’t right for us at the birth of the baby.)

Post # 8
Member
4528 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m the same way, and FMIL will probably want a very different wedding than I do. I need to grow a pair, stat

Post # 9
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@leecy87:  That’s natural.  Just do your best to breathe, stay calm, but assertive.  It’s hard!

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