(Closed) Confessions of a booted MOH

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh wow.  I think every one of your thoughts are completely reasonable. Weddings do some very interesting things to people and I kind of wonder if she truly believes that ‘once in her life, I’ll be #1’, or if she’s trying to avoid reality by focusing totally on the wedding.  It’s an easy way to escape…shoot, look at all of us addicted to the ‘Bee!

I think you should give it some time.  When is the wedding? Doesn’t matter…your father’s health should be your number one concern, not babysitting her emotions.

 

Post # 4
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I know that it can be really hard to not have support when you’re planning a wedding. Personally, my family is not at all supportive of my engagement yet and it really hurts when they take no interest in it. Maybe your sister feels like she’s not being supported by her family. In a time as crazy and hectic as planning a wedding it’s easy to get caught up in yourself and not pay attention to what everyone else is going through. It’s also possible that she’s more upset by all of this than she shows. It would really bother me if my dad was sick and the attention was on someone else during a time that everyone’s “supposed to” be happy for me and paying attention to me. It would take me a while to give in to all the emotions. I don’t know the kind of personality your sister has, but if she’s anything like me she’s feeling neglected. While she should be more sensitive to the rest of the family’s feelings and emotions, she also needs extra attention. Family illnesses can make having a happy experience hard and she might need someone to acknowledge that.
I hope all that came out right. I’m not trying to sound mean!

Post # 5
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First off, I’m sorry to hear about your father. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. 

Secondly, weddings do some weird things to people and relationships fall apart more often than we realize. Your sister may not realize it now but she’ll realize what’s really important sooner or later. Let’s hope it’s sooner rather than later. Just give her some time. You have every right to be upset. Take this time to focus on your father and be there for your mother. If your sister chooses to focus on herself instead of family then let her make that mistake on her own. 

Hang in there! 

Post # 6
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

wow 🙁 i am so sorry about your father. that must be so overwhelming in and of itself. then to have this fight with your sister. terrible 🙁

my main thought when reading through this was that its possible that you 2 are handling the grief of this impending loss in very different ways. some people cope by not coping i guess. she could be focusing on the wedding and her own life to distance herself from the pain of watching her parent die. also it sounds like you and your mom have grown a lot closer throughout this whole thing, and she is on the periphery of that. it may be making her feel alienated and pushing her to focus on other things a bit more?

they say there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it seems like yours and your sister’s are not meshing at all… i struggled with this when my mother died because my brother did not respond the way i did. i think i had hoped that since he was the only one who could full understand MY loss, that he would mirror my grief exactly. i wanted to talk about it, a lot. and i wanted to be an angry crying mess, alot. he wanted to “power through” and think about the good parts of my mom’s life and, subsequently, her death (she was sick for a looooong time and in a lot of pain. it was not a good life by the end). we had a lot of screaming matches and even stopped talking for a period of time.

it was a long path to where we are now, and while that time of figuring things out sucked, i wouldnt trade it because it ultimately strengthened our relationship.

lastly, i want to say, i hope no one beats you up over this. you didnt do anything wrong. but in a way i kind of think she didnt either. i mean, i think every bride wants her wedding to be a happy time, filled with only love and positive memories. throwing herself into wedding mode could be a way of keeping the illness/possible death of your father far removed from her wedding.

ETA: i dont think in any way that this method is really going to save her pain in the long run, i am just speaking from personal experince…

Post # 7
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Is there any way that throwing herself into her wedding is her way of coping with your father’s illness?

I am not saying that her actions are acceptable.  She certainly owes you and your mother an apology.  However, some people have a really difficult time handling the death of a loved one.  Is this behavior abnormal for her?  She may be angry about your father, stressed about the wedding, and using you to take it all out on.

I am so sorry about your situation!  

Post # 8
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Dang, I hate you are having to go through this. It seems to me that she’s more concerned with her spotlight be taken from her and her wedding and put on your mom and father (which I am praying for and your family). Honestly she sounds a bit selfish. With that being said, I think the best thing you can do at this point is tell her you will attend the wedding (as a guest) and then leave it at that. Let her stew on how she is acting. Weddings can make a perfectly normal person go crazy and I think it sounds like she’s come upon crazy town. Hopefully she will get her act together and realize the way she’s acting isnt healthy for her or for relationships with her family and will straighten up.

Be strong! Everything will work out with your sister.

Post # 9
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you need to continue being your mom’s rock. You should both attend the wedding UNLESS your father is ill and needs you to be with him.

I don’t think you need to decide this very minute about attending- your father is first and foremost (if he’s not to your sister OH WELL- you tried).

Your feelings are all justified…

Post # 10
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Maybe this is her way of dealing with the grief? Is it possible she’s throwing herself into the wedding and detaching because the loss of your father is too much to bear?

I hope you two will be able to work this out. I hope she comes around. My sister and I had a knock-down drag-out fight and didn’t speak for a few months (about six years ago) and I am serious when I say that when we had time to cool off on our own and grow the F up a little bit, we are closer than ever and have a healthier relationship than we ever did before. All is not lost!

Post # 11
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

Your feelings seem perfectly appropriate given the issues you are dealing with. Wedding planning does very strange things to families. I’m sure there’s some level at which she’s morphing the loss into something more personal that’s about her day. (ex. Was your dad going to walk her down the aisle?) She may not really know how to process all of it.

Now, that doesn’t excuse the crap she is pulling with you and your mom. Regardless of how upset she might be, she doesn’t get a free pass. Grief is not an excuse to behave so unreasonably.

I wish I had some kind of magic advice for you. Unfortunately, I don’t. Some relationships never recover after the loss of a parent. I have not seen nor spoken to my sister since the days after my father’s funeral. Unfortunately, she found some notebooks my dad kept as part of therapy after his split with my mother that talked about how he truly believed she was the one true love of his life and how much our paternal grandmother was trying to get them to get back together. Since my sister is actually only my half-sister, this didn’t sit too well. She tossed them, destroyed school projects of mine that he had saved, and took all of the photos of my and my dad that my grandmother set out for me. I realize that while she always had fits of jealousy over my mere existence, I never would have expected her to act out in such a way (especially since she was 26 at the time)! Like I said, grief doesn’t excuse that kind of behavior, and I’ve not had anything to do with her since.

I’m so sorry to hear about all of this, especially your father’s health. I hope that you and your mom can find strength in each other and that your relationship with her comes out stronger than ever. I hope that your sister comes around and realizes that the world doesn’t revolve around her wedding and that her behavior has the potential to cause her regret for the rest of her life.

Post # 12
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

I think your feelings are completely justified. I am so sorry for your father. I really don’t get why people get so worked up about weddings like this! Like as if the whole engagement to wedding time is supposed to be completely all about them! Aren’t weddings supposed to be a celebration of love and family? Especially with your father, she should be more concerned with him and not causing all this added stress…she will likely regret that for the rest of her life. 

Post # 13
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

@prplebutterfly:  Wow, I’m so sorry for all that your family is going through right now.

I’m sure your sister is not ready to hear this at this point, but a wedding really shouldn’t be “all about the bride/her perfect day/etc.” The wedding industrial complex tries to sell us on that idea because it’s very lucrative for them, but really, weddings are all about relationships … which is another way of saying family, the families you come from and the new family you form when you marry. It’s completely incoherent to say that a wedding is “all about” one person, and if you’re not careful it can be toxic – that’s no kind of foundation on which to try to build a marriage. Unless you want it to last all of 72 days … *sigh* Anyhow.

I hope that she comes around and that you guys can heal from the pain and anger you are all going through. My prayers are with you all.

Post # 14
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee

To echo the sentiments of the PP’s above; I’m so sorry about your Dad and my heart goes out to you and your family. I imagine that things couldn’t feel much worse right now and I hope that everyone continues to give you support and advice.

I agree with others’ that your sister is probably using her wedding planning as a coping mechanism. Put yourself in her shoes and think about how hard it must be for her to think about things like your Dad not being there to walk her down the aisle … or to have him for the father/daughter dance … those are likely the things that run through her head because they are particularly poignant to her at this time (in addition to all the other thoughts that go along with the traumatic experience of losing a parent). That all being said, you are all projecting your feelings at each other in a less than healthy way. You should all take a step back and reasses what is important. Your family. Your health. Each other. The wedding is one day, family is forever.

ETA: As one person said above: her behavior is not excusable though more understandable due to grief. Hopefully you all are able to find a way to get through this for your Dad!! I wish you the best of luck!!

Post # 15
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@RahlyRah:  Is there any way that throwing herself into her wedding is her way of coping with your father’s illness?


I was thinking the same thing.

Post # 16
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

There are two sides to every story, and your side is pretty inflamed right now. Your emotions are raw from the fight, and your trauma from dealing with both Mom & Dad, but I hope you can take a step back and look at it from your sister’s perspective too. 

In a world of bad circumstances with your father, and the sadness enveloping you and your mother, there is a little seed of happiness in her life, and that’s getting married to her husband. She might be grasping at straws to have you two share in that happiness with her, and celebrate a momentous occasion alongside her family. But to hear her mother say “I don’t give a damn” about her wedding, and for whatever reason feel like her immediate family is not happy for her in the slightest– that’s kind of a slap in the face. She probably feels a little alienated by that, and it’s natural. Especially given the circumstance with your father. In reality, it might be incredibly difficult for you and your mother to reach that far down and pull some happiness out to share with her because sadness tends to trump that sort of thing. That’s also natural.

I agree with other posters who say she might be dealing with the stress of your father’s declining health by focusing on something that makes her happy, because the sadness involved might be too much for her to bear. It sounds like you have a close-knit family. Just try to be patient with her, try to understand from where she is coming, and ask her to try to do the same for you. If you calmly discuss your feelings about the issues without saying “Fuck you and your wedding,” as you typed above, you might make some progress on finding middle ground, and bonding as sisters should during this time. She should be there for you to lean on, and you should be there for her to share her happiness with. It has to work both ways. 

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