- 4 years ago
- Wedding: December 2009
I was going to post anonymously for fear of ridicule or backlash or snarkiness from all those Super Moms out there, but I figured what the hey. Might as we’ll be honest. I know I can’t be the only one who’s ever felt this way. I love my baby with ALL of my heart & soul, but sometimes being a mom makes me want to start screaming & never stop. So without further ado…
#1) I hate breastfeeding. I don’t hate it because it hurts, although it did in the early days, I hate it because it feels like my body no longer belongs to ME. I BF solely for my son’s health because I believe the benefits of breast milk are phenomenal. I would go on a huge guilt trip if something happened to him that I believed my antibodies could have prevented. Therefore, I do it, although still with a certain level of guilt for disliking it so much based on my own selfishness. While, we do supplement with formula, over half of his feedings are breast milk. I breastfed exclusively until 4 weeks, literally around the clock, but he NEVER seemed full. That’s when we included formula into the mix. I was SO EXHAUSTED, I lost 7 lbs in one week because i wasn’t sleeping. He was just so hungry he would scream if he wasn’t nursing. I felt bad about introducing formula, but that first night was heaven because I got 5 full hours of sleep. Now it’s a lot easier & I actually get to sleep, but I still hate the hassle of it. The pumping, swollen breasts, CRAZY appetite, etc. My son is 4 months old, & I will be SO GLAD when I feel that he is old enough to wean completely, but that isn’t for awhile yet.
#2) I don’t like the “baby” stage. (I know I know. Off with my head.) It’s everyone else’s favorite, but OMG. I NEVER get time to myself anymore. We don’t have family close by. The in laws are 40 minutes away & although I know they would love to babysit, I just feel strange asking them to come here just so I can go get my nails done or something. There are only a few people who I trust to babysit, & they have lives too! I just hate asking & no one really offers anymore. So every Saturday I daydream about going to get a massage, or a pedicure or just doing something for myself, but instead I’m usually at home going back & forth between the tummy time mat, swing & changing table. When I do decide to go somewhere, it takes like 16 hours to get out the front door, & that’s after I’ve packed the entire house into a diaper bag & strapped him in the car seat for the second time because he pooped the first time! Then let’s just pray he’s in a good mood so he doesn’t start crying while I’m out in a store or something. I seriously stare at other people’s 4 year olds with envy & wish that he was their age, while people are looking at him wishing for the baby stage again. I’m ready for him to be able to talk & PLAY & really interact. I’m ready for birthday parties & movies & holidays where he knows what’s going on! THAT sounds fun. Right now he has the attention span of a gnat & all he does is pee, drool & cry. Don’t get me wrong, his toothless smile almost brings me to tears every time. He is the sweetest CUTEST baby I’ve ever seen & I am beyond blessed to have him. It’s just SO HARD sometimes.
#3) I don’t want anymore kids. Ever. (I see you in the distance, shouting & waving your pitchforks at me). I have been completely drained since I gave birth. Emotionally & physically. I had an EMCS & it was TERRIFYING. It took 2 weeks before me OR my husband could talk about it without crying. It took one week before I could poop (TMI) & it took 5 weeks before the pain was (mostly) gone & I wasn’t afraid my innards were going to come busting out of the incision. I never ever EVER want to experience that again. Being completely incapacitated with a 7 inch gash through my abdomen whlie trying to care for a newborn is not my cup of tea. I would personally like to hand out awards to anyone who has done that more than once.
#4) I am currently not interested in sex BECAUSE of #’s 1 & 3. The thought of being touched right now really grosses me out. My breasts are no longer mine or my husbands. Their sole function is to nourish my child & at this point it seems as if I will never see them as anything more. Not only am I not in the mood for sex, but if I were it would have to be late at night once baby is in bed or super early in the morning before i have to get up for work & that just ain’t happening right now. I’m way too tired for that. I still make time for my husband because I don’t want him to do without SOMETHING at least (I’ll spare the details) but as far as I’M concerned, I couldn’t care less. I’ve heard that breastfeeding affects libido, so I know it’s not totally abnormal, but still, it’s one thing to go from pregnant & excited about sex to not pregnant & not interested at all. I’m also not interested because I’m terrified of getting pregnant again. I don’t take oral birth control & while we were married for 3 years before TTC & our pregnancy was PLANNED, I still can’t shake the fear of what if we have an “accident”? I would spend the entire pregnancy dreading another c-section. I would get my tubes tied, but I’m terrified of surgery! Lol!
So there’s my list. I’ve probably forgotten 976 things but I have baby brain so I might ETA later. These are the things no one prepared me for. I still can’t believe the only piece of advice I ever really got from anyone was to “Sleep while you can.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s sound advice, but that was just the beginning. Everything that goes with having a child is incredibly difficult. Rewarding, but difficult. Spread the word!